Goodbye forever?

I dont know maybe it was the food that made me dream what i did, or maybe i was in need of a good nightmare. As if i had been sleeping to soundly and to good these days i needed a nightmare to make my world more balanced. Either way i dreamed, i dreamed that i was in school and for whatever reason Mrs. Dellinger the libary teacher i think is her name was teaching our class not Mrs. Atchely either that or she was watching us.

Blade came in and sat beside and started showing me his newest city he had drawn up and i looked to Kaitlin Nagle and asked her if i was the only one who could hear Blade and see him and she looked at me kinda funny and said yes. I knew he was dead, it started to eat at me, my heart compeltely broke and i was going insane. I couldnt cry no tears came from my eyes, maybe i had cried them all out but i do rememeber my heart outside my dream having a hard time beating because i felt like i couldn't breathe.

My mom was more worried about a potential job i had to get more hours and my dad kept saying, "I know, i know." she didnt want me to mess up this interveiw but inside slowly i was dying and no one cared. He was gone and no one but me was greiving.

Finally i woke up and heard my mom ruslting around in the kitchen, i got up went to the bathroom went to my room, unplugged my phone and cried waiting for her to leave for work because i truly believed Blade wasnt alive. I called him around 5:10 and he answered but that didnt convince me as i tried to ask if i could come get him and take him back with me because i just had to make sure! He misunderstood me and asked his mom if i could come over, he told her that i called and was freaking out about a dream and what he thought had to do with my mom and that i was hyperventaliting and i was.

I couldnt hardly get control of myself. I rushed over when i had everything done, parked my car and out popped Blade from his house. I got out of my car walked then ran up the steps and hugged him. He was alive and breathing and i cried with relief because i needed someone to tell me it was all going to be ok. The two previous nights we didnt really get to talk on the phone, first night i had to study for a test and i needed all the time i could get, and last night he was dog tired.

It was good we went into the house and snuggled on his bed till about 6:30 when we went to my house and i finished packing my lunch and got my things together and we headed off to school. I got up an hour early and he got up 30 mins early but it was worth it to me, i just had to know. I didnt believe him over the phone yeah i know its stupid but i didnt, i just needed to make sure! To really make sure he was still here with me. I'm not crazy am i for doing that?

I'm sorry!

I havent been here a while and i'm sorry, life has just gotten in the way and plus i just havent really wanted to get on here anyway. I just dont seem to wanna get on the computer much not even Webkinz will hold my interest i just wanna sit down and read and write and draw right now. Grrr sorry i've been away i miss Jenny and Sara tons right now cause they arent at school with me but oh well i guess i'll live! ^^

Clinicals

I'm so excited for them! If i'm not wrong my dad paid for my scrubs so now they have to come in and i have to get my immunization to Mrs. Wright! I now know how to massage and oh man i need to give you one Jenny and Sara i plan on giving Blade one tomorrow if he'll hold still! Grrr i have a TB test on the 22nd and i'm not going to be to fond of that i hate needles but i'm sooooo excited!!!!! Weeeeeee! ^^

Poem

i've been feeling sorta moody today, so here's what i've come up with!



I see you on your pedstal,
The mighty you proclaim,
You want yourself to be seen so you may condem us all.

What happened to you,
You blame me for the path i chose,
You refuse to talk or even look at me now.

Did you begin to like me,
Did you start when i stopped liking you,
All these thoughts in my head confuse me making the path more hard to see.

I will forever stumble blindly,
Holding on to the rope that's broken,
And finding a message straight from you.

You dont want to be my friend anymore,
Because of how i changed,
Did anyone not tell you we all change?

You seem to think your so perfect,
But the things you cannot tell me you tell others,
And instead you hurt me more than you ever have before.

You glare at me and wont even speak to me,
So i guess that's my punishment for being myself,
I'll gladly take it as long as i dont see you again.

The pain will be sore and fester,
It may turn into hatred,
But now i hope you fall off your precious pedstal... join us on the ground.

I've been thinking.

I've been thinking a lot these past couple days. I've been thinking that maybe i'll just have Jenny and Sara over for the Apple Festival that night i have to work friday from 5-8 then on Saturday the day of i told Matt i'd work for him from 4-8 which i dont mind he hasnt had a break since Joe was there so i understand he wants some time off plus he works another job to. So much has been happening lately that i just dont know what to do anymore! Aaron's getting a motorcycle and i dont have a good feeling about it!

I love him to death he's the best brother in the world and i dont want to see him get hurt! So many other things have been going on to but i wont go into those, i'm tired of my work place so i need to go out and job hunt soon, i like when me and mom go cause she drives and we talk and i go in and fill out papers and all that good stuff but i'm just worried so much about him!

Why fight now?

So today was amazing! I got to play my very first game of D&D i had so much fun! It was awesome and i love it, Blade mostly set up my character ok well he did set up my character i just put input of weapons and armor. Well as we were about to leave the church my car wouldnt start up! I thought that was the worst of my problems! No its minor to when i got home and my mom told me Katie had broken up with Aaron. She told me not to fight with him and not to call him names. I felt horrible because they always seemed so happy together! But then again not even all relationships last, she told him she just didnt feel that spark.

He's at dads now cause he wants to be alone. I can understand that but i totally miss him and Reaper's still down at the church. Oh well so i guess we'll have to adjust now, Aaron's not gonna be textin her probably and he'll probably wanna spend maybe some time with us or with his friends you can never tell with him. I know he's sad he has to be! I miss him though, i miss him real bad but what can you do?

I havent been here in a while.

I feel kinda bad that i havent, comment spamming is fun hahaha! Well anyway so much has happened over the past what 2 weeks? Its been crazy i hate Latin class with a burning pasion because everyone in it is just being stupid. Except for the few! Hmm well not much to say except like Saturday i had an emotional breakdown that was fun! Not really it took two people to calm me down! That's sad but yeah umm i dont know, Mythology is pretty good. I love my first period class a lot! Hmmm i dont really know exactly what to say cause i have nothing to say really. *Skips off to read more blogs*

I'm back!

A lot of things have been going on in my head recently, just this past two weeks have been different but i've found i can still rely on at least someone. There are some people that ask what's wrong just for the story, others ask because they truly care. School starts back Tuesday for us and i'm anxious but i'm also scared! I guess i'm scared to see how much we've all changed over the summer! I for one have lost weight so i'm anxious to see who can tell, i'm excited to go back and see everyone again but then again i wonder who else has joined our group. I dont even know half of them!

But the good thing is this is my last year full of drama so that's good! Nothing really to do tomorrow except for go to wal mart,I'm dragging Blade along... ok i'm not dragging but I always feel weird when i go places alone like i'm on the spotlight and people are looking at me funny! I hate it but whatever i guess right? Ok well i guess this is my drabble for tonight i'm glad you enjoyed it... hmm Haruhi needs to be charged up and i should really put my keys away... ok sorry! Well bye!

w00t!

I changed the whole look, thanks to Des' comment on myspace i had the same outlook on my myspace blog i decided to change both the backgrounds 'cause they dont look to good as most of you know! Ok sooo my new background is Inuyasha! Yep anime, and its Kagome and Inuyasha only one i really liked soooo yep. You guys are now my stalkers! I'm so happy! Ahahaha yeah i'm weird! Ok well enjoy the new look! I added the followers again and it put you guys back up again! So your my stalkers! Yaaaaaaaay! ^^ Ok well i'm gonna put some more stuff up here like vids so yep!

I have this notion...

to delete this blog and continue on with my other one. This one is just so depressing! Honestly it is, i dont know maybe i'll keep it maybe i wont. Hmmm the older posts are so sad its quiet scary honestly but i dont know i might keep it. My brain wont let me write anymore some steel covered beavers are in there (No pun on your last name Kaitlin) trying to build a dam. Jenny is running them off and the Kebler Elves still want my Fruity Pebbles!

In other news! I have no idea! ^^ this is the 11:45 news!

I have...

Had the most random urge to listen to Papercut!! Now Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park is singing it so i'm happy! ^^ My ringtone for picture messages and voicemail and texts is that song so whenever i hear some of it i'm like, "NO!!!!!! Haruhi i demand you play the whole song!" But she doesnt.... Windows Media Player does! Ok yeah if that doesnt make you guys think i'm crazy i'm not sure what will..... LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it live to! Ok its a good thing no ones home i just went into air guitar mode woooooooooo!

I usually never like the Live but its awesome! That pitcular one is anyway still much for the ones that are live but whatever.... i need to change my background but i wont because everything but the posts would disappear.... so i'll suffer! ^^ Wow i just realized my cheeks are like red... i'm blushin! ^^

Do you ever...

Look at yourself in the mirror and think you look totally different?! I just looked in the mirror in the bathroom and i looked so different to me! Most of you know i just got contacts so its weird for me to not see myself with glasses, i'm like... "Woah is that really me?" And i sometimes touch my face to where my glasses were trying to push them up but then i realize there not there... its awesome but then again its weird... but awesome!!!! =^.^= look its another kitty!

Music

I love it! I've been listening to some of my DLS (Dirty Little Secrets) and not The All American Rejects song! There are bands i say are my DLS because no one really likes them or listens to them! But there on here so its Backstreet Boys! I really love Shape Of My Heart by them and This I Promise You by NSYNC, i almost cried when i saw the video it was so sweet. The One is so sweet to! Sorry i'm weird! =^.^= its a kitty!

So nervous!

I'm just nervous i dont know wether its about tomorrow the last day of VBS or something else... I went and saw the Half Blood Prince, yes its Harry Potter it was amazing! Jenny's comin over tomorrow mornin for church then she's gonna help me pick out an outfit cause i'm goin out tomorrow and then we'll eat lunch and i'll be off to my dads... wow i'm so nervous.

It seems like...

