pictures galore!

Ok so now i'm going to upload the pics of my loot that i've been meaning to share with you guys! Ok so this one is at my Aunt's 50th b-day party and the theme was menopause! i just thought that was funny ok here's some more!

this shirt i picked out at Khols and got it for my b-day from my Aunt Kathy

got this at Khols to same thing as before haha! Got this at Hot Topic cute aint it?this is a closer pic of the front of the shirtthis is a closer pic of the back of it

these boots mamma got me at Shoe Show

Ok the cross earrings i got at Claries and the ring and other earrings i got for my b-day from Aunt Kathyok first one is a close up of my tie necklace (Claries) and the cross and bracelet are from Hot Topic got this book today! Jenny got this for me for Christmas! ^^ its a dog calandar arent the puppies sooo cute? and a journal which i use to record my poems and soon to be my very first song hehe! and i'll post the glovelets later, one pair i have to tie around my wrist and its late and i dont feel like doing that so enjoy the pics hope you did peace out!

Hot Topic

i went there today! I was sooo excited! i got 2 new books at Barnes and Noble, Charmed and Betrayed a new series (about vampires yes!) that i'm starting and i ordered another book that i needed (yes about vampires) Kiss of Crimson that's in a series i'm trying to read! Sooo then we went to the Olive Garden to eat to celebrate my b-day and let me tell you this everytime we're supposed to go out and celebrate it i get sick! So we did it today and i'm still a little sick but not like i'm in bed with about 4 thick sheets covering me sick!

But finally momma Lisa showed up and she was supposed to come with us to the mall but Zion her daughter wanted her to come get her and take her home. So she left and we went to Hot Topic i got 2 things! a shirt that was 36 and glovelets that were 10! And most people know that Hot Topic isn't the cheapest place but i owe my mom 9 dollars so you do the math! But Aaron called me! He got me (from ebay! his most precious sight ever hehe) a touch screen Mp4 8gb for 47 dollars! (I owe him once again) but how amazing is he?! He found another for 16gb and he's getting it for himself and giving me the 8!!!!!! He's the best brother in the whole wide world i tells ya!!!!

So anyway that's about it and i will post pics whenever i can find the time to do just that and to let ya'll know how pathetic i am i'll tell ya this! Momma Lisa got a Twilight gift card and i have it in my room right now! Yeah no money or anything on it but i'm keepin it! ahaha bye ya'll!

Drabbles prt. 18: Friends, Life, Crushes!

Its all so confusing dont ya think? I mean seriously! Come on now one minute every things ok and the next your friends balling because some *insert word* head is messin with her emotions! Ugh pisses me off! Ok well lets see..... yeah i just about covered it all! ahaha.... ok i see Rosie now where's Ace? If you'll excuse me.... nope i hear him! Ok he's alive!! And i can't see.... i'm gone to go get my glasses peace out!

Drabbles part 18 is off figuring out the mysteries of life!

Drabbles prt. 17: Song Writing

Is sooo hard i'm serious i'm not done with my song yet but i need some help! Jenny mind helping me? Ronnie? Ok well i'm not sure about you Ronnie you'd laugh! but help would be nice volunteer if you wanna help *puppy dog eyes* i'll give you something for your troubles when we return to school if you dooooo!

Drabbles part 17 is recruiting song volunteers!

It hit me!

This just sorta hit me so lets see where it goes shall we?

His boot collided with her stomach and she flipped back, landing on her back hard. She groaned and rolled to her side trying to see past the white hot pain behind her lids. He laughed ruthless as always, she wanted this fight she was going to get it. As he told her before he would show no mercy and she knew what she was getting herself into, she chose this and he wasn't done by no means. He kicked her again this time harder than the first sending her sprawling to the hard earth again.

The breath whoosed out of her lungs and she wished she had never asked for this fight... but knew this would make her stronger in the end. His tripp pants dragged aganist the snow the pain and hurt he'd felt for the past years was slowly leaking into body instead of hovering around him as it always had. The cool night air blew his hair away from his face and he kicked her again this time harder than the last, always harder than the last. "Stop..." She whispered her breath coming out in spurts as she struggled to draw every ragged breath in she could.

"You wanted to fight! So get up and fight!" He commanded hands balled into fists. She slowly staggered up; his fist collided with the lower part of her jaw. She flew back skidding down a hill straight into the cold murky water. Legs numb she tried to push off of the water's floor but couldn't.

The anger was slowly dissolving as he watched from the inside of his mind what he was doing to this girl... to this innocent girl who needed no not needed who wanted his help! He dove into the cold water and dragged her up to the hill, the snow melted where her chest touched and he pounded her back trying as hard as he could to get the water out. She coughed and sputtered until water shot from her mouth making her cough and gag.

"Welcome back." He said drawing his knees up and watching her try to stand up.

"Welcom back my a... butt! Da... Dang it! Why'd you save me?" She questioned.

"I really don't care what language you use, honestly I don't. All I care about is that your still alive so we can finish what we started." He cracked his knuckles.

"Maybe another time I'm tired... and I have to get home."

"Home? You call that place home? Yeah I'd call a place where a coven tries to kill me on a daily basis home to!" He shouted.

"It's not what you think! It's just... May would never do that neither would Abel! It's mostly Benjamin that does it anyway, he's just trying to help me... by the way I'm Luna." Luna said all anger smuged from her features now.

"I'm Caden. Yeah it pretty much is what I think, so thanks for confirming that for me." Caden shrugged and got up, "But its none of my business, you came to me for help so I'm giving it to you." He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked away.

Luna got up and staggered forward, "So why are you really helping me?" She asked her eyes questioning.

"Because I'm hoping you'll get out of that coven. The better off you are without them the better you'll be. Now if you'll excuse me my pack awaits!" Caden smiled and kicked his boots off, gathered them in his hands and was off the snow dissolving where his feet touched.

"Luna!" The shout startled her into realization, she turned to see Benjamin come up hands on the hilt of his sword. He striked her across the cheek with his hand and snarled, "Where the hell have you been?" He didn't give her a chance before he kicked her in the spot Caden had.

Luna doubled over and shook her head. Should she reveal Caden's pack she would be dead! Luna kept her mouth shut the white hot pain seering through her closed lids. "Benjamin! Benjamin stop! May get him!" It was Abel, May grabbed Benjamin as Abel lifted Luna up into his arms.

"Where were you?" Benjamin shouted snarling fangs exposed.

His words were like acid being poured into an open festering wound. "Bite me." Luna said a small smile playing at the edge of her lips. Benjamin snarled and fought his brothers mate to get to Luna.

"You bi-"

"Enough!" May shouted before he could even finish his sentence. "Don't you call her that! Leave her alone!"

Luna jumped from Abel's arms onto the ground, "As of now I remove myself from this coven." Without a backward glance Luna walked the snowy path her gaze drifting to the road every now and then making sure she was on the right track.

She saw him before he saw her, when he did spot her he knew why she'd come. "Looking for a place to sleep no?"

"Yeah." Luna said tiredly.

"Come inside." Caden bowed down and sweeped a baseball cap he didn't have on earlier off his head and let Luna inside.

Update!

Ok i'm feeling better thanks for the comments guys made my day! Well some did others *shifty eyes to Ronnie* anyway! This New Year's i should hopefully be at a party! yay! New Year's party not sure yet but what are you guys doing for New Year's just curious!

Being sick...

