I dont know!

I feel so confused, scared and just worried! I'm getting ahead of myself let me start by saying this week has not been good! I'm just tired and i'm depressed and i dont really want to talk about it but then again i want nothing more than to vent and rant and yell and scream! Of course i do rant and yell and scream but sometimes that doesnt help. Sometimes i feel better keeping it in, placing a smile on my face and shoving it into the depths of my mind. I'm happier with friends most people know this, alone i feel sometimes like a train wreck.

I feel very lonely right now, like no one in the world understands me. Sometimes i can sit for a while and just stare blankly at nothing. I get so caught up in that one thing i lose track of time and i have nothing to worry about. Just staring blankly at work doing dishes was enough to make me forget about everything but what i was doing at that point and time! Sometimes i just want to scream and rave and rant but that's not really going to help anything it just gets out in the open and makes it the topic of discussion at the time!

Not something i really want either. I feel like i'm slowly losing my mind, just one day at a time i'm slowly forgetting.... and slowly i'm forgetting what i was going to say. I feel like theres this giant hole in my heart that needs to be plugged so no more.... well so nothing can seep out so no one can see and know what i really feel.

I feel awful and just plain worn out, i can sleep for hours on end and still wake up tired! There are some days when i'm truly happy and other days i'm just forcing the smile, see a pattern? I do, its not a good one i'll admit but its the one i've been traveling and the one i'm not ready to give up. The one that's worn with my feet trecking over it time and time again yet i still dont want to give it up because if i do i'll be forced down a new path, one i have yet to travel.

Sometimes i feel like i'm stepping into my own depth of fears, there like waves coming in and playing around the edges of your feet. The ocean is so clear from a far distance and you can see everything in it, but once you've stepped in only then do you realize how dark and murky it is and how far you really are. Its then i realize all the things i've forced back into the depth of my mind have found there way to the surface and are ready to come spewing out.

So biting my tounge i say nothing else. I'm so confused right now it just seems there is one person who can make it all better, who can just listen and let me talk. But even then sometimes i dont want to tell them, i dont want them to think of me as weird, or horrible, or whiny but then again would it ever matter?

Sometimes i wonder if it would matter to anyone else besides my friends if i slowly stopped talking and just shut everyone one out and became the person i most fear.