Things are changing before my eyes and my work hours are depleting! Ugh its killing me! And now i'm on the phone and my friend is actin like such a total dork but that's why i love her so much! I'll be a senior this year! Wow its finally here and i never thought it would come! I always thought i'd be the dorky little freshman who depended on her bro to get her through high school, which he never did. Now he's gone to college and i'm a senior! It feels so weird, but at the same time i'm so excited! I'll be going to my very first prom this year! ^^ Oh yeah i'm one of the weird ones who waits till her senior year to go!

I'm nervous but so physched! I keep tellin Jenny if i dont have a date i'm draggin her with me. I so hope i have a date, i'm excited about going! I love dressing up and looking all fancy and havin somewhere to go, besides just goin to stores and tryin it on and tryin to figure out where i'd wear it to! I cant stop smiling, my thoughts are so jumbled it seems! I'm very happy to say thanks to Mrs. D i now have a Celtic Woman Cd and thanks to Confuzzy (that's what i call her) for one of my favorite songs!

Scarborough Fair! Its soooo beautiful! I'm strangely not tired, i'm trying to finish the cd and not change it to my now 3 favorite well 4 now 5 favorite songs ok so far i love the whole cd! My mind wont let me go to sleep now! Oh well i'll stay up late and go to bed whenever good night for now i'm off to do something not sure what... guess i'll watch tv.

Somethings are working...

Haruhi is starting to want to work again, now if only her screen would behave its like looking at it in negative. Anyway i've been waiting for a certain someone to ask something, and dropping hints isnt my specialty! My mind has been racing for the past couple days and i blame hormones for making me so darn crazy! I cant stop thinking about this one thing it just nags my mind and brings a smile to my face and i'm happy but then something else in the depths of my mind nags and i'm sad for even thinking it!

Most of you know the story of someone i really cared for passed away. I'm so terrified of letting the memory of him slip away i've shut everyone out and forgotten how fun dating is! I really like this guy and i finally got the courage and just told him then logged off yeah i know its soooo corny but with Jenny on the other line i was able to do it. I was so nervous i thought i was going to cry and that's never happened before! But anyway i've been terrified of letting the memory go and its become sort of a crutch i use to get people to stray away from me.

I lean heavily on it and i'm afraid to walk without it. I miss him dearly and i know i do at some point have to move on but it feels like no one in the world understands! They keep trying to help me and it just feels like i dont want to help myself. Sometimes i feel like i want to wallow in the misery, i keep searching for a way out and when someone provides the answer i run away scared tail tucked between my legs. This crutch is something i feel like i cant let go of.

My friends have all told me before, "Maybe he is watching over you. He would want you to be happy." And as much as i know that to more than likely be true i still find myself slipping back slowly towards the doubt. Over analyzing is what i do to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. I'm sure i've pretty much annoyed all my friends but they've managed to stick by me and helped me get out what i'm trying to get out.

Jenny and Sara have seen me at my lowest points, Sara and i even drowned ourselves in chocolate one time. Jenny's listened and always provided a shoulder as has Sara and she's quick with the advice, fluent in what she's talking about and i'm starting to follow some of it. I've started a journal where in my code i write letters i havent done it very often because everything i've wanted to scream i've done it in my head. Sometimes i feel so crazy for doing it but then i feel a little better each time i do.

This week has been a tough one, last week was to but i'm glad to be able to have reassurance that i know someone is watching over me. Even if i do screw up, its ok because that's what life is isnt it? Messing up, fixing it, loving others, just being who we are. Not sure where that last line came from something my mind is known to conjure up. So i'm done for now.

Slowly...

Going insane without my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dropped Haruhi (my cell phone yes i named her!) In water yesterday and my mom says it might take a week or so to get her back to normal she says 9/10 times if you let it dry out for a week it'll be good as new. I MISS HER! Ugh i'm sooooo bored! Now i'll have to tell my boss if she wants me early for work she'll have to call the house................. i'm boooooored!

Is it worth it?

It feels like someone just stabbed a knife in my heart and is twisting it around until the pain becomes unbearable. My heart aches and the tears i've carefully hidden threaten to fall once again. So much is going through my head and yet no one seems to be out there. I'm falling apart at the seams and everyone thinks i'm ok. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and once again i ask myself why couldnt i be the coward i am and keep my mouth shut. I know i cant handle this right now. I'm breaking, and falling and i'm tearing at the seams. Nothing is working, no one is there. So why am i still here?

War

This is a poem written for my brother.

I really wish you wouldnt do this,
Wish you'd just leave me out,
The truth i can handle,
The fire i cant put out.

I know this is your life,
You may do with it what you wish,
But for once i'm begging you,
Just dont do this!

You have your own rights,
I understand your growing up,
But please i'm still begging you,
Just dont do this!

Maybe its time i decide to stand up,
But I realize i'm just not ready yet,
I'll do this on my own time,
Maybe you'll forget.

I hate this war that goes on between you two,
What i really ask from you,
Is dont make me choose sides,
Its not something i can do.

Just promise me just this one thing,
Leave me out is all i want,
For peace from you two,
From this ever raging war.

Story Time!

I just wanna write and see where it goes!


He felt the zap almost like something had went through him but stopped just inside his gut. He felt the surge of power being pulled and dragged, thrashed around like a rag doll in a dogs mouth. He doubled over and Anjahli rushed towards him, "Muyami!" She cried shaking him. He rolled on his stomach and wrapped his arms securely around his middle as if it would fall apart with each tug and pull of power.

Ok this one stops i have somethin else that's nagging me.

"Stand down!" Skyler commaned his voice was strong and Ryane drove harder into Dark with her sword. "Stand down Ryane!" He commanded.

"No! I have to kill him! I have to!"She cried. Tears rolled there way down her cheeks and she pushed the sword in Dark's gut harder. "I can't do what he says anymore... can't owe him any more favors."

"Stand down!" Sky's voice echoed through the trees and Muyami gripped his middle tighter. The pain wouldnt let up and if Ryane didnt stop using her energy and his to they'd both be in serious trouble.

"No." Her voice was defiant.

"Trenton didnt die to have you do this! Now stand down!" Sky shouted.

Ryane stopped her eyes grew wide and she dropped to her knees. Dark pulled the sword out and the hole where it had once been sealed shut. Once he had left she got up as well and ran the opposite way of the house. "Your going to go get her right?" Leah asked hip cocked.

"Yeah... i am." Sky turned and ran after her.

"Muyami? You ok?" Tash bent down next to him. His breathing became regular again and with Anjahli's help he was up and ready to go. "Back to the house we go i guess."

Sky's heart raced, not from the run but for fear of the place he knew Ryane would go. He found the lights on in the storage house they, all but Ryane, called. He walked in and found her on the couch surronded by photo albums, glass littered the floor. He had forgotten how fast she could run and how fast she could destory things when her emotions raged. "He left.... me." She whispered looking up at Skyler.

Sky walked over and dropped down beside her. "You know why he let you go so easy? Trenton i mean." Sky started.

Ryane shook her head. "Because he knew you loved me at the time, and i loved you." Past tense. It rang in Ryane's ear making her next sentence hard to force out.

"What... am i... to you?" She choked out not able to find her legs.

"You are everything to me Ryane. Everything. And its not because you keep me alive, which you dont do very well. You could have gotten killed. But not the point Ryane your my everything." He said pulling her close.

"So where does that leave us?" She pulled back out of his grasp and finding her legs began to pick up the broken glass and ripped up pictures.

Skyler gently grabbed her shoulders and forced her to meet his gaze. "I dont know. I really dont Ryane. I wish i did but i dont and.... i really do love you." He said and she realized how close he was.

Her face turned a crimson red and she didnt fight or try and pull away. "I... I love you to." She whispered. He brought her close and touched his lips to hers, this time she didnt hesitate she kissed him back. She pulled away when a sharp sensation pierced her skin, "Ow!" She looked down and realized she had glass in her hands.

"Same old Ryane." He said getting up to get some towels. He came back and pressed them against her palm where the bleeding had started. She got on the couch and when Sky was settled she placed her head on his chest her eyes slowly closing.

"Lets stay here tonight. We'll go home tomorrow." She whispered.

"Yeah, ok. I love you Ryane." He said pulling the cover off the back of the couch and gently placing it on her.

"Love you to Sky." She said and then like a blanket covering her she was asleep.

"Trenton. You really did love her, probably more than me you gave her up so we could be together. I'll never forget that." Sky said as darkness over took him.

"Skyler... take care of her for me please. Take care of her." Trenton said.

"I will you know i will. I love her she's everything to me." Skyler replied not sure where the conversation was leading.

"I'm not going to be here forever. Something's going to happen to us, she'll be all you have left. She's not exactly good at keeping anyone alive but she can do it... just be good to her. She'll need someone." He looked up into the night sky and laughed.

"What do you mean? What's going on?" Sky asked.

"Chaos is going to try something. I dont know when, how or what. We're going to be killed, you and Ryane won't. And man seriously dont let her think its her fault i know she will, dont let her! I dont want her in pain and end up doing something stupid! Ok you got me?" Trenton said serious again.

"Yeah, yeah i understand. I will." Skyler looked up at the sky and shook his head.

Wondering?

Well for those of you wondering where i ran off to here's the play by play, i've mostly been grounded and at a work, i just got off groundence and back here the 5th and now i've mostly been at work and just sometimes getting on here! Ugh yeah i know i need to check things more often sorry i do love you guys really i do! Ok now i have to go again because i have to do yardwork love ya bye!

Just because...

Just because i felt like writing yet another blog, i'm tired. The mall was pretty good today, yesterday Sara and i dined on chocolate hahaha it was quiet good. I dont really know i'm just bored and wanting to do something with my hands as i'm waiting patiently for Chapter 4: Gone to be in my head so i may write down more things for it because i have like a page and that's it! Oh wait yeah Jenny and Sara know about it but some of you dont. I dont really wanna talk about it so i'll just say this, its a story with my friends in it.... Ronnie, Blade your in chapter 3! Hahahaha it was Alice and Wonderland themed! I'll let you guys guess who you were and what you were doing!