Sucks!!!!! I'm sick right now and i've had the minor cold chills and i slept in from 3-6 and i was half awake when mom told me she was going to walmart... oh this'll make you laugh! At 2:58 Rachel text me! i had my phone off cause i didnt wanna answer any texts cause i was tired! So i looked at it around 7:51... she locked herself in her room! The door handle broke... wait i'll just get my phone and type what she wrote! "Call my house and tell my mom that my door knob is hung and i can't get out of my room." so it text her and asked her if she got out she said,"Yes i pulled the door off the hinges."

If you know Rachel (Raven) then you know she's pretty strong and this sounds like something she would do! Now i'm feeling better and its 12:30 right now... sooo yeah... ok i'm off to go do something peace out!

Bored... bored.... oh yes i'm bored!

I have nothing to do and i'd rather not start an episode of Scrapped Princess because chances are Aaron will return when i'm halfway done! Soooo i'm sitting in a spiny chair with nothing to do debating whether to go play Paper Mario for a while or just sit here and type useless stuff because i'm to lazy to really move! Hmmm i'm in a predicament, plus one of my fav songs is on and i really dont feel like moving because of it.... ok well now that i've bored you to tears or sleep i'm going to go play video games and sing my little heart out! woooooohoooo! whose with me?! *is gone to go play games and sing her heart out!* Peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Early Christmas at church

Every year at church around this time we have a dinner and exchange gifts. This year my friend Melissa got me a wolf fleece blanket for my b-day! It's sooo soft and warm and amazing! i love wolves! and its sooo beautiful to! and i gots more fuzzy socks wooohooo! they feel so good on my feet. Right now i'm sorta kinda not really waiting for Aaron to get home, him and James went off to Hickory today to shop. Tomorrow i'm going to Christian Ministries and help pack boxes, with jokers Robert and Edgar! and Steve might be joining us! Then later we're going out to eat for my b-day since everyone's off and then... we're going... dare i say it? SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love shopping! and hopefully i'll get Aaron's and Dad's gift tomorrow night also! which reminds me i need a pic of my blankie to show you guys! *goes off to hunt for a working camera* There's a pic of Aaron also not a recent one but he's growing his hair out so he looks kinda like this! and up there is a pic of my blankie thanks to mom for taking the pic for me! Ok so... yesterday my aunt Kathy had a surprise party for her b-day which is on Christmas day! the theme was hot flashes! Yes you can sorta guess her age but it was sooo much fun and funny to! ok well i'm off, i might blog later! bye!

When will people learn?

When will people see,
What your doing to me,
How you treat people from one day to the next,
When it all comes crashing down I won't be there.

I have my own life to live,
And I'm tired of this crap,
Why do you need him,
I thought there was more to you than that!

You said a lot that made sense,
Now what your doing it doesn't,
It makes me want to scream or maybe want to cry,
I told you I'd be there you know that I'll try.

I can't be there forever,
I know that it can't possibly be true,
But when will you figure out,
He's not the one for you?

I'm tired of telling you,
I'm tired of the things he does,
But until you finally learn,
I'll just keep on telling you what I've said before.

I hate when he makes you cry,
When I'm the one picking the pieces up,
Your my best friend and you know it,
But I can't keep doing this I think it's time you learn to fly.

So spread your wings and jump,
It may be a little hard at first,
But as they say time heals all wounds,
And your wounds have just begun to heal.

I can't always be there for you,
So I leave you with this note,
You'll be my best friend till the end of time,
But I can't tell you what you already know.

You may think this is some kind of joke,
And maybe it is,
But until all this is settled,
I'm out and I'm through.

You'll think me for this one day,
Maybe not even ever,
But for once I have to think of me,
And that's just how it is.

I've been to giving and to kind,
It's time I spread my own wings and fly,
I'm tired of this nest,
It has nothing left to offer.

So I'll see you on the other side,
Just remember when you get there,
I did this for your own good,
And I had to spread my wings and fly... I had to think of me.

It's just been...

One of those days! Where everything starts off good but then in 3rd period ends up getting worse because you bang your head aganist the chair trying to get your stuff! Yes smart me, i know i haven't been on here in a while and posted but i have nothing, honestly and still dont, to say! So i'm just randomly typing crap so you'll have something to read. I've been off in my own little world a lot so i'm not sure what's really going on in life so yeah.

I tried writing a little bit of Stray... i dont think i'll be posting that anymore... i just don't wanna deal with the hassle of it all and besides its not really that good, its ok but whatever. I'm thinking about just giving up because i feel like all my characters do is talk! and then i dont explain things that well and its just one big mess! I might continue writing it but do something else in my spare time! Also i have a project for History i have to do and let Mr. Mowry see sometime before 2nd semester starts!

Today we watched Of Mice and Men, we read the book and the movie was pretty good and funny even though i guess its supposed to be sad! Dominik blinked when Lennie was shot and he asked Mrs. Payseur to rewind it so he could see it again! its a great book... *sigh* i have yet to finish Christmas shopping! i have to order Aaron's gift and dad's and i'm done but still i just... well i'm not in the spirit! I feel like this year to me it'll just be another day and i hate to be like that but i'm so stressed and i wont be happy till i get Aaron's gift and dad's because i feel bad that i already have moms and my aunts and not theres to!

I mean dad keeps saying he dont want anything but still i want to get him something dang it! I have no new material to read, my bookshelf is full of books that are well sorta childish to me and that i know i'm not going to read anytime soon and besides Twilight, and Midnight Rising and Because I'm the Vampire that's why, and maybe like 2 more or so i dont have anything! Ugh its soooo annoying! I just need something to read and i'm kinda mad cause i dont have anything so grrr! Ok well apparently i do have something to talk about and oh my gosh!!!!!! Wal Mart was out today, well the power the whole strip mall's power went out! Apparently some idiot ran into a power thing and it knocked all the power off!

Be careful when you drive! dont act like idiots! I dont care if your phone rings DONT PICK IT UP UNTIL YOUR STOPPED!!!!!!!!!! Morons well i'm off to go eat supper peace out!

Drabbles prt. 14: 17

i'll be 17 tomorrow i'm soooo excited! more posting stuff later! bye!

Drabbles prt. 13: The Allen and Craig show

Right now is my new favorite thing to watch on Youtube! its really funny the guys who did Twilight, Dark Knight spoof and Fuzz are the ones who make it! its really quiet entertaining and if your bored with nothing else better to do its really funny! i think it is anyway, but then again i have a weird sense of humor so i find just about anything funny! even if its stupid i'll find some comedy in it somewhere! So Ronnie and Blade back off! haha! mostly Ronnie because he's corrupted Blade into not liking Twilight! oh well anyway i'm off to go watch it, bye for now!!!!!!!

Drabbles part 13 is off singing we're buds!

Drabbles Prt. 12: Videos

I have some new videos up on here toward the bottom, Twilight Spoof, Dark Knight Spoof, Fuzz (if you like the Mario Bros. you'll get a kick out of this!) and Garbage Man Flirting! Watch and enjoy!

Drabbles part 12 is off playing Mario Party 6!

Stray exert

"No!" I shouted, Rory stopped and fell to his knees. He began to cough violently, so violent he coughed up blood. I reached my hand out but that was all I could do. Rory grabbed at his throat and Bonnie was in front of him crying and prying his hands off his throat.

"Rory! Rory what's wrong?!" She cried tears streaming down. I could only watch in horror as this scene before us unfolded. "Rory!" Bonnie continued to cry. Calling him wasn't going to make him speak, nothing was. So what could I say to ease her pain? But I knew the answer before I thought the question; nothing, I could do nothing but watch. Rory finally stopped and fell, Bonnie caught him before he fell in his own pool of blood.

"I'm... ok." He said between spasms.

