Somethings are working...

Haruhi is starting to want to work again, now if only her screen would behave its like looking at it in negative. Anyway i've been waiting for a certain someone to ask something, and dropping hints isnt my specialty! My mind has been racing for the past couple days and i blame hormones for making me so darn crazy! I cant stop thinking about this one thing it just nags my mind and brings a smile to my face and i'm happy but then something else in the depths of my mind nags and i'm sad for even thinking it!

Most of you know the story of someone i really cared for passed away. I'm so terrified of letting the memory of him slip away i've shut everyone out and forgotten how fun dating is! I really like this guy and i finally got the courage and just told him then logged off yeah i know its soooo corny but with Jenny on the other line i was able to do it. I was so nervous i thought i was going to cry and that's never happened before! But anyway i've been terrified of letting the memory go and its become sort of a crutch i use to get people to stray away from me.

I lean heavily on it and i'm afraid to walk without it. I miss him dearly and i know i do at some point have to move on but it feels like no one in the world understands! They keep trying to help me and it just feels like i dont want to help myself. Sometimes i feel like i want to wallow in the misery, i keep searching for a way out and when someone provides the answer i run away scared tail tucked between my legs. This crutch is something i feel like i cant let go of.

My friends have all told me before, "Maybe he is watching over you. He would want you to be happy." And as much as i know that to more than likely be true i still find myself slipping back slowly towards the doubt. Over analyzing is what i do to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. I'm sure i've pretty much annoyed all my friends but they've managed to stick by me and helped me get out what i'm trying to get out.

Jenny and Sara have seen me at my lowest points, Sara and i even drowned ourselves in chocolate one time. Jenny's listened and always provided a shoulder as has Sara and she's quick with the advice, fluent in what she's talking about and i'm starting to follow some of it. I've started a journal where in my code i write letters i havent done it very often because everything i've wanted to scream i've done it in my head. Sometimes i feel so crazy for doing it but then i feel a little better each time i do.

This week has been a tough one, last week was to but i'm glad to be able to have reassurance that i know someone is watching over me. Even if i do screw up, its ok because that's what life is isnt it? Messing up, fixing it, loving others, just being who we are. Not sure where that last line came from something my mind is known to conjure up. So i'm done for now.