You'd get what you were doing right but who you were i doubt it! ^^ Have fun with that and now if you'll excuse me i'm tired. Bye!

I dont know!

I feel so confused, scared and just worried! I'm getting ahead of myself let me start by saying this week has not been good! I'm just tired and i'm depressed and i dont really want to talk about it but then again i want nothing more than to vent and rant and yell and scream! Of course i do rant and yell and scream but sometimes that doesnt help. Sometimes i feel better keeping it in, placing a smile on my face and shoving it into the depths of my mind. I'm happier with friends most people know this, alone i feel sometimes like a train wreck.

I feel very lonely right now, like no one in the world understands me. Sometimes i can sit for a while and just stare blankly at nothing. I get so caught up in that one thing i lose track of time and i have nothing to worry about. Just staring blankly at work doing dishes was enough to make me forget about everything but what i was doing at that point and time! Sometimes i just want to scream and rave and rant but that's not really going to help anything it just gets out in the open and makes it the topic of discussion at the time!

Not something i really want either. I feel like i'm slowly losing my mind, just one day at a time i'm slowly forgetting.... and slowly i'm forgetting what i was going to say. I feel like theres this giant hole in my heart that needs to be plugged so no more.... well so nothing can seep out so no one can see and know what i really feel.

I feel awful and just plain worn out, i can sleep for hours on end and still wake up tired! There are some days when i'm truly happy and other days i'm just forcing the smile, see a pattern? I do, its not a good one i'll admit but its the one i've been traveling and the one i'm not ready to give up. The one that's worn with my feet trecking over it time and time again yet i still dont want to give it up because if i do i'll be forced down a new path, one i have yet to travel.

Sometimes i feel like i'm stepping into my own depth of fears, there like waves coming in and playing around the edges of your feet. The ocean is so clear from a far distance and you can see everything in it, but once you've stepped in only then do you realize how dark and murky it is and how far you really are. Its then i realize all the things i've forced back into the depth of my mind have found there way to the surface and are ready to come spewing out.

So biting my tounge i say nothing else. I'm so confused right now it just seems there is one person who can make it all better, who can just listen and let me talk. But even then sometimes i dont want to tell them, i dont want them to think of me as weird, or horrible, or whiny but then again would it ever matter?

Sometimes i wonder if it would matter to anyone else besides my friends if i slowly stopped talking and just shut everyone one out and became the person i most fear.

Back... for now

Yeah i've been grounded sorry i havent said anything. A lot has been going on this past month, somethings i want to talk about others i just keep in my head. Its always nice to see a friend you havent seen since Vacation started... well its nice until the point their friend comes over and they completly ignore you. I will say this now i may be back off again soon and i'd rather not explain. I'm tired i've been up since 5:30 this mornin and i see no sign of me going back to bed anytime soon! i've had so much on my mind lately that at work one of the twins scared me half to death! Oh yeah i have a job now! Haha.



I wish for once i was able to let the past be the past and not keep poking and prodding it. But for whatever reason i can never leave it alone, i just want to get hurt again it seems. Ugh, well i'll deal with that bridge when it comes to it. Hopefully Monday Sara and i will be off to the mall lookin at cute guys! There is one guy i do like that does go to our school, wait 2 sorry i forgot one that's bad but oh well. Any way i'm gone i need to get a shower and start gettin ready or at least sleep a little before church! Bye now!

Life's....

Not how it used to be. Made an 82 on the Geomerty exam i'm glad but i wonder sometimes how life will pan out. Mom and i had an interesting discussion yesterday which was Friday. We fought i cried, but in the end i think it'll make me a stronger person... help me to rely on my family... or maybe it'll just break me. Either way something will change but for the worst or for the good?

Guess i'm back

For who knows how long! This little saying is very true for me right now.



So what who cares i'm just a rag doll to people why not treat me like you want i feel no pain right?! Wrong, i'm human and i'm tired of being this person i am the one that i hate! You want to know how i feel this is how i feel! i'm the person i most despise and i despise my own self i can find nothing good about myself! What's wrong with me?!

Not sure

I'm not sure why i'm here or where i'm going, all i'm aware of is that things are harder than they once were and i'm growing into someone i'm afraid of.

Sermon

My day started off good now its just sorta went downhill from there. I went from being up beat to just plain out depressed again. I know i shouldnt be mad at him for dying like Jazz said he didnt exactly sign up for it but i still miss him terribly. There were things in Aaron (not my bro the other one) that he did that made me think of him. The way he laughed for one and picked with me i mean it just reminded me of him so bad! And i liked feeling like i had a part of my old love back i mean it was nice but things cant last forever.

Everyone says and i do believe this that things happen for a reason. God does things to show us things and by him dying i wonder what he was trying to show me! That i shouldnt talk to him, that he wasnt right for me? I want to know but i guess i wont find out, maybe it was just his time to go. I've been listening to Pieces, Already Over, and Shadows by Red so maybe this is what has me down even though i doubt it.

Normally i feel so full of life, its only when i'm alone do i feel like this. I dont really think i wanna go eat lunch anymore or 3rd because whenever i have a bad day Josh and Rachel dont really make it any better and sometimes i just wanna be alone. Maybe one day i'll get the courage to tell people i'd rather be alone for a day to just think. To just let everything settle and these feelings to pass. Its not like i have to have someone with me everywhere i go and hold my hand because i have a problem! I suppose that's where my independence of my feelings comes in.

I'd rather deal with it alone, i'd rather sort it out alone! I dont like having help from people showing me how i feel and what else i discover about myself because it never equals to my expections and it never equals the worlds i shouldnt worry about what the world thinks! God should always matter he should always come first in not only my life but in everyone else's as well. I'm not shoving anything down ya'lls throat so dont lie and say i am!

I went to revival last week and it was amazing, he stepped on all our toes with his sermon but it was what i needed. I dont feel like i'm glorifying God in some things that i do, my youth teacher this morning told us that when God gives us a gift that we're supposed to use it for his Kingdom, i think my gift would be caring for others but i'm never sure if i'm using it for the Kingdom of God. I dont know if and how to do that i guess is what i'm trying to say. In church i dont really understand what Pastor J (or as i say PJ) talks about.

But at revival it was everything i needed to hear and he was fun and he was good! But with PJ its just sorta.... eh ok yeah. I'm not sure how to witness either i'm always afraid i'll be made of and i dont know what to say, i try to help my friends by giving them Godly advice. I mean because everyone's like "Ok ima just go out and have sex with this guy whose had sex with 4 other girls" yeah ew! Your basically having sex with all the people he's slept with!

And dont lie to yourselves and say he dont have an STD when he might! If he says he dont, please dont be stupid and take his word! I wouldn't trust a man if he ever said that to me, i'd punch him for even asking me to have sex with him, or like some guys and expect me to! If i'm married to ya sure if i'm not dont expect anything from me cause its a definite no! Ok well i'm done with my sermon!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWQa5_6djQg Red - Pieces (its a really good song if you wanna go check it out!)

Ok....

I'm alive for those of you just wondering, i got grounded from the computer for 2 weeks for not doing my chores before spending the night with Jazz...... sooooo now i'm off to do my chores i shall return whenever!

Dead!

He died! Why? Why would he have to die! What do i have to show for it? I'm pissed because he's not alive and i feel like a shell just empty and missing him! I didnt believe him, i was the only that did but then i stopped... he wouldnt lie to me like that... its just not him. So what do i do now?

Sleepy!

I havent really had that much time to blog, i went to Jenny's friday where we took bunches of pictures 87 to be exact and i think ima just let her onto my myspace and put 'em up there for me cause there on her camera. Also i'm super tired and tomorrow i can finally sleep in without the baby waking me! I'm also very exicted about tomorrow to! But i'll bore you with the details later on like.... say Wedesday? Hmmm yes! hahaha! Ok.... well i just had a weird conversation, one of my friends just typed K and sent it to me, and it was on MSN and it said she was offline but now she's talkin to Jenny!

This is all to much for my tiny brain to handle! I'm tired! I feel so awake yet i feel like i could just curl in a ball on the floor and be comfy and go out like a light! I think Jenny's light is a little confuzzled, when she turns it on it'll turn on then dim then slowly make itself brighter.... haha. yeah i'm tired so anything is funny to me! I'm so ready to just jump around and run and have a giggle fit! Ok well i'm done i'm tired and i'm gone so peace! ^^

Haven't...

Wrote that much, well since my blow up on here which is now below this post. Things have gotten better but now i'm not sure where i'm headed anymore. I dont like opening up very much because its hard for me. I should get over it, and my fears i'm trying to overcome them because i dont want fear holding me back. I dont like the unknown but i guess sometimes you just have to jump in the waters and let the current take you where its going.

Its hard doing that, i dont like the fear of the unknown i'm happy to be where i am now. Everyone wants me to change and someone told me to change because i want to not because i wanted to make them happy... is it possible to do both? Because i put people first before me is it possible to work on myself while making them happy that i'm doing so? I find comfort in the smiles my friends give me and i find that as my harbor, my lighthouse when i've lost my way. Cheesy to you but true for me.

In my friends smiles i see happiness and i see them truly happy! I guess i dont really feel so happy right now, i kinda feel alone even though i'm surrounded by my friends and family. I place my mask on everyday and i try to be something i'm not for them! I want to be happy and i find that in my friends and in others. But i dont know, i just sometimes feel alone like no one cares whether i live or die and those are the ones i try to please the most. I dont see why i'd even want to, or why i do!

I try to please everyone, i try to be superwoman and end up realizing i'm not. I'm human and i can only do what i've been given to work with. I hate being alone it allows for to much thinking with me, i'd rather be with my friends or family doing something i always take the last minute to think about things and pray things work out for the best.... not good i know. Sometimes i hate being me, i'd rather be someone who has everything under control!

Instead i'm spacy in 2nd and i'm carrying 2 C's and trying to get by in Geometry and not really doing my homework because half the time i dont even understand it! I dont like it, its not going to help me and yet i have to take it. Pisses me off! It's my rant for the day!