What was going on? Why was this happening?! And Felix what about him, he wouldn't tell anyone would he? If he did... I didn't think he would but how would I face him? I couldn't tell him what was going on, he knew and if he for one second was alone with me one of us wouldn't come back. But Felix was the least of my worries, I had to deal with the fact that I was going to tell a total stranger I killed my sister then turn right around and tell Caleb?! Possibly Bonnie her best friend, I would have three people who hated me, how lucky was I?

Rory seemed ok just exhausted. He sat on the floor and wiped the blood off his lips he looked like a small child, eyes round, lower lip trembling and his whole body shook. He kept muttering to himself, something about he'd learned his lesson. I didn't know what to do, I guess I could act like Bonnie but I couldn't do that.

My mind scurried back to happier and safer times. Back to when Vivian was alive, when it was just me and her and no one else. Before I... we... knew that I would kill her! Before any of this crap even started, I could think of happier times but even though I wanted to think of all this I couldn't. My scars... my wounds weren't healed and pouring salt on them would burn and I wasn't ready. I couldn't go back, I wouldn't think about that!

I guess you could say I was a hermit and in a lot of ways I was. But that didn't stop me from wanting to claw at my minds eye, and if I could do so I would! Caleb's arms tightened around me and this time I didn't protest when he brought me into the circle of his arms, instead I welcomed it. Forget the fact that we'd known each other about a week, Vivian had known him a while and for her to keep in touch with him said a lot. But did that mean I had to befriend him as she had? I didn't think these feelings I felt for him were all that friendly. A deep longing a yearning to just be with him, to just be near him! I pushed those thoughts away and concentrated on the warmth that raidiated from him.

His skin was silky smooth, his to big hands covered mine in a strange gentleness. How could he know I was hurting? How could he know what kind of pain and turmoil I was wallowing in, all the self-confindece and pride stripped away till I was an empty shell.

I had never told anyone yet, this guy I hardley knew was helping me cope and I had never spoke a word! A sob was caught in my throat and I choked it back, passing it off as a cough. "May I talk to Annabelle alone?" Rory rasped. Caleb looked at me and I nodded, Bonnie was up and waited at the door for Caleb, she'd probably already heard what he was going to say. The door softly closed and Rory turned back to me. "Bell I don't know what to say really. Your secret is a burden to us all..." He said it bluntly. "I would suggest you go see a Seer but I'm afraid the same thing will happen. Vivian once told me that you should go to your parents grave." He said.

Drabbles prt. 11: 104!

How is that possible! While i'm scraping tooth and nail to get at least a C in Physical Science Ronnie comes bounding up with a 104!!!!! How is that even possible?! That's sooo not fair! Ok i'll admit it i dont study for tests i never have and i sometimes forget my homework but honestly come on! I fail the tests all the time and i do the corrections and yet i'm stuck with at least a C while he's prancing around with a stupid 104! Grrr

Drabbles part 11 is punching some serious walls!!!!!!!

Drabbles Prt. 10: Scrapped Princess

Is my new anime that i shall be watching and so far its really funny! and i love it!!!!! if you wanna watch it go to veoh.com and type in scrapped princess english dub episode 1, or just copy that whole thing and do it but its awesome!!!!!!!!!! Oh and Ronnie if it makes you feel any better Chris (who has an extremly looooong name! and goes by that for short) reminds me of one of your characters remember when the robber comes into the bank and steals the money and gives the people refreshments and puzzles? he reminds me of that! haha! ^^

Drabbles part 10 is off watching Scrapped Princess! and laughing at Leo... poor Leo!

Drabbles prt. 9: Lockers

Are used for storing things, not banging your head aganist them while crying angst and hoping some huge black hole would open up from the center of the universe and swallow you whole! Well that's just about what lockers are good for... and nothing else really unless your like some people at our school and wanna store your drugs or alchol there! Then again i guess that's fine to... up until the point you get caught and suspended.... what?! people do it! I'm just saying it! Gosh!

I know some of your are like, whatever and others probably have their mouths hanging open! Oh no she didnt! Z snap! I have officially gone insane! Happy now?! I blame my lack of sanity weeee! I've never had enough sanity to run on so now my mind is pulling from what it thinks is sanity but in truth is insanity! Tonight i shall be freezing my butt off outside! Ahaha Jenny just told me she ran into her sisters run and screamed, Tater Nuts, laughed and then ran out! Yes it was my idea!

She also sent me 4 pages of bumper sitckers! i was so excited! ahaha Drabbles part 9 is getting its butt froze off.

Just need to get it out!

What was the point? It wasn't going to happen anyway so why was I still moping around? What was done, was done right? I mean I knew I couldn't change the past so why had I insisted that I try? It was impossible and stupid! I rolled onto my side and let out the gust of air I didn't know that I was holding in. Gypsy walked in tongue lolled out to one side in a lopsided grin, or that's what I took it as, and promptly sat down on my back. "Oof." Was all that came out and I was forced to hold my breath in because she was heavy!

I thought about back to the time when I was still in the dark... more like the light where I had no idea I was what I was! And honestly it astounded me as much as it astounded them that I was this! That I had wings, white no less, producing from my back and a sword and a belt and a scabbard hooked to my belt! I think it surprised Winter more than it did Azazel, Winter swore up and down I was going to turn into a huge furry werewolf, but imagine her surprise when I came back with white wings hooked to my back, and in very poor condition.

She took one look at me and ushered me inside, Gabriel hot on her heels. It was a night I would never forget, nor was I allowed to.

I'd really rather...

That someone tell me just what is going to happen! I'm tired of this suspense! It's killing me and i'm just waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me this is a dream. My heart just hurts and i feel like things are being twisted and i'm forced to be on the defensive all the time because its so not what i did! Ugh! Its starting to piss me off but really whatever ya know?!

Well... i could... but i'll spare you!

With all the gory details of yet another drama! Yes that's right once again drama reigns in our group and it's taking its toll on me! However i explained to my mom everything and it helped me so much. She told me to pray about it, and she's right but like most people I'm ready for that quick fix and I'm wanting it so bad i can taste it! But as usual i don't always get what i want. I'm thinking about talking to Angel ya know getting a mediator so its just us 3 so no one is there to pick sides and to make sure there isn't any yelling or screaming.

Now while i don't mind the yelling and screaming I'm sure its not appropriate behavior for the library! I think we'd get kicked out after a time. But then again who knows... ok anyway back on topic! Most of you know why i havent been on here, oh my gosh i journaled in my journal today in school and i wrote like 3 pages! i dont usually do that! i usually do a short sentence to half or a whole page, but 3?! That's pretty pimp i must say haha! Ronnie i heard you liked rap! Ok well loooved it! Haha anyway i'm working on Stray again and i'm on chapter 4 so that's some good news save the worst.

Oh well i'm soo hungry so i'm off to see what's for supper dudes peace out!

Drabbles prt. 8: Computer, Virus, and Free Music

What have we learned today? How about dont download something that lets you download free music! Mom had to hire an expensive computer man to come clean up our mess.... oooppps! Ok sooo... ummm well Drabbles part 8 is busy trying to escape the virus world.

Red pour

The lies become more frequent,
The pain becomes more numb,
All the while I'm sitting here holding on,
Grabbing and pulling holding onto you.

The blades become more sharper,
The blood flows more freely,
One, two, three, four,
All the knives locked up in my drawer.

Noticing the silver metal,
Wanting nothing more than to hold it,
Run it through my fingers,
Let the red pour.

Sick....