Sorry if i'm rantin to much let me know.... so i can apologize because i will as most people know about me i freak when someone is sad and mad and all that i start apologizing like crazy. Then come hugs and more freaking out, then more hugs and its just a big cycle.

There's a lot of advice i've been given and if i could remember it i'd probably... ok i wont lie i wouldnt take it because i'm stupid and very stubborn! I should, but this is who i am and frankly i'm getting tired of it. Maybe its me trying to break out of my shell, i dont want to be afraid it holds me back and i'm trying to get better at it believe me. As for the talking i just dont like talking about certain things so i tend to just shy away and change subjects. Hmmm no never mind i had a weird thought but ya'll'd think i'm really weird. Well ya'll do but weirder than normal how 'bout that?

Don't!

Dont tell me everything is going to be ok when its not! Stop telling me i'm sorry, i dont care that you are so stop! Stop telling me you posted something new on your blog, i'm a follower for a reason!!!! Stop saying i hope you feel better, i'm not going to so shut up! I wish people would think before posting a comment, i hate when someone tells me they have something new on their blog it makes me think you dont even care about me. I'm a follower for a reason think about it, if i dont read it at first i will i have other things to do in my life besides cater to you and your blogs! The only thing it will however do is piss me off the more!

I hate when people say its going to be ok, they lie its not! I sit here and tell everyone what's wrong with me because they get mad if i dont! I do and no one cares, yet when i'm having a horrible day they get pissed because i'm not smiling! Why do you think?! I want someone who doesnt say anything, who probably wants to know but is waiting till i'm comfertable with talking to them, Amber is a prime example! She only asks what's wrong and if i dont wanna talk about it she says ok and doesnt bug me anymore about it!

I cant stand being bugged about it, it pisses me off! And another thing chain letters are stupid! No one cares that theres a boy named Teddy whose got no eyes and is bleeding and if you dont send it someone he'll kill you! How does he even know me? How does he even know i didnt send it? He has no eyes how's he gonna kill me again?! I know some people are really stupid but can we seriously grow up and stop thinking your going to be killed by a kid with no eyes! Ok yeah i'm guilty of it to but thanks to Jazz i've stopped sending them! She reads them and laughs then exits out of them she would have been killed way before i have and i stopped sending them and i'm still alive!

Exactly how does he know where i live? Is he stalking me? What about the millions of people who dont send it? He got clones? Idiots.

He has...

Altizmers and i wish he didnt. My grandpa does and i wish so bad he didnt because i dont want him to forget me! I know if he does he wont be able to help it but i love him i really do! We not have the best relationship going but whatever ya know? I mean he's still my family and when i told my mom she asked if my grandma knew, she probably does. He said he forgets sometimes where he lives and yesterday him and dad were measuring something and as soon as he did it he'd forget it.

I just dont want him to forget me, i've always favored him over my grandma 'cause he's cooler to me. He's 72 and no matter how close we are it still hurts because he's the last living of my grandparents him and my grandma are, the ones on my moms side i never even knew because they died shortly after i was born! Its not fair! You think you have all the time in the world with them and then you realize that you dont.

Well i've already had 2 emotional break downs one in 4th, and then today after school on Sara. I'm about to have a 3rd and i really dont want to because i hate crying in front of people and it sucks and i'm having a bad day and my car locked me out this morning and i cried because of that and i'm so weak! No wonder why people run! I would to if i could but i cant!

Famous words by Jacob Black

Life sucks and then you die.

Random Writing part 7

"It's time i do this, i see the best in people and its what I've always done." Emilen said holding onto Abel's hand. "I'm going to go look for my genealogy."


"You can go to the library for that." Abel responded.


Emilen shook her head and continued on, "Yes i know that but I'm going to go search for it on my own... ok not on my own Felix is coming because he's been wanting to do the same thing for years." At Abel's look she rushed on, "I need to know more about me! And since Rune isn't here i don't just want to see old newspaper clippings i want to meet my family! The ones that are still alive and i have a sibling not much older than me and i want to meet them."


"Why don't you want me to go?" Abel asked.


"Your going to college, if you haven't noticed Felix and i aren't really college material. I'm not even sure we'd last a second there!"

"So exactly how long will you be gone? And how much is that going to cost?" Abel questioned hoping she would just rather stay home.


"When Felix's parents died they didn't have any other kids besides Felix so he's very well off, and as for that I'm not sure... possibly a year seeing as were going to leave for Ireland in the morning and then possibly go the Amazons." Emilen murmured.


"A year?!" Abel shouted. "Emilen-"

"No don't! Listen first, ok i know this is going to be hard trust me its hard on me. And i know what your going to say about Felix!"

"He loves you!" Abel yelled.

"Yes i know and i love him but not in the same way i love you! He's the brother i never had and he knows that and understands that! Abel this is going to put a huge strain on our relationship but if we really love each other we'll work it out. Won't we?" Emilen whispered.


Abel pulled her into his lap and held her for a moment, "I love you Emilen more than words can say. You know we will, and you also know that i'm jealous. I know Felix isn't college material and the more i think about it you arent either. Write me and let me know how your doing ok?" Abel said.


"I'll call you to, i need to finish packing. Do you want to help?" Emilen asked. Abel nodded and gently kissed her before they headed off to her room to finish packing.


"Hey! Oh you going somewhere?" Phoenix asked as Emilen got the last of her shirts out of the drawer and threw them to Abel who organized them into her suitcase.


"Yeah, Felix and i are leaving tomorrow for Ireland we're searching for our family. I want to know who i was before i forgot and Felix wants to see if he has any other family members that are alive. Ever since his parents died he's been, well he thinks he's been the only child so he's very well off and he thinks that if he finds another sibling that he didnt know about he wants to meet them." Emilen smiled as Felix came in keys jangling from his pocket.

"Yep, are you packed?" Felix asked as he started over to the suitcase.

"Yeah, wait are we leaving now?" Emilen questioned staring at her clock. It was ten at night and a Sunday at that. Spring break was ending so people were sure to be coming home by now.

"Well yeah Spring break's ending and there's going to be a bunch of traffic in the morning and i'd like to get there before i turn thirty!" Felix laughed. Emilen smiled and nodded, Felix lugged Emilen's suitcase away and downstairs to the car.

"I'll miss you." Emilen whispered hugging Abel.

"Miss you to." He responded bending down to give her a kiss. Phoenix sighed and left leaving the couple to say their last good-bye for about a year. "Call me as soon as you get there, i want to know that your ok." She nodded and hugged him one more time before heading down stairs to hug Phoenix, Onyx and Cain good-bye.

"We'll miss you our little sunshine flower!" Cain responded.

"Dude.... that was super gay!" Onyx laughed. Cain knocked Onyx to his feet and placed his fist over his chest and covered it with his other hand as he bowed. "I'll kill you later!" Onyx responded getting up to hug Emilen.

"Don't kill my boyfriend! I'd like to have him back in one piece!" Phoenix cajoled. Onyx muttered something and sulked off to get some ice cream.

"We'll see you in about a year." Felix said as he and Emilen hopped in and drove off. Emilen looked back at the smiling faces everyone was there but Abel, when she looked up she saw him sitting on the window sill to his room waving her off. It was a picture of him she would always remember and never forget.

"Bye Abel... i love you." She whispered as Felix took a turn and they headed out of sight.

Random Writing part 6

It was sunny out and that meant practice for the whole house. Phoenix had come over earlier that day searching for Abel. When she found him she had challenged him to a duel and the two were outside with Onyx, Emilen and Felix. Cain had put his shoes on and was taken to the most remote place by Onyx and was going to travel more of the forest, his feet were also used to help him see and the only things he would be seeing were trees and the markers Onyx had put on the way so he could find his way back home.

Felix sat there Emilen curled around in his fur holding Cain's guitar. She strummed a bar and when Felix would close his eyes and his tongue would loll out she would do it again. Phoenix smiled and Abel charged her again this time catching her off guard. She fell onto her back as he pinned her down, his tongue lolled out and was dangerously close to her cheek. "Don't you dare!" She cried trying to push the heavy werewolf off her. "Abel! I mean it!" She yelled.

Abel's tongue touched her cheek and made a circuit from there to her hair. "Ew!" She shouted trying to get off. Abel barked a laugh and got off before Phoenix really killed him. Emilen chuckled and leaned back into Felix's fur. Felix laughed and gently prodded Emilen out, he gently licked her from her cheek to hair and she giggled.

"Closest you'll ever get to kissing her." Abel muttered. Phoenix turned and saw Abel had changed back into his pants and had his arms crossed over his bare chest.

"Be nice." Phoenix chidded. Abel sighed and waved her off before turning to leave, "Excuse us." He heard Phoenix say before she grabbed him by his arm and drug him off towards the house. "What was that all about?!" She cried once inside and the door had safely clicked shut.

"Does it matter?" Abel retorted.

"No! Not to her, but to you yeah! Your so jealous of him why is that?" She asked truly curious.

"I am not!"

"Oh stop being childish! Yes you are and you know it! Are you going to tell me or not?" She huffed. Abel sighed and flopped on the couch, "She chose you! You should be happy she didn't have to give you a second chance but she did. Abel ever since Rune you've been so jealous... maybe you've always been like that but i dont think you have. She finally remembers you'd think you'd be happy! But no! She is and your so jealous! Why is that?!

"It can't be... Oh." Phoenix whispered looking outside.

"Yeah 'oh' is right!" Abel growled.

"He would never take her. He loves her Abel but there so good for each other, dont make her choose because she'll only choose you because she's afraid you'll leave her. She loves him but maybe not in the same way as he loves her. Without her, he'd be in that hell hole every day... wanna know how i know that?" She questioned.

Abel nodded so Phoneix went on, "He told me. Said Cain could only help him so much, whenever she came here they took right to each other. You were off dealing with Kally and we understand that but he won't ruin the bond they have so that's why he basically punched you and yelled at you when we all knew you loved her. Maybe not the right way to go but i'm happy he's being assertive. Anyway he was the one who knew where Emilen was not Rune! Rune must have heard, he was trying to get in good with Onyx becuase Cain and Onyx are the strongest."

"Yeah they are, but he could have had her. I wanted them to be together." Abel replied.

"But you love her and she loves you! Don't ruin your happiness, they say love comes only once. I however think that's a bunch of bull! But that's just me. Abel you love her, she loves you and your together stop worrying about it! She's in safe hands and besides he was one of the first of us to really accept her. He would never try and take her away from you. He loves her to much, i'm not saying you dont you do but you get what i'm trying to say?" Phoenix asked.

"Yeah i do." He said.

"Don't take him away from her. Emilen needs Felix, they're good for each other. If you really love her you won't make her choose. I'm only saying." Phoenix replied as she opened the door and went outside.

Abel went to the window and looked out; Felix and Emilen were lying together Felix still in his wolf form Emilen curled around his side both sleeping out in the sun. Phoenix hopped into a tree and just stared at the setting sun, she looked at Onyx and who bobbed his head and headed to go find Cain. "Tomorrow..." Emilen whispered to a half dozing Felix, "I want to take you to see my parents."

Felix made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like he agreed, 'Your memories will always live on Adalyn... Ryker and Rain.' Felix thought as he dozed off.

Today

Was the most horrible day of my life! It sucked and i feel like crap and i'm still pissed! Ahhhh why can't i go even one day without something bad happening!!!!!!!!!!!

It wasn't...

Meant to be i guess. I still blame myself a lot of things have happened Jenny knows and so does Angel and i dont really wanna post up here what happened. Yes i'm still a virgin! I know someone will end up asking that! but its fine whatever ya know? I guess i'm hurt but i'll survive. anyway i guess i just wanted to say that. i feel sad but i also feel relieved in a way. I feel bad but i dont know i guess i'm not so sure how i really feel. Suppose it'll hit me tomorrow like a ton of bricks! I really should come out of my little fantasy from time to time and see what's really going on.

I guess i kinda expected it so yesterday was my day to just cry to Angel and Jenny and i'm sorry if i bugged you Jenny. I'm sorta scared again about how everything will go down tomorrow. I mean i know they'll understand but i guess i just dont want the questioning gazes and to answer your question Blade i wasnt dating anyone. I wasnt even dating Aaron we just really liked each other but that never went very far. I still dont think i should even bring up any of my past, it seems like when i do people run away.

I'm still trying to get over some of the hurt from another guy who kept coming back but also i feel like i have a new hurt. I'm confused more than ever and i think i will be until i realize what i'm so confused about. Jenny if you dont wanna talk to me tonight cause more than likely i will dont answer k?

Just wanna...

Blog! i guess i havent done enough except for the random writing but that doesnt really tell you about my day now does it? Anyway i dont know how i'm feeling right now, with Angel playing matchmaker for me i feel flattered yet afraid. I mean sooo i met this guy at Sara's who strangely enough has the same name as my bro! hahaha. They call him Turtle haha, anyway he's 2-3 years older than me i say 2-3 because my bro Aaron is 2 years olders than me and he's 19 and will be turning 20 in October and then i'll be 18 in December but anyway he just turned 20. He's sweet and last night well we really werent paying attention to Twilight.

He held my hand under the blanket we shared and i cannot begin to tell you how good that made me feel! I'm not even kidding, with my past guys they moved to far to fast! It skipped hand holding to them wanting something i told them wasnt gonna even happen so dont expect anything! So i'm not used to... hmmm a healthy relationship! he didnt ask me out but i mean we cuddled on the floor and throught the movie Jenny, and Sara and Angel would suddenly go 'Awww' and i'd look at the tv and Bella and Edward werent doing anything so i knew they had to be talking about us.

Apparently we made a heart on the floor by the way we were laying! Angel even asked me if i liked him and i said yeah and she asked if she could tell him, and i told her only if he liked me back. He said a bit and of course she gushed to him, he hugged me before he left and i went outside and kissed him on the cheek then said i should get back inside while i was searching for the door handle that seemed to had disappered!

I mean i really like him i do and he's sweet and i havent been held like that in goodness knows how long and it was just nice to feel like someone besides my friends acutually wanted me, not sexually but like wanted to bond ya know? With my other boyfriends it was like they wanted sex and after about a million no's they left! Thing is i've never had a healthy relationship with a guy besides friendship! And with one guy i ended up holding his hand not him reaching over and holding mine like Aaron did..... ok i might just use Turtle.... nah i'll use Aaron i'll say A-Ron for my bro k?

I'm not used to feeling really wanted by a guy! Ya know, it was nice and i got stuck in Sara's tree and if i had let go i would've fell on my back but he came up and held me so i let go and he didnt like immediatly just drop me to my feet he held me for a second or so and then after i looked away he let me go. I'm sure my face was really red and stayed red making that i liked him even more obvious. ok now i'm turning red i'm going to wrap this post up by saying.... PICKLE TREE! hahahaha didnt expect that did ya?

Random Writing part 5

Abel rammed Felix again this time hard enough that the big wolf lost his balance and fell next to Rune. "Cain, i can hear her! She's hurt!"

"Rune go get her you know where she's at!" Rune nodded and stood up. He got a running head start before leaping into the air and letting the breeze catch his wings.


Onyx followed the smell of burnt flesh and saw Sam, his brown hair up and his golden eyes open but not in terror he had accepted his death. He was tied to a stake, this wasn't because he was Seer everyone knew that it was because he had wanted to help Emilen. Onyx bowed his head to the ground for a moment in a silent show of respect and darted off toward the smell of smoke.


He saw the smoke first before the fire, he didn't need anyone to tell him what was going on because he knew. He ran up the steps to the cottage but was pulled down, he looked back to see people with worried expressions on their faces. Chains were in their hands as they lassoed him like a bull and pulled him back. 'Emilen.... I've failed you. I'm sorry.' He thought as he was dragged back so he could watch the burning.


Rune flew the forest he didn't have time on his side and he knew that. The forest thinned out and left him hanging in the air as the smell of death assaulted him. He flew past not knowing what was going on but the smell of fire kept him going and that was enough.

"Mother!" Emlien whimpered. She curled into a ball as the last of the exits caught fire, she was stuck in this house and she would burn along with it. She looked to the roof willing it to disappear so she might see the sky once more before she burned with the house. The roof broke in splinters and she saw wings descend and feet touch the ground, it was Rune.

To much smoke made her cough and sputter, "Rune?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm right here. Come on lets get you out, can you stand up?" He questioned. Emilen shook her head and Rune gently cradled her in his arms. He jumped up and let the wind take hold of his wings, he got them out of the house and close enough that Onyx would see he had Emlien but not so close the people would see. When he was able to settle down and set Emilen down without her falling they both saw something that would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Rune's hand snaked out and he covered Emilen's mouth as she let out a scream that quickly turned into a sob. Her mother lay broken on the ground dead, and Sam was tied to a stake and burned. All because of her and what she was. Rune wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her to him, as she tried hard to escape and run to her mother. "No Emilen! They'll see us and we'll get hurt!" Rune said as he tried to drag her away.

Emilen's hands went up and her nails bit into Rune's hands, he let go but not before slapping her. He didn't have time to register what happened because she was on the ground next to her mother, crying and holding the dead woman's hand. "Mom, mom!" She screamed her words coming out hysterical.

Rune looked around for something to knock Emilen out with before they got caught. He heard the voices and tried to drag Emilen away but nothing would get her away. "Leave me alone!" She screamed. "Let me die with her!" Rune didn't say anything more just bowed and walked off leaving the girl he once loved to face death alone.

She looked up and seeing the men she smiled at them, it was one of pain and insanity. "I want to die." She giggled having lost all control of herself and everything around her.

One of the men reached out to grab her when Onyx burst through the men and stepped in front of her followed by Abel and Felix. Cain was last his shoes were gone and he made his way to Emilen, he helped her up and led her away while the wolves guarded there backs. Somewhere along the way Emilen's vision began to swim and she heard faint voices in the background strangely one sounded like Abel.

The water was dark and murky as she placed one toe in, looking closer she saw why that was. This wasn't water... it was blood. She looked around and saw her mother and father and Sam all dead and broken because of her. Rune was there and when she tried to talk to him he only slapped her away and called her a beast. He had no wings, that was she supposed when she realized she was dreaming. She woke up and felt Abel beside her, "Abel!" She whimpered pulling his arm up and scooting close enough so she could bury her face in his chest.

"I'm right here." He whispered pulling her to him.

"Don't leave me!" She cried. "Please, Abel I'm sorry please don't leave me!" She continued to sob. "Don't leave me! Don't leave like mom and Sam and Rune! Please!" She continued to sob into his chest.

"Shhhh. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for as long as you need me." He whispered sitting up enough to turn the beside lamp on. He rocked her back and forth whispering comforting words to comfort her.

"He left me." She said finally as she looked up into Abel's eyes.

Abel thought he knew who she was talking about but decided to ask. "Who?"

"Rune." She whispered her finger tracing the bruise that began to show under his eye. "What happened?"

"Nothing, Onyx and i were just messing around." Abel lied. That seemed good enough and Emilen settled back into the comfort of Abel's arms. In truth he had caught up with the pathetic excuse for a angel and they had gotten into a fight. Abel left with a black eye and Rune... he left with hurt pride and a few broken bones. Though he could easily heal he knew he had damaged his pride because he had Emilen, and he actually cared for her.

"Is she sleeping?" Felix asked as he poked his head in the room. Abel nodded and Felix padded in, "What if she wants to forget? Will you let her?" Felix asked knowing that there was a strong chance Emilen might want to forget.

"Yes." Abel replied squeezing Emilen's sleeping form a little tighter as he said it. And he meant it, "I just have to believe that if i let her forget... she'll still be my Emilen and she'll still love me as i love her."

"What if she doesnt?" Felix quizzed knowing that once Emilen forgot the pain she would forget the wolves as well.