Sick... yeah i feel like it. Not like sick with a cold but just sick! There's no one i trust this with, no one i don't even trust this computer this... this place! But its all i have! I tried it... just to see if i could do it... i irritated my skin a little but nothing no one will see tomorrow. And if they do i can just pass it off as i scratched myself... but i dont know why i did it! It hurt but i didnt press hard enough! Oh my gosh i really am sick in the head! i just... i was so scared... so sad... and i cried because that's all i could do! I just... i'm tired of not getting any better i'm tired of hurting! Why wont it stop?! Yes Ronnie i'm emotional, yeah for my own good but if you want to start with me so help me! You have never seen me when i'm like this!!!!!!!!!

I dont know why i did it... i just thought maybe i could feel something and i did. It hurt but i'm just not myself and i'm so scared... so very scared. I just want to be normal again and after the stupid stunt i just pulled i'm more ashamed of myself than ever and after this i dont think i'll be normal. I'm sorry.

Maybe its the.... well maybe... no, no!

So what that's the question lingering on my mind. So what? Why should i care? But the pain of the words still settles into my mind and it still hurts. "I dont trust him." I said.

"You dont trust anybody!" With that she just walked off. It hurt... hurt a lot. So what those are just words, yeah but coming from one of your best friends day in and day out it hurts! When you trust them and your just now learning to trust people again yeah it hurts a lot, feels like being slapped in the face of all the things i've done... stuff i'm just now getting over. It doesn't feel to good.

It's like telling a child they can't have friends, so they make some up or they go off on their own never to be seen again... void of companionship. So what? So what i'm hurting once again! So what i trusted someone and it feels like i'm being pushed down further and further... so what? So what why does it matter? and for once in my life all i can ask is this, why doesn't anyone care! Wasnt this what i wanted life alone? Not really i thought so but being pushed down back into the abyss where you've memorized every little thing that's happened that's brought you here! And to only be pushed down once again with those little words! So what?! Why should anyone care about me?! I'm just another human being!

Easy replaceable! So what?! So why shouldn't i do the thing that has crossed my mind so many times! It's not like anyone cares, its not like someone will give a crap and acutually help! So what?!

It was....

Amazing! I want to go see it again the graphics were soooo cool! and the baseball scene was great to, the song they played which happens to be on my playlist is Supermassive Black Hole and went along amazingly with the scene! The Ballet scene was amazing! I was so afraid for Bella even though i knew how it'd turn out just watching it you wanted to scream, "Edward hurry up!!!!!" and stamp your feet till he finally showed up! But it was the best movie, i expected Bella to have more emotion but then again when you read something and then see it on the big screen its a lot different. There planning on doing New Moon into a movie to and i'm going to try and figure out when they think it might be done. I'm very excited! I know Ronnie and Blade are probably just hating this post. But really guys it wont appeal to you, its more for teen girls sorry. I missed the one scene i really wanted to see cause of my stupid bladder!

Sara went to the bathroom and Angel assured me she'd let me know if anything happened that i deemed important (The whole movie haha), anyway i came back and they were just finishing the kissing scene!!!! I wanted to see that soooo bad! And Edward sparkled and looked fuzzy but it was sooo awesome! So, anyway say what you will guys but you can't bring me down when Jenny finishes up Twilight, and i finish the books Angel lent me i'm going straight back to them to read so i can have an excuse! I've read them enough times anyway it will be my 6th time for all of them but Breaking Dawn. It will be my 3rd time for Breaking Dawn.

I hope Midnight Sun will come out soon. That one is just basically Twilight but its in Edward's point of veiw and i'm hoping she'll publish it! Well hmmm i caught up on my sleep a little last night, seeing as how i fell asleep around 1 till about 5:30 then i dragged myself to bed after i turned everything off and then woke up around 9 or so. My dad told me Edward was staring at me while i slept and he was! I got a new poster so i put my new and improved Edward poster in my mom's house in my room and my old Edward poster in my room in my dad's house and if that doesnt scream obsessed, tacked next to my new Edward poster would be my ticket to the movie!

That's just about it for now, i'm going to go read some. I think Blade, Ronnie i've given you enough material to make fun of me for a life time but i really dont care. Also when my b-day rolls around not only will i be 17 i'll also own the Twilight Soundtrack, that's right, ticket tacked to my wall, posters, shirt and the Soundtrack! Yes and all the books what can ya say? I'm a fan! Ok, i think i'm going to stop while i'm ahead! Goodbye!

Drabbles Prt. 7

Went to see Twilight with Sara, Angel and Rachel and Jenny! it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!! Edward looked like he had been dipped in glitter and as Angel said he was fuzzy! Ahahaha, ok so i wont give anything away if you might be planning to see it but all i will say is this, its fast paced and it really doesnt follow the book but oh well! So afterwards we went to the mall and once again i got another Edward poster!!!! yay! and then we dropped Jenny off and went to everyone's house to get their clothes so we could spend the night at Sara's it was pretty awesome! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dompotjTeIA Ronnie i think you'd enjoy this! its a spoof its really funny!!!! ahahaha ok well lets see Sara has a cat named Bella!!!!! Ok well i'm off goodbye! Drabbles part 7 is staring at Edward's glittery body!

Ugh... ow!

Ow ok i have a major headache guys its seriously just pounding aganist the left side of my skull. yeah sometimes i just get headaches on one side of my head weird i know! ahhh its just like pounding grrr! yum i have a salad its sooo yummy and french dressingy! with crutons and cheese!!!!!!!!!! lots of cheese! i have nothing more to say bye!

Drabbles prt. 6

So ummm yeah Ronnie, Blade.... THAT'S THRALL!!!!!!!!!!!! I have loads of comments i could say but i'm going to keep my mouth shut and kick both of your butts tomrrow COUNT ON IT!!!!!!!!! Drabbles part 6 is getting its but kicked!

Drabbles prt. 5

Do you ever go to your closet pick out an outfit and wonder if you wore that last week? Like today for church i couldnt figure out if i wore a skirt or my black slacks! So i called my aunt who replied, "I thought you wore a skirt.... well i'm not sure. Oh well if i dont remember honey then chances are they wont remember it!" She had a point! But seriously do you ever do that and go, "Wait... didnt i wear this last week?"

Da ja vu! Oh and tonight you must watch Comedy Central at 9!!!!!!!!! JEFF DUNHAM!!!!!!!! He's a ventriloquist. Really funny Achmed the Dead Terriost if that rings a bell or Peanut! Its from 9-10 and then the same one comes again from 10-11. Its a Christmas specail! Me, mom and Aunt Kathy are all going to watch it together weeeheee! i'm so excited! ooohhhh 10 minutes before it comes on!!!!! yay! and Nov. 21st Twilight!!!!!!!!! Oh and i found this little cartoon i think you Twilight haters *eyes shift to Ronnie and Blade* might like!

This is different.

I'm going to take a break from my drabbles and just write something... well i guess meaningful? I'll take a break from the guy/s i'm crushing on, but i'm very sad. Yes this post is about a guy but a different someone i've known all my life. Yep my brother Aaron my hero i secretly look up to. My mom's talking to him on the phone now and she said something about him and Katie getting married maybe one day! I'll admit it, i'm jealous of the girl she sees him everyday and i dont! He's always at school, with her, or work! When i do see him we dont talk, i mean but still sometimes i really miss him, well ok i always miss him.

He's my brother and ya know i'm so used to him barging into my room while i watch tv or read and demand my attention while we play video games, i miss him coming in my room armed with sock 'em boppers and pounding me with the soft cushion of them while i'm on the phone, miss him taking my diary and running with it while i chase him down screaming for him to give it back. I miss it all! We dont play video games or hang out anymore like we used and as usual my mom was right when she said i'd miss him when he left! Ugh, it sucks. i know we didnt always get along but still he's my brother and i just want to hang out again.