"Then i did what she wished. I want her to be happy." He said. Emilen whimpered and her grip tightened around Abel, she had heard but she knew deep down the first time she had forgotten it hadnt been all because of her dad... Rune never really loved her like she did him and that hurt. She just wanted to forget the pain, like now she wanted to forget the pain, but knew she couldnt forget it without forgetting Abel... and she couldnt live without Abel or Felix. Or her whole family for that matter, sleep finally came to both of them Able's arms were still wound around her and he held her all through the night. The nightmares would come and go but Abel would stay... right? She could only hope.

Random Writing prt. 4

Abel sat there with his forgotten soda, Cain across from him and Onyx with his ear to the door. The only ones allowed in the house were Felix and Phoenix had given up along time ago and went him to relax. "She hasn't forgotten about you." Cain laughed, Abel's cheeks turned a bright red and threw the soda halfway across the yard in his frustration. Emilen had wanted to talk to Rune herself, and alone but Abel had put up such a fight that Felix chewed him out and tugged a stunned Emilen inside.

"So you don't care that Abel killed your father?" Rune asked reaching out to hold one of Emilen's hands but stopped when he saw Felix stand up. Felix sat back on the stair step and continued to glare at Rune.

"I guess i did at one point but i mean when you really love someone you just don't care about what they did... i suppose it was for the best to i mean." Emilen said absently staring out the window.

"I know what you mean." Rune responded after a minute. "Emilen can i ask you something?" At her nod Rune continued, "Do you remember me? At all even a little?"

"Yeah i do now, I'm sorry i asked you to wipe my memory i just couldn't handle it. I loved you and you knew it was going to happen didn't you?" Rune nodded and Emilen stopped as a silent tear made its way down her cheek. "Why didn't you tell me?!" She cried.

"Sam told me the night before he had a vision! And he didn't want to upset you because he didn't think it was real! He'd been getting false visions for the past week and he didn't think anything of it! Emilen I'm sorry i should have told you but i didn't think it was real either! I didn't tell you because i love you!" Rune exclaimed.

Felix cracked his neck and then his knuckles as if waiting for Rune to say something else to make Emilen cry so he could pounce on him and rip his throat out. His eyes narrowed and the color washed from them leaving them a blood red. He shook his head and chided his spirit wolf. "Rune, i love..." She took a steadying breath to calm her and tried again, "I loved you," 'And still do.' Her mind whispered. "But i love Abel." She continued as if trying to reason with herself and not just Rune. "I have to go." With that she was up and out of the door, Felix stood up and smiled his best toothy smile before leaping out of his skin and into the wolf's skin and onto Rune.

"Felix!" Came a sharp and commanding call. "Don't!" It was Cain. Felix didn't listen, he hadn't listened to anyone but Emilen since she had arrived. Felix's sharp nails poked through his paws and swiped at the angel leaving a bloody mess as the angel fought back.

Rune jumped out from under Felix's paws and flew to the air where he had the advantage, or so he thought. Rune pulled out a sword and landed back on the ground, the sword glinted in the fluorescent light and as Felix charged him Rune dove outside so Cain's house wouldn't get hurt. Felix dove again nearly missing the angel's wings, he spun and kicked off from a tree and headed barling back to the angel.

Rune jumped up his wings opening and hovering before the breeze that came. Felix growled and charged again this time jumping and catching the angel once again with his enormous paws. Abel torn between going after Emilen and helping Felix stood there his eyes shifting back and forth from the pinned angel to the forest where Emilen had gone to. "Get Felix! I got Emilen!" Onyx shouted jumping over the huge wolf and landing as a wolf himself.

His clothes strapped to his leg Onyx headed down the forest looking and smelling for any signs of Emilen. He could smell fear and hatred that made a strong enough scent for him to follow.

Emilen ran through the village till she came to a small cottage, anger for the death of her father and anger that she had to forget who she was made her open the door. Sam sat in a chair his back to Emilen, Adalyn sat across from him at the table. "Emilen!" Adalyn said a smile lighting her face.

"Mother!" Emilen cried leaving her anger at the door as she ran to her mom. "Mother look! Look i have wings!" Emilen cried delighted that she could confide in her mother.

"Wings? But no... Sam told me you were a wolf... a werewolf." Adalyn replied standing up. "You are one of them!" Her mother shouted. "You are a beast!"

"Mother no... mom I'm not... please believe me! Mom!" Emilen cried.

Adalyn walked towards her daughter spouting curses, she slapped her on the cheek hard enough that she fell to the ground. "This village... this place was founded by wolves! We are there descendants! I knew i should have had Ryker kill Rune when he had the chance, the angels have been aganist us all this time taking sides with the demons! And you are one of them! You are from hell, you are a demon!" Her mother shouted.

"Adalyn calm down! She's not a demon!" Sam tried to explain but the door burst open. Hoping it was Abel, Emilen turned to see men. They held ropes and torches and screamed for her mother to get out. Adalyn ran out of the cottage as the men grabbed Sam and drug him out as well, they closed the door and set it on fire and all the other exits they could reach so Emilen couldnt get out.

"Mother! Mother no!" She cried tears streaming down her cheeks.

Onyx lifted his nose to the air and sniffed. He could smell fire and burnt flesh... 'Emilen!' With that thought clear in his head he ran as fast as his legs would carry him. 'I hope i'm not to late!'

Random Writing part 3

Phoenix slammed her fist against the wall, the pain eased through and Emilen flinched as the older girl slammed her laptop open. She jammed the power button on completely forgetting that as it warmed up and she was automatically signed in her web cam would sign on as well. "That.... that... idiot!" She screeched slamming her fist against the wall again. "One time i try and fight for myself and he decides to interfere!"

"He was just trying to keep you safe." Emilen whispered setting her stuff on the couch. She unzipped her bookbag and pulled out a leather bound book with jewels etched into it. Phoenix sighed and went to the kitchen and grabbed two sodas one for her and the other for Emilen who had realized how good sodas tasted.

Felix sighed as he twirled around in the black swivel chair, the forgotten ice cream lay to the left of his elbow the spoon still in his mouth. "Ey! 'hat the eck!" He said trying to keep the spoon from falling out. Phoenix's voice filtered out through the tiny speakers and Onyx craned his head around to see what was going on. Felix took the spoon out and threw it into the bowl the ice cream nearly missed tipping over the edge. "Hey... it's Phoenix!" He responded seeing the older girl walk across the screen and plopping herself next to Emilen's stuff.

"She can't see you..... cool! Hey be quiet i wanna know what girls talk about when we aren't there anyway!" Onyx said grabbing a chair and scooting it beside Felix's. Felix grabbed the spoon and bowl and went back to his neglected ice cream.

"You've been quiet all day... something wrong?" Phoenix asked, "Is it Abel?" She prompted when Emilen shook her head.

"Kinda. He knows something i don't and he won't tell me!"

"Like what... oh... yeah you mean about that. He was going to tell you!" Phoenix blurted.

"Yeah? When! When he killed the guy I'm supposedly engaged to?! Do you even know how old i am? Because unless we've somehow went back in time then I'm not even seventeen! I'm older!" Phoneix shrank back in her seat. "He's.... you... YOU PLANNED THIS BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO MEET ABEL ISN'T HE?!" Emilen screamed.

Emilen grabbed her bookbag and her book, storming out of the house she jumped into Phoneix's car. Phoenix got her keys and headed outside, she didn't agree with Abel's idea but she knew Emilen had as much right to meet the angel as Abel did.

When they arrived Emilen hopped out of the car mad as hell, "Abel!" She shouted. Instead of Abel she was met with another man. He was tall and lean, with muscles and sandy blond hair that was at least shoulder length. On his back were wings just like hers, she guessed this was the man that had come to see her. He reached out and touched her hand, she could see flashbacks of her and him holding hands, a nice picnic out in the sun, them kissing under a shady tree on a nice summer day, her lying on his chest as they watched the stars glitter in the sky.

"Rune!" Emilen shouted.

"Rune?!" Phoenix tried not to laugh but she had to admit that was a pretty funny name.

"My name means 'a secret' which in my case is very true." He laughed and hugged Emlien to him. "Its been a while my little Sapphire." Rune replied.

"Emilen!" Abel growled as he yanked the door open.

Emilen pulled out of Rune's grasp and skipped over to Abel she wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed his cheek. "This was my fiancee... before something happened." She said trying to remember but getting nothing. "Anyway his name is Rune and Rune this is my boyfriend Abel!" She finished happily unaware of the glares both men were sending to each other.

"Pleasure!" Rune said tightly.

"Same." Abel said with forced cheerfulness. An unconscious action Abel slowly pulled Emilen half behind him, Cain walked outside and feeling the tension in the air laughed.

"Rune! What a nice surprise i'd never thought i'd see you again. Abel i see you've met Emilen's ex-fiancee." Cain said going to shake Rune's hand.

Rune laughed and pulled Cain in for a one armed hug, "Haven't seen you since the death of Emilen's dad... when we helped her forget." His eyes tightened around the edges as he whispered the last part. Cain nodded he was sad for Rune, Rune was the one to help Emilen forget her past. He did it because he loved Emilen but he thought given the time when she could handle it she would come back to him, not fall for the killer himself.

"Come in, we have much to discuss." With that Cain led Rune inside Phoneix hot on his heels leaving the couple outside.

"Don't be mean to Rune... its been a while and i'm tired of not remembering. Abel... I want to remember. I need to remember or else i'll never know..." She left the sentence hanging.

"If you want him then go after him! Its obvious he wants you!" Abel said misunderstanding everything.

"I only want you Abel! I meant i need to know my past before i met you, i need to know who i was. I'll always love you and i'll never leave you... you know that... dont you?"

Abel touched her cheek and bent to lightly kiss her until Emilen's arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer. "Yes i know that! I just dont like him!" Abel laughed as he pulled back.

"Jealous?" Emilen asked.

"Very! Now lets get this over with!" He said reaching for Emilen's hand and tugging her inside. 'Of course i'm jealous! She was engaged to him for who knows how long! Abel thought as he opened the door and they slipped inside.

Random writing prt. 2

"You have to take care of her!" The fight had only been going on for about five minutes but it seemed to Abel they had been fighting for much longer.


"I can't! I keep telling you this! I killed her father, I told her and she shifted long enough to give me this!" Abel shook his shirt off and showed Cain the long scar that started from his neck and down to where his pant line was. Cain gripped Abel's shoulders harder than necessary but after a moment silently let go. He didn't need to touch Abel's hand or shoulder or anything to know how he felt when he could hear it in the way he talked.

Cain sighed the last of a thousand times and repeated his earlier words, "He chose you! Not me, not Sam, not Onyx, not Phoenix and not Felix! But you to take care of his daughter when he died!"

"Sam could probably do a better job." Abel muttered under his breath. The seer had been through everything and being only two hundred just added to the extra bonus. He could have had Emilen if he wanted her but instead he chose the job of taking care of her. Cain however knew that when the time was right Sam would let Emilen go and she would be with Abel, now he wasn't so sure anymore.


"What if she wants you?" Cain asked then pressed on before Abel could answer, "Would you say no?"


"I already did." Abel said, with that he turned his back and sulked off. Cain could feel the pain it had taken him to do that. He sighed and sat beside Phoenix who had her knees drawn up, and was just staring at the tv.


Emilen sat on the edge of the bed her legs swinging, Felix had one of her hands in his and both were just watching tv. Onyx came in then his eyes were sad but he brightened up when he found the pair together. Ever since Abel had rescued Emilen she and Felix were inseparable. "Hey guys what's goin on?"


"Nothing just watching some tv... how's Abel?" Emilen asked. Onyx flinched having heard everything in the kitchen. "He's fine." He lied.

Felix cocked his head and tensed, his grip on Emilen's hand getting harder. "Ow! Felix what's going on?"

Felix shook his head and got up and headed downstairs, he was pissed and he wanted Abel to answer a few questions. "Abel!" Felix shouted slamming the door behind him, Abel turned around his hands balled into fists. He tensed up looked at the ground saying nothing he continued walking. "Abel!" Felix caught up with him and spun him around before punching him in the face. "What's your problem?! Why are you walking out on her!"

"I'm doing her a favor!" Abel shouted back.

"By leaving her?" Felix growled.

"Do you really think she wants me? I killed her father!" He remebered the day she had hurt him, he vowed to never hurt her again. 'I'm such a hypocrite!' He thought anger boiling up inside him this time stronger.

Emilen stopped at the end of the stairs not sure if she wanted to go outside, something in her pressed on and she flew the rest of the way and outside. "She wants you Abel! Why can't you just tell her that you love her and get it over with! Stop hurting her! I can't help her like you can, your the one she wants and you know i dont like her that way! She needs you more than she needs me, and you promised her father you would take care of her... don't let him down." He whispered.

"Felix, I could have killed her. The only that stopped me was that i got to her father first! If her father saw her do you not think he'd try and kill her, the same with her mother! I'm going to her mother to tell her it was my fault!" Everyone knew it wasnt but if Adalyn removed Abel then the 'Curse' would be lifted and Emilen wouldnt be who she was... or so the legends said.

"Your going to kill yourself for her.... WHAT KIND OF IDIOT ARE YOU?!" Felix screamed punching Abel once again.

"Stop!" Emilen ran to Felix pulling his arm away before he could punch Abel a third time. "Just please stop." Felix stopped and looked at Emilen, he sighed and brought his fist to his side and stomped off across the yard and to his car.

"How much of that did you hear?" Abel questioned.

"Enough. You know i love you and i know you love me and if you dont want me then tell me! You shouldnt be the one to leave, i should because this is your family not mine!"

Abel didnt say anything he just stood there not sure what to say. Instead he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I can't leave you. Felix is right."

"About what?"

"About that i love you, i told your father i'd protect you and if anyone wants to come after you they'll have to go through me. Now if you'll excuse me i have to go find Felix and calm him down." With that being said Abel rushed off to his car and hopped in. He waved bye and headed down the street off to find Felix.

Random writing

She screamed in pain, her knees drawn to her stomach and one fist shoved in her mouth the other over her head as she tried hard not to scream. Her fist came out and she wrapped it around her other arm, she looked like she was weathering a bad storm... the problem was there wasn't a storm. She screamed again and her spirit wolf howled in pain, Phoenix stood there a moment before realization hit. "Felix!" She cried looking at the terrified seventeen year old beside her. His hair was plastered to his forehead were the sweat was beading, she knew she couldn't count on Felix now he was in his own personal hell.

He was taken back to the time when his father would beat his mother, he was angry at them both. Her for not running away like he tried to do, and his father because he hurt his mother. He knew the first time he ran away he couldn't just abandon his mother, so he came back and suffered with his mother... until the night his spirit wolf rose to protect him. He killed his father right then and there just by changing, his mother beside him also was not even touched except for the bruises his father had just put on her.

Felix's spirit wolf howled in time with Emilen's, the wolves both knew what was going to happen. In order for her change to be complete she would have to die so Emilen could live. The wolf howled in pain again as Emilen screamed in pure agony, there was a sickening crunch as her back broke and she rolled to her side and became limp.

Phoenix knew this was far from over, "Cain!" She cried.

Cain ran up the stairs, the blind mans eyes open but seeing nothing he reached down and touched the carpet with his fingers. He saw everything in his mind and Phoenix rushed to him, he grabbed her hands in his and he saw her expression and knew what was going on. "It's happening." She whispered.

Cain walked over to Emilen and nudged her with his foot, she didn't move so he got down on one knee and rolled her on her back. He looked up to the ceiling as if searching for someone before whispering, "I'm sorry Ryker." He pulled a dagger out of his pocket and with it drove it into Emilen's chest nearly nicking her heart. No blood poured out only a soft white mist came curling out of her body and into the air.

The mist formed itself into the shape of a wolf, Emilen's spirit wolf. She walked over to Felix and curled up beside him. She was massive for her size, she placed her head in his lap and let out a small howl, which Felix's wolf returned with a howl of his own. She touched her nose to Felix's spirit wolf that came from his chest and walked back over to Cain. "I'm so sorry Rain... you served Adalyn and Emilen both well." Rain inclined her head to Emilen and sat down ready. "We will take care of her..." He paused before correcting himself, "Abel will care for her." He brought the dagger down on the misty white wolf.

No one moved not even Felix as he came back watching everything that happened. The wolf lay down and in a quick flash sparkles were everywhere disappearing where they touched. The only thing left of Rain was the scar that Emilen bore on her wrist, it was of a pin sized wolf. Emilen's eyes didn't open and when they looked at her they saw what had sprouted from her back. Two white wings, "I'm sorry Ryker... I'm sorry Adalyn we couldn't prevent this. Please forgive me." Cain whispered the silent prayer.

With a motion as graceful as an athlete he got up and helped Phoenix and Felix up as well. He grabbed Felix by the elbow and helped him out of the room. Phoenix scooped up Emilen and placed her in her bed, she left the room but looked in one more time before she went in search of Onyx and Abel. 'If only Ryker were here... he'd know what to do.' The thought passed through Phoenix's mind and she regretted thinking it. Because she knew Ryker would never accept her, 'If you only knew what she's become... would kill your own daughter?' She knew the answer even as she thought it... of course he would.

I'm here but wont be for long!

Today i've been super anxious! i'm just ready to get up and run around the house a few times! I just dont feel like me and i hate that. I feel like i'm in love and yet everyone's pushing me down and i think maybe some of what there saying could be right... *sigh* i hate admitting that but everytime i wanna talk to someone, i cant get them or they wont say anything back *sigh again* ugh! i dont know i guess i'm not ready for school tomorrow and being anxious and having had 2 cups of coffee means i'll never be able to sleep.... *yawns* ok maybe i will then!

Ugh ok whatever i'm gone!

Everytime i hear it

It just makes a hollow ringing in my ear like i cant really believe it. I've been questioning my friendship with just about everyone i hold close and with everyone that's swore to stick with me. Confidence.... yeah what a concept that i could on for ages.... i dont have much, never did have much and probably will die with once again not much of it! It just seems that when you hear it and know something will die, you start to reflect on your own life and that's usually when i just leave the universe for some time, my mind welcomes me back with open arms so i can just deal with it.

I hate death, and i wish i wasnt so afraid because it seems like everyone i know and talk to isnt afraid to go. They die peacefully, i'll be the one breaking that trend! I'll fight for my last breath because i'm so terrified of death! It seems like everything... everyone revolves around it we know its going to happen but we just dont know when. This week will be one of an emotional high and low so if one minute i'm super pissed and the next i'm depressed think nothing of it. Its just next week wont be one i'd like to remember. And right now i just wanna get this off my chest and this is really to no one its just something i wanted to say.

I love you and i always will love you remember that! And i'm sorry things didnt happen like i wish they would have, but know that i still love you with every last bit of my beating heart.

Its just not fair!

And i'm not talking about Saturday school which isnt fair either! But... its just sooo not fair! I dont know what to do and i dont really wanna talk about it, but i do! I just dont know any more i just want someone... anyone to understand! Because i just can't wrap my mind around this! Give me a day or so and i'll forget, my mind does great at forgetting things i'd consider trumatizing or just really painful but decides to bring them up later. Not really the point but i just want someone to just understand without knowing. i just want them to understand and stop feeding me the its going to be ok crap! because ya know what?! Its not! Its not going to be ok, drop the sugary sweet words and just give it to me! dont pretty it up and make it sound good because nothing anyone says will make it go away or make it any better!!!!! Its just not fair!!!!!!!!!!

NO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!