I know he loves me and wont admit it, but what brother will admit to his annoying little sister (yes i'll admit i annoy him among others) that he loves her? No brother unless their drunk! In which case i'm sure some might have memory loss and forget who there siblings are, much less everything else that clouds their drunken stupor! But that's not the point! What i'm saying is i really do realize now what my mom was saying when she told he wasnt always going to be here. I took it for granted and trust me it sucks! Even though yeah sometimes i wished i was an only child i'm glad i'm not. So Aaron didnt talk to me about my secrets and listen to me when i'm down but he did pester me to hang out with him, he knew our time was limited yet i thought we had all the time in the world!

But you have to grow up sometime and Aaron's 19 he's certainly grown up a lot. Well sorry if i've bored you i just needed to get this off my chest.

Drabbles prt. 5

Ok so guys question here. So the guy i like he's been looking at me sorta like he's interested and when i catch him looking at me he looks down or away like he's embarrassed at being caught. Soooo yeah well my question is this, ok well i have two questions, number one what would you do if a girl winked at you? I mean like would you get the courage to go talk to her or what? And my other question how do you know if a guy likes you? i mean what do you think? sorry i just want to talk to him so bad but i'm so terrified and i have a fear of talking to new people its unreal! My friends have all offered to talk to him for me but i'm so afraid! I mean seriously! his room is right across from my 1st period class and he goes down the 200 hallway after lunch like i do! Soooo what do you think i should guys? Wink or not? My dad came up with it saying he'd probably get the courage to talk to me if i did. I thought smiling but i dont know. Ok so would a guy prefer a wink or a smile? Help me out guys! i need to better understand your complicated minds! and Ronnie i'll kill you if you put something sarcastic!!!!!!!!!!! Drabbles part 5 was winged away by a foul beast.

Drabbles prt. 4

So correct me if i'm wrong here. If you kill someone aren't you sorta going to be getting into more trouble anyway? I mean i could be wrong i usually am but still! Doesnt killing someone just make things worse? Why do we even do it?! I mean for money, drugs, women? (guys that last one was for you!) Seriously its so pointless! Ugh, but whatever its what people will do. But i'd be terrified to kill someone i mean really! How does it help solve anything?

Well whatever also something i want to ask you guys! Ok so i like this guy and he's younger than me, maybe about 2 years... if a girl dates a younger guy what does it look like to other people and to guys? My friends could care less but i talked to one of my guy friends Josh and he said it'd make me look like i wanted something from him because he's younger! Hello i'm not a teacher! (you have to admit that one was good!) But to you guys what do you think? What do you see? Sorta just wanna throw that up there for you guys, won't change my mind but i'd like to know your opinion! Drabbles part 4 canceled.

Drabbels prt. 3

Why?! Why?! And once again why?! Everyone has the same names over and over its so annoying! Lets get creative here people instead of the same 'ol Josh, Chelsey, Jessica, Chris, sometimes Kaitlin or with a C if your prefer it that way! Lets think outside the box k?! I however am going to try and start a tradition for me! I'm going to get people to call me by my middle name which is Rose because i'm tired of people saying that name and it not be the right Chelsey! Its super annoying! People like Jasmine, Blade and yes even you Ronnie have nothing to worry about! Amber either and Sara ok we can lay off that to and Jenny has nothing to worry about Angel? Nope! how about Wyatt? Not really! Lets get creative!!!!!!!!!

Next year for my senior year i'm going to get the teachers to call me by Rose, hopefully if all goes well that's what people will call me! *Sigh* i have no problem with my name but seriously there are so many and i haven't heard a Rose being called yet! So lets hope this all goes well! If not i can't say i tried. Drabbles part 3 has met its match.

Detox 101

Yep i think i'm finally going through it, i will Drabble just not right now. I have a lot on my mind and seeing everyone so down today has finally, i think made me crack! I'm down, so very down right now that i dont even think Jazz's cheery words can bring me up from my slums! I mean seriously, i knew this would happen. I knew i would get attatched, i knew i would believe every lie he told me, i knew i would fall for him once again, i knew that he would stop texting and i would alone to face this once again, i knew it all and yet i pushed it to the depths of my mind so i could focus on now! So i could focus on him, and him alone!

My mind was screaming for me to not do this, reminding me of all the times as my friends had and yet my heart was pounding whole and with such joy i couldnt refuse. Saying something is so much easier than having to act upon it. And of course like a spoil sport Jazz reminded of what i was supposed to do, he's gone and as predicted i'm going through detox, acutually i thought it would have happened sooner like on Saturday and i had Jess to cheer me up if i needed her, but it held off until now.

I thought maybe it wont, but it was waiting for the right time to spring up on me and shout every thing about him that i love, and i know with everything, every broken part of me i have to move on and i have to forget... but i have to remember first, i have to remember and i have to deal with it in a healthy way and that's going to be so hard for me. I'm terrified of letting go because i have an excuse with him now, why i'm afraid to love, i can blame on him and why i'm just afraid of even the word i can blame on him! Why would i want to give all that up?! Why?!

It's so much easier to pin the blame on him then to have to relearn love and relearn trusting someone you cared for that has shattered until you resemble nothing! How can i trust again? How can i realize not all guys are like that? And as people say there are plenty of fish in the sea, what if they're all like that? What if i dont want a fish? What if instead i want a prince? I dont want to love some slimy creature that can't remember anything but what he wants and thinks he needs and when he doesnt get it swims away! i want someone to pull me out of this pond and to make me theirs.

To heal this broken heart and to not break it again because i'm afraid! I'm afraid to love and i'm afraid to date, i want someone who will mend me and not break me who will just be there for me. Wether he come now (that would be nice) or later but who will be there for me when i can't be there for myself. When i can no longer stand and i'm tired someone who will pick me back up, i want that and instead i'm in a pond infested with disgusting nasty fish! I want to be out of here, my clothes are soggy, my hearts broken, and i'm pretty sure the fish know my motives! And they seem to be pulling me downwards making it harder for them to reach... making it harder for my prince. But like i said, there are no happy endings.

Drabbles prt. 2

I dont get it! what's up with celebs? why do we care so much about them anyway?! Half of them ok wait 99% of them arent even good role modles anyway! are we trying to justify ourselves by laughing at what stupid stuff they do? Or what, seriously what's up with it? I dont get it and i think its stupid! ok yeah i laugh at some of the stupid stuff they do but seriously! there about as good as hobos! Ugh! Drabbles prt. 2 done!

Drabbles

So does anyone but me not see what's wrong with this picture?! Ok so i guess i should explain what i mean since there is obviously not a picture present! I left my phone at home, i'm always texting or talking on it, either way its with me and i forgot it and left it at home! See what's wrong with that picture? I blame it on Mondays! Yes drabbles a new series i'm posting up here, why? Because i feel like it and i drabble a lot in my head so why not keep a record of it and write some of it down? It could be useful later right? Haha yeah i doubt it to! Since mainly what goes through my head isn't really worth trying to remember.

Do you ever just think of something and as soon as you think it you lose it? It sucks, once when Aaron was dating one of my friends Destiny, we all (meaning Haley, Destiny's sister and Destiny was the one he was dating Aaron and me) used to get on the phone and just talk well i was going to say something i forgot! I thought i'd remember it later but even when we got off the phone i didnt remember! to this day i still dont remember!!!!!!! AND ITS BEEN LIKE A YEAR NOW!!!!!!! Yeah i know that's pretty bad!

Anyway..... sorry that word drabbles is a weird word... weird is a weird word..... ok all words are weird! and so am i!!!!!! Ok so this concludes my drabble!!!!! goodbye!

How about we dont!

This is what my second post? yeah i think it is.... no idea why i care but today has just gone in a blur! I watched anime for a while then i went and took a nice nap, i never take naps unless somethings wrong, so that was a shocker! i got about 2 hours of sleep, it was nice! i was sorta conscious through most of it anyway, which was kinda weird. I mean i knew i was sleeping but i could hear everything! The TV in the living room, Ace and Rosie's tags hitting against their collars, mom talking to them, yep i could hear it!

then i got up and tried to watch some more anime but i ended up on the couch with the TV on waiting for my mom and Aunt Kathy to get home with some food. then i did homework and got Kathy to help me with my Physical Science benchmark which might i add made a 56 on! yep i suck at Science soooo I'm getting help with the problems i didn't finish tomorrow... i hope he lets us finish that movie! if he doesn't I'll probably accidentally fall asleep in his class 'cause I'm so tired.

My tummy's not feelin to well so... yeah.... it sucks oh well I'll be somewhat better tomorrow just ill. so if i yell at you for no reason whatsoever that i can think of, sorry! and i do love you!!!!!!!! ^^ i wish i could hug someone right now i don't know why i just want to! hahaha. ok I'm going to randomly write a poem! or whatever comes out!

Can You?

Piece by piece it breaks and falls,
To the ground where it sinks,
Shards of it lay crumpled on the floor,
Bleeding and wondering aimlessly through life is all it does.

There is no one to fix it,
No one to heal it,
No one is there... to busy for it in day to day lives,
So it stops crying out.

You can't see it,
You don't see it,
And even if you did would you take the time to notice it,
Take the time to heal it?

Probably not so onward you go,
You hear it crying so you cover your ears,
You hear it sobbing so you walk faster,
You hear it no more so you smile and continue on.

The same happens with everyone that passes by,
So a sign is posted telling people not to go that way,
Because they are to busy to fix it,
To busy to heal it, and to busy to listen to it.

Days become weeks,
Weeks become months,
And months become years,
Until one day he comes.

He removes the sign and travels the road,
He hears it so he walks faster,
He sees it so he runs to it,
He gets to it and drops the pieces one by one on the ground.

He sits down and he listens to it,
He listens as he picks the pieces up and heals it,
He listens to it as he takes it by the hand and helps it up,
He kisses it because he loves it.

It becomes whole and trusts him,
He trusts it and gives him his heart,
The heart in return takes him to his master,
And in return she gives him the heart he has mended.

He smiles and promises her his love,
She believes him and takes his hand when he offers it to her,
She smiles and wonders if fairy tales really happen,
But after a while it comes crashing down.

People come that way and the cycle starts again,
You hear it crying so you cover your ears,
You hear it sobbing so you walk faster,
You hear it no more so you smile and continue on.

I thought I told you once,
I thought I told you twice,
Listen to me now because I won't say it again,
Fairy Tales don't come true, Fairy Tales are meant to stay in books.

Fairy Tales will never come true,
Don't believe in them,
Don't get your hopes up and have them come crashing down,
Because Fairy Tales don't come true and sometimes you won't get that happily ever after.

Because everyone knows there are no happy endings.

I should be... i should be but i'm not!

I should be mad, angry and most of all betrayed! But i'm not, i love her to death because she's my sister and i know all in all she cares for me! Jazz has always been there for me and if she says she's not leaving my side i believe her. But what if he leaves her side? What if he breaks her heart? I wont be stuck at home any more because i'll get to his house one way or another and he will take his final breath! He better not hurt her, because if i'm left picking up the pieces which i will do, i'll be hating him with every fiber of my being! normally i dont hate people because the Bible says not to but it'll be hard not to!

Jazz has been there for me through so much and, now i'm going to be there for her! i dont trust him, i dont like him... but i'll tolerate him to the point he breaks her heart! she's my sister and i'm looking out for her! so dont mess with me!!!!!!

Friday...

It's Friday and he still has yet to make contact with me, Saturday is the day i cannot make contact and answer anything that has to with him! It makes me sad but i'm going to try really hard! I'm spending the night with Jess tonight so that might help a little bit when i go through detox on Saturday. *Sighs* oh well it can't get any worse....... can it?

Welcome...

Welcome, welcome again i might add. For some reason i think i have another date with doom, another date where my heart gets shattered... once again. Even though i keep saying I'll be ok and fine Jazz seems to point out to me that last time, and the last after that! Even though i see her point, its not changing anything I'll be fine and the more i say it the more i believe it! So I'm a little screwed up from last time, doesn't matter my hearts not whole anyway and time and patience just isn't my thing! The more i say it the more i believe that i really will be fine, but seriously what's wrong with me?

After calling out my faults i felt so venerable! "You said you'd give him one more chance! You did and now your doing it again." She said... and then i heard it... the gasp... no not that the break down and i knew she was crying... for me! But why for me?! I'm not that special, really I'm not really worth that much yet she was crying for me... for my safety? "The red stuff that drips from your wrist... yeah that's called blood!"

"Haha that's funny Jazz." I stated.

"It's not meant to be funny." And i knew what she meant right then and there.

"Does God want you to ruin your own happiness just to make someone else happy? I don't think he does! Why are you always so selfless! You need to be a little selfish once in a while!" She stated.

I was selfish, i could be at times but this time was different and no matter what I'm just so confused. On the one hand i would destroy my own happiness to make him happy, and on the other i know God doesn't want me to do that... but how do i stop? I kept saying one more chance to her, that seemed to be the magic number... or was it 5?! "Maybe i should stop jumping to conclusions." I said and heard her sigh on the other end of the line.

I did jump to conclusions easy and i was ready for her stop pestering me about him... and i knew and still do... that what I'm doing is probably the most idiotic thing but what happens when the one who broke you is the only one who can repair you?! Its hard to give up anything I've ever wanted and dreamed of having and until someone comes up and accuses me of my fraud... and who lets me yell and scream and cry and doesn't give me advice who actually just listens and pats me on the back or just holds me and lets me cry... that'll be the day they hear about my life and about how I'm screwing it up! Because apparently i do that all to well! I'm sorry if i want him to be happy! I'm sorry if i would demise my own happiness for his but i care about him so much and would do anything for him and he knows that!!! But is Jazz right? Is she right when she says he using that to his advantage? So much to think about.... so little time.

On the outside looking in.

Do you ever feel like that? That your on the outside looking in? It sucks really, I'm not emotionally strong i'll say that for one and for number two i have a horrible habit of taking peoples problems and trying to solve them. Something that i'm not getting better/learning not to do. I always feel like i can solve someones problem now matter how big it is... guess you could say i'm trying to play God. I dont mean to its just i dont like seeing people down. I think that's mostly why i'm down a lot these days, i see all my friends and there problems and they become mine to the point i have to have someone slap me and tell me i cant solve their problem and to just get over it!

Even then i'm by their side anyway trying my best to help them. Could it be the type of person that i am? Or is it that i'm just so obsessed with them and their problems and trying to fix it that i would demise my own happiness just to help? and by help i mean make worse because i seem to be doing that a lot lately. Well its a good thing people hardly take my advice, heck far i dont even think i'd take my own advice and that says a lot... or does it?

Oh well, anyway that's mostly why i'm getting a job in the Health field anyway, i just want to help people. I like when people depend on me sometimes... ya know? it just makes me feel needed instead of the usual outside looking in. I know that seems completely silly and it probably is but i just want to help people so bad i would destroy any chance of happiness to make them feel better... i think i might be OCD... a little anyway what do you guys think?