SCHOOLS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok well for tomorrow anyway they called us while me, my mom, and aunt were on a rescuse mission for Aaron my bro! He helped a girl in a mustang get out of a ditch and then he got stuck, so he was out in the snow for 2 hrs. and then we got down the road to get him and he had to push the car to help get us home and then i got in but mom and Aaron couldnt so they had to walk but luckily this nice couple who was goin to Bi-lo to rescue their son stopped and dropped 'em off on our road. So tonight our aunt is stayin with us haha its like a sleep over i'll try to get some pics in the mornin ok i'm off to snuggle with my Webkinz Alice and Jasper and try to find some hot cider bye!

Fights

It always starts off the same way... usually with my mom wanting me to fix my hair and me just wanting to go! Then she hooks the curling iron up knowing full well i refuse to touch it and curls it for me! Even when i was going to Sara's as soon as we left from Jenny's to Sara's my hair was already starting to uncurl! By the end of the night you couldnt even tell it was curled! She always tells me i wont get a boyfriend if i dont fix myself up! Well if i a guy doesnt like me because my hair's not fixed forte him!!!!!! I mean seriously when i get married my husband will wake up to my hair all over my head, maybe a couple bruises because i sleep so rough and probably not enough sleep because i snore so loud! I doubt my hair will be the least of his worry!

if we're goin out on a date heck ya i'm dressin up! but like if we're goin to my house forte that, Katie came over and she was wearin Aaron's pj pants and a shirt and Aaron was wearin a pair of sweat pants and a shirt! Ok yeah but they do get a little dressed up when they go out. but if a guy only likes me because i dress up then he aint the guy for me!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry i said it,
I wish i hadn't,
I wish i could take it all back.

I know your not comfertable,
I know its weird,
But i swear to you i'm not diseased.

I'm having battles with myself,
I'm trying to hold on,
But i wish you would understand me.

I feel like i'm falling,
My hands are reaching,
But i'm grabbing nothing... seeing nothing.

I wish you were here,
I wish we could talk,
I wish you wouldnt ignore this.

I wish, i wish upon a star,
But what would wishing upon a star get me,
What would wishing period get me?

I'm sorry i'm like this,
I'm scared and afraid,
But please dont let me go.

Please dont look at me different,
Please just hear me out,
In this curcial time... i need you the most!

Maybe its nothing,
Maybe its just a scare,
But what if it isnt would you still be there?

I think....

i think that if Jenny, Sara, Angel, or Raven were to ever look at me differently or treat me differently i wouldnt be who i am. I think i'd lose myself along the way and i think that i wouldnt be able to hold my head up high. Jenny i'll be on webkinz tonight as long as i can and i'll try to sign onto yahoo later on to... i just need someone to talk to right now.

You know your a redneck when....

The only hang out is Wal mart.

You play hide and go seek in Wal mart.

You record it!!!!!!!!

That's what we did and we babysat Nikki's 7 yr. old neighbor and i hated it! I thought i was going to shoot myself! I'm sorry but she was sooo loud! We got yelled at cause of her! Ok seriously, i just dont want to have a 7 yr. old following us around! we acutally lost them about a good 7 times and each time was better than the last ok well i'm off for now good bye!

Good day!

Its been amazing! Yesterday Sara and Jenny spent the night with me and we had the best time! They showed me how to work Webkinz which i know offically own 2! My mom had a pink poodle one and i named her Alice and i bought my very own today and i named him Jasper i just have to get him set up! ^^ we went to the mall and if you've never done this you should! With friends play hide and go seek! I'm serious it was the best! You stay in a store for 3 mins and you can't leave until a.) 3 mins are up or b.) they come in your store! And you can't go to Home which for us was Hot topic until a.) there 3 1min calls are up, or b.) they see you or c.) they come in your store!

Lets see i just got home and tomorrow before Nikki leaves we're going to visit her which means i need to start on her present!!!!! Ok well i'm off! good bye!

Say it only once!

i'm in a pissy mood today and a lot of crap has just been going on. Such as people just being stupid also Jenny remember to bring your camera again and i'll make sure to bring mine k? ok well this isnt much of a post but ima go write some catch ya'll later!

Well...

i got a new ipod... ok mp3! theres a pic of it! aint it sooo cool? Its 4gb i'm tired now off to bed with me bye!

Its like this....

My ipod as i found out wont charge and probably because the case i used for it is magnitized, and so is the inside as Josh used my bracelet to figure out! anyway, my ipod seriously gets me so pissed off i cry! But i think its just the fact that if you add onto the stress i've got now, plus adding one more tiny thing just sends me off the brink of sanity into the pool of insanity! This is something i wrote a day or two ago!


The waters cold... cold and well... just cold... oh yeah and murky to. I guess that's how i'd describe what's really going on deep down. Just a bunch of crap and friends behind you making chicken noises in the background to get you to just dive in! But then there could be snakes, water snakes and bugs and well what if you drown? What if you forgot how to swim?!


Hmm seems like everyone but me is ready to dive into the water, in its unknown depths... but sometimes i think there's something waiting for me, just waiting for me to jump in so it can pounce on me and then something bad'll happen like usual! Or maybe i'm over reacting and the murky relfection of me isnt wearing that goofy grin that's just plastered there on her face, waiting for someone to rescue her!


Maybe the water's fine... and maybe we all every once and a while have to jump in and see what's really hidden beneath the nasty surface, there could be something good down there right? Maybe and maybe not so why not just jump on in.... i mean everyone says the waters fine right? They wouldnt lie to me would they?


(now to add more to it) People lie all the time! So the water could be alligator infested and they would probably lie to me just to get me in! And then the alligators would eat me and then i'd probably die! Can't it be enough that i'm standing here at the edge my toes barely touching the water? I mean why should i jump in? Change sucks.... so maybe the water represents change? I dont know but it seems like if i jump in then i'll drown... and no one will save me from the cold depths!


But it couldnt be that bad right? It shouldnt matter should it? I should be able to do what i want and not be pressured into taking a dive into the water... but as everyone says its fine... i mean how could it not be? I guess i'll take the dive... what could it hurt anyway?

Song... i think?

What i want is for you to love me
What i need is for you to tell me the truth
Stop ripping my wings apart and let me fly!

The moon may shine and the sun may glow
But from the dark comes you
With pain you held high and love you smothered.

To early was i placed into a world i didnt know,
Where people shoved and kicked
Played mind games to destroy what was left of my insanity!

The moon may shine and the sun may glow
But from the dark come you
With pain you held high and love you smothered.


I'm not sure what it is... a small poem? Or a song.... you decide!

Does it even matter?!

One way or another i'm just going to screw something up!!!!!!! Today's agenda, how about ME SCREWING EVERYTHING UP LIKE ALWAYS!!!!!!!! I'm tired of it, tired of being the one who just screws it up! What does it matter anyway! My mom keeps saying i have to love myself for someone else to love me but i just... i can't love myself! When i look in the mirror i'm pointing out what's wrong with me! Or if i'm not doing that i'm beating myself up!

On a daily basis! Maybe that's why i'm so tired all the time? Or just so depressed because i'm always beating myself up! I dont know if it comes with just being a teenage girl or what sorry guys but i dont see many of you beating yourselves up and endulging in chocolate to make your problems go away... well to try and make them go away shall i say! Seems like everyday i always do something to screw someone over!

I sleep fine but i wake up tired and ill like always but Aaron's girlfriend Katie does the same thing as me so i'm assuming its age and the fact that all girls go through this? Now for those of you with some smart A comments here's to you! I know people have it worse than me! I know that, i know i may be throwing a pity party but you know what you can do with your comment?! SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT BECUASE I AINT LISTENING I'M HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY AND IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH ME GO AHEAD!!!!!!!! I DARE YA!!!!!!!!!! I'm pissed, i'm tired and if anyone messes with Jenny again i swear i'll take my water bottle and shove it so far up there butt it'll have to be surgically removed from their nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dont mess with her, if you do you mess with me! Remember that!!!!!!!!

Today sucks! I've been embarrassed and i'm ready to punch my ipod becuase its not charging and the fact that... ahhhhhhhhhhh why would you care anyway! Who even cares what does it matter, its just another day! It'll pass right?! Whatever! Who cares anway?!

I think....

I think its hard liking someone and being so afraid that if they said something to about changing how you looked you would do it. I think if i were ever put into that situation i would do just that change myself so he would like me better not just guys but anybody! My friends especially! I think its really sad that i've just now come to that conclusion! And the fact that i care so much about what people think i would change who i am just to make them happy! I think its sad and i dont know why that is.

I guess well i think because when i was in middle school, well more elementary to... about... hmm from 4th- 8th grade! 4 years i had no one but me and the occasional friends that moved, that were like me outcasts and i guess i've changed some appearance wise, when i was little i was pudgy i got taller so some of my pudginess has settled around my thighs so i'm more even! which is good but people loved teasing me! So i was willing to do anything to make them happy! I didnt have the best clothes like they did ya know but hey with a single mom its hard! Ok and 2 kids! Yeah dont make it any better!

Now i'm not dissing my dad in anyway but sometimes when i think about it he really didnt wanna help that much. And Aaron's tryin to see him... he's tryin to see him as he is now! Not who he was back when they were married! I dont know why i'm even bringing this up its sorta stupid but its true all the same and right now papers a couple feet from me and i guess i like having the comments because they remind me i'm not alone, and that i have friends who care about me. Yeah i know i'm gettin mushy on you guys i'm sorry but ya'll've helped me through a lot whether you know it or not!

Anyway i'm just sayin that if i did start to change because someone wants me to like in a bad way i want ya'll to slap me as hard as you can! Ronnie, Blade i mean you guys to! Ya'll are my friends to, but seriously i dont wanna change who i am but sometimes i'm afraid i'll slip up and show people the vunerable me! Today at church i almost slipped up about my arm and i had to make a quick fix but i dont think... i think he might've saw through me just a tiny bit. I was going to reveal something so... well so bad like that to him even though he showed me! I mean yeah we grew up in the same church together but... i'm not in any way ready to show any people!

Ok so anyway i'm just going from one high to another arent i? I just need to release some steam so sorry!