But am i the only one who does that? please tell me i'm not! and if i am refer me to the best crazy doctor you know because i think i should be in there! I hear they serve brownies on Wed.... just kidding! Or am i? hmmm yes that would seem to be the question before you... or us... or me.... crap i'm confused again... i'm also going through text withdraw. I left my cell phone at my dads house so i cant text but i am however watching anime. Ouran High School Host Club to be exact. they did have it in japanese and i've seen it before in japanese then they did it in english and Vic (whose last name i now know how to say but wont spell because i can't) plays as Tamaki isnt that just wonderful?! Ok well.... hmmm its halfway done loading so i'm off to finish episode 2! bye now!

I've just noticed something.... i get off topic way to easy!

hahaha have fun reading this! its in different colors... mwahahaha although i'm not sure how that's evil.... it just is keh?

Stray

I can't seem to write it anymore... and I dont want to give it up. I think i've already given up a Place to Call Home, I need ideas and i dont have them. I've tried taking breaks but evertytime i do another story idea pops into my head so i have to stick with Stray! *sigh* I'm not sure what to do about it anymore and it makes me sad because i love that story! One of the stories i really like is that one, it could use more detail but i love it! I mean its one story i can look at and say, "Its truly an amazing story." Others i just can't! I think i do pretty good poems but stories... stories are life!

And for whatever reason i can't seem to think of anything for Stray! If you have ideas please help me! I'm desperate! if this story isnt the best then i dont know what to do! I've always dreamed that i would have at least one of my stories published! It probably wont be that one but before i die i'd like to have at least something published that way i know i've done something amazing! well amazing to me anyway, so if you have ideas please, please, please help me?!

Been wondering....

Where i am? Probably not, but i'll tell you anyway i was at my dads. So i havent been able to check my stuff in 2 days! My mom and aunt are currently in S.C attending a Gather's Concert and should be home sometime tonight! Anyway i've been babysitting the dogs this whole time! Anyway i'm currently on here and myspace checking my stuff. lets see theres really nothing to blog about for the simple fact, Friday when i got the dogs Sara dropped me off at the house, my dads because everyone was gone! i had the pups then and when Dad came home we watched tv together and we watched Family Guy... ok well i did anyway! He kept asking me every 2 seconds if they always used lanuage like that.

Ok so maybe not every 2 seconds but it sure felt like it! Hmm i need a new anime to watch, does anyone watch anime? I'm going to start Wolf's Rain again because i never finished it, then Full Metal Alchemist again i never finished that one either and then to Trinity Blood i watched the first half that episode and then stopped to go take a bath. Ok well i have a fun filled day ahead! oh well i might even try Code Gease... and i have to figure out when Ouran High School Host Club comes out in english so i can watch that again! ok well i'm off bye!

Ok...

So besides Jenny and me does any one else have a myspace?! If not you should sooo get one! I dont know why! You just should......... TWILIGHT!!!!!!!! yay!

This...

Blog worries my patience soooo bad sometimes! Grrr sometimes i feel like slapping it... dont ask and other times i love this thing so much! ahhh i'm in a good mood today! Muffin Man wasnt here so i settled for music and daydreaming at lunch yay!

*sigh* i really have nothing to say except i'm understanding D&D a little better, reminds me of Champions of Norrath and if you've never played that or Return to Arms... your deprived!!!!!!! ok well i'm gone to get something to eat, i'm starving! Also! Stray chapter 3 is going good so far i'm able to write a little each night, if you havent read it i urge to please do and let me know what you think. I'll have chapter 3 up ASAP.

Today

i slept in till 12!!!!!!! i'm so excited then i drunkly got up (it looked like i was drunk) and went out only to be looked at by my mom with a weird look on her face. i really have nothing to say i just wanted to say how long i slept in aren't you so proud? MUFFINS! WE'RE OUTTA SCHOOL TODAY YAY! bye!!!!!!!!

Have you ever.....

Have you ever heard something that made you cringe and want to deny what you thought could never be true! You want to deny it sooo bad but as you think about the past couple weeks, the attitude, the way they are.... you can't help but remember and realize they could be telling the truth! I'm afraid to admit it but I think Momma was right when she told me about one of my friends... as I look at her I wonder and I see her through new eyes... and honestly it terrifies me!

But so much has been going on its not even funny. My own problems seem so minor compared to what others seem to be facing. I'm being whiny, stupid and childish! For some of you... well all of you don't know this but I've recently taken the cutter's mind... Friday was the hardest day ever when I finally broke down and told Jazz what was really going through my mind. I could see my friends looking at me sooo... so different... the hugs were with extra pressure and I knew they knew something wasn't right with me.

I told Jazz of my plans... everything I kept nothing from her and burst into tears as she said she had no idea what to do if I ever did. I was acting stupid and childish! Why should I have any reason to cut? Yes I've been depressed pretty much since school's started over many things but... I don't... I see the reason and its just an excuse! I'm in pain but that's still no reason! That's not the way and I've been thinking of the face Jazz said when she said, "I wouldn't like it... I'd try to stop you and you know I would! I wouldn't tell anyone... but I would try to help you!"

It broke my heart to see how much she really cared and how angry it made me when I realized how stupid I was being! I think things can only get better now and I remember a quote that's on my myspace, "God will take you through Hell just to get you to Heaven." and I believe that! Hope I didnt freak anyone out, and that was hard to admit! Well anyway lunch is almost ready bye for now.

Broken

With every beat of a Shattered heart,

She falls and cries,

She cries for you and for herself,

She cries because she is Broken.

No one can heal these Wounds,

Everyone that touches her Breaks her heart a little bit more,

She's Shattered.

These Scars left on her Heart grow each and every day,

With time passing its getting harder to breathe,

She struggles more until finally one day,

The Red flows and she smiles.

She knows its not right,

She's been told the horror stories,

But the Pain is released and she smiles and does it again,

Soon there will be Scars... beautiful pink little Scars.

Each one longer and thicker than the last,

She does it again and it doesnt hurt,

Her Pain is going and she thinks her Heart is beginning to mend,

Little does she know her Heart is being Shattered... Broken even more.

Pieces of it fall one by one to the ground,

She sees them and tries to collect them,

The wind flows and there all gone...

All gone?

"Goodbye." She whispers,

The Red flows and she looks at herself,

So many beautiful Scars... so beatiful...

What's left of her heart is Shattered, Torn, and Broken.

She lays on the ground to Drown in her Pain,

She cries and watches the Red flow from her Tattered arms,

"Goodbye Heart." She whispers,

How did it come to this... She promised... she wouldnt... She promised a friend once long ago.

Now for the first time she sees herself,

She continues to lie there,

She cries for her Broken Heart, for her Broken promise...

Alone she cries, "Goodbye Heart." She whispers one final time before the the Red takes her away.

There's not...

In so many words to really say what's been going on. Except for the fact that when I wrote that vent I was able to hold off the tears till I went to bed. I prayed to God to take away my pain and anger, becuase if I'm being honest with myself its not... its not about Chris anymore! There I said it! The wounds have healed but have left some pretty deep scars, I'm still afraid and I'm still scared that somehow the anger will find me again and the sadness with it, but whatever happiness I can get I'll take it! I'm not even sure why I was so mad... or depressed. I'm thankful to God for making me forget because I wouldn't be as happy as I am now! I must confide in this blog and say I still miss Chris, but not as much as I used to.

Well hmm I had a test today... 2 actually. And then in lunch Jess complained about why we couldn't seem to get over who we liked. It's harder for me to get emotionally close to guys now, afraid of course that I'll be broken again and that I'll let go of the happiness that I've been holding onto for sometime now. *Sigh* I'm confused on what to do now... live in the moment and wait for the return of the anger... or just wait for it?

I'm not quiet sure anymore, sorry if I'm boring you I forgot and left my homework at school! Well its due friday but still! If you get the chance listen to "Surrender" By: Barlow Girl. It's really good it should be on here I just added it, if its not http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi4kZJTbUsM go here. I'm off bye!

I'm...

Mad, angry, sad, and depressed!!!! I'm tired of everything going all happy and dandy and then blowing up in my face at the first chance of happiness! I'm tired of pretending and living in the world of make believe and really believing I'm going to get any better! Apparently I'm not! Whatever hopes and dreams I've had are pretty much crushed and are now being flushed down the toilet of despair! Normally I would find someone to tack my anger on and blame them for a couple days without them knowing but that would be wrong! Most of the time I blame Aaron, he's hardly here anyway.

I don't believe in telling someone your dating you love them the second day! How creepy and... just plain weird! I'm tired of everything just crashing down!!!!! Yes the closest thing right here, right now is the computer so I'm mad and venting BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! People really tick me off! Oohhh I'm ready to scream and just lash out, punch and just... ahhhh I don't even know I'm so flippin mad!!!!!! I feel like no one can crush my heart because lets face it, the heart I had has been ripped to shreds so many times I can barely recognize it!

Suppose once first semesters over I'll get over this... I sure hope so! It seems every things against me, one shred of happiness and I get it taken away as though I'm a child worrying her mother to death with playing with a piece of string she found on the floor! Ohhh People burn me up sometimes honestly!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to face tomorrow, I don't want to go to school! I'd rather fake sick but even that won't get me out of the on coming 'talk' that's supposedly going to take place! I'm mad and if anyone tries to talk to me...they'll be getting a mouthful!!!!!!!!!! Not my friends, just the people that are making me mad and I can count them all on one hand!!!!!!

School will be brutal tomorrow, prayer is welcome and needed! Ok well most of my anger has just burnt out at the expense of this sorta, kinda, not really long vent... they never last that long unless I'm sad then I could probably go on for days! Anyway enough of that. Please pray for me! Tomorrow is going to be an unpleasant day for some unlucky people! Oh well, I guess you learn the hard way. I'll say please once but you try and make me do something I don't want to do... you meet the anger I've held in for months and months! Don't start with me tomorrow or you'll be one of the unlucky ones!!! That's all I have to say! Good bye and Good night!

Homecoming

Was sooo much fun!!!!! I had my black dress on and my mom snapped a couple pictures of me before I left. When I got there I spied, Jenny, Megan and Morgan all on the dance floor dancing! The only ones! Of course they spied me and rushed over to drag me up there, "I can't dance!" I protested digging my heels into the floor.

They didn't care and shouted words of encouragement! "I can't dance either really but I don't care!" Jenny shouted. I sighed and began to dance, I stopped when I saw people looking so they turned my back to them and I began dancing again, laughing and smiling! It was great! Johnathon Wilson came up of his own free will during a rap song, took my hands and drug me to the middle sorta and danced with me for at least half the song. I protested at first scared, and then later when I went back, thinking someone had called on him to dance with me, I found out he came of his own free will!

Of course the floors were dirty but I didn't mind and I had the best time and even snagged me a boyfriend while I was there! hehe. Toward the end you could have found us all at the tables sucking in helium making our voices small until we were dizzy and ready to pass out! Poor Amber sucked in enough to make her voice small, but it stayed small for a good two minutes before it finally reverted back to its original tone! Jenny found her a balloon and did it, as did Julia and me and Josh.

It was fun and when I went home I found out Katie would be dinning with us today (Sunday) and we had to clean house. But I didn't mind I was in such a happy state you could have thrown a rabid cat on me! Ok well not a rabid one but a cat that's been drenched in water! That doesn't sound quiet as painful. Today is going to be sooo busy! I have the Crop Walk and in our group project I volunteered to write the one page essay we had to do. Crop Walk starts at 3 but we're meeting at the church at 2 and we have to be there by 2:30! Its insanity I tell ya! Oh well. Ok so I think lunch is about ready so I'm off! bye!

i think i need...

to calm down on the writing a bit! I'm bored and my leg hurts.... ok that's better! Hmmm.... well its like 12:10.... i have nothing to say except when Edward leaves Bella i'll hate him till he comes back! And then in Breaking Dawn.... well.... since i can't have Jacob i want Seth!!!!!! ^^ Team Jacob all the way! for those of you who've read the book... whose side are you on?! ooooohhhh POLL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i'm...

Going to bug you until Full Metal Alchemist episode 4 gets done loading! Lalalalala! *sigh* 5% this'll take a while... tomrrow is the homecoming dance! Its semi formal (ok who knows what that means?!) and i'm wearing my black dress with beads, Jenny and Amber were wanting me to go and Amber kept begging me until i finally said yes! So i'm going with them basically... lalalalalala.

i'll be bussling and hussling to get ready and all that good stuff... ok i'm going to go find a faster way to watch this episode! bye for now!

It's not helping

The music and books arent helping me in any way! I'm not supposed to be thinking that's the whole point but the closer I get to Edward's leaving Bella the giddier I get... as though she could feel the pain I feel and it seems to make me happy! A little weird I know but it feels like no one knows what I'm going through.... sometimes even I dont! Yes the Mask of Darkness is my blogger thing whatever it is... I like it!

In a way it sorta describes me... Oh well.... this is sorta a depressing post. I'm just going to write now a free write. Sorry about the depressing post of this well post! I think the rain has me down.

The rain softly pittered pattered aganist the window pane, it slid down in small little clear drops and I reached out my hand to touch the cool glass. I drew back before it even touched and let the silent tears that had built up flow. There was pain where there should be happiness and anger where there should be love!

I touched the window pane in silence and let the coolness numb my fingers. If only I could feel numb... if only... if only's swirled in my mind and I cried even harder my arms shook and the pain that I felt was even harder to let go of! Where there was pain... there was feeling! I was afraid.... to not feel.

Random thought!

Ok so in first period we were doing a project... wohoo! ugh yeah right think again! Anyway so we were talking about going trick or treating. Someone told this girl that you couldn't go trick or treating if you were 16 or older because you could get arrested for it! oh my gosh it was sooo funny! One of the guys Trevor was like, "Yeah and the police come and get you and ask, 'How old are you?' 16. 'Your under arrest for trick or treating.' and then you'd have to go in there with your costume on and the guys would be like, 'What are you in for?' Trick or Treating."

How funny would that be?! You get arrested for Trick or Treating! by the way i'm going to try and get a big group to go trick or treating with me this year! whose in?!

His Demons

Heart thumping, pulse racing

Is how he feels around you.

Staring is his only motive of ever dreaming to talk to you,

Scared... and feeling alone he know nows not the time...

To bring anyone into this misery he's created for himself.

If he brought you in like he's done to so many others,

He would be sad and afraid.

People keep trying to help him,

But it seems they only make it worse.

Why can't they just accept it,

He's not himself anymore!

He thinks he's starting to get used to the new him,

With his mask of shame and regret and all things that haunt him, he knows... he knows for sure it's not the time.

With things left unsaid and left undone he'll leave you just to protect you,

Protect you from the rage he feels about himself every night.

Protect you from the fright of who he truly is,

You can't save him now... no one ever could.

He's not one to be messed with,

He'll just blame it on you... so just leave him alone... its all you can do!

But he knows you'll come back,

So that's why he's waiting.

To scare you back off,

To show you he's protecting you from who he really is... from the demons that haunt him...

From the demons that haunt him and hold him so dear,

There his best friends... his only friends.

To the angels who have given up on him,

He knows you'll give up to... so that's why he's watiting.

Can't you see it?

He's waiting for you!