Ok...

So besides Jenny and me does any one else have a myspace?! If not you should sooo get one! I dont know why! You just should......... TWILIGHT!!!!!!!! yay!

This...

Blog worries my patience soooo bad sometimes! Grrr sometimes i feel like slapping it... dont ask and other times i love this thing so much! ahhh i'm in a good mood today! Muffin Man wasnt here so i settled for music and daydreaming at lunch yay!

*sigh* i really have nothing to say except i'm understanding D&D a little better, reminds me of Champions of Norrath and if you've never played that or Return to Arms... your deprived!!!!!!! ok well i'm gone to get something to eat, i'm starving! Also! Stray chapter 3 is going good so far i'm able to write a little each night, if you havent read it i urge to please do and let me know what you think. I'll have chapter 3 up ASAP.

Today

i slept in till 12!!!!!!! i'm so excited then i drunkly got up (it looked like i was drunk) and went out only to be looked at by my mom with a weird look on her face. i really have nothing to say i just wanted to say how long i slept in aren't you so proud? MUFFINS! WE'RE OUTTA SCHOOL TODAY YAY! bye!!!!!!!!

Have you ever.....

Have you ever heard something that made you cringe and want to deny what you thought could never be true! You want to deny it sooo bad but as you think about the past couple weeks, the attitude, the way they are.... you can't help but remember and realize they could be telling the truth! I'm afraid to admit it but I think Momma was right when she told me about one of my friends... as I look at her I wonder and I see her through new eyes... and honestly it terrifies me!

But so much has been going on its not even funny. My own problems seem so minor compared to what others seem to be facing. I'm being whiny, stupid and childish! For some of you... well all of you don't know this but I've recently taken the cutter's mind... Friday was the hardest day ever when I finally broke down and told Jazz what was really going through my mind. I could see my friends looking at me sooo... so different... the hugs were with extra pressure and I knew they knew something wasn't right with me.

I told Jazz of my plans... everything I kept nothing from her and burst into tears as she said she had no idea what to do if I ever did. I was acting stupid and childish! Why should I have any reason to cut? Yes I've been depressed pretty much since school's started over many things but... I don't... I see the reason and its just an excuse! I'm in pain but that's still no reason! That's not the way and I've been thinking of the face Jazz said when she said, "I wouldn't like it... I'd try to stop you and you know I would! I wouldn't tell anyone... but I would try to help you!"

It broke my heart to see how much she really cared and how angry it made me when I realized how stupid I was being! I think things can only get better now and I remember a quote that's on my myspace, "God will take you through Hell just to get you to Heaven." and I believe that! Hope I didnt freak anyone out, and that was hard to admit! Well anyway lunch is almost ready bye for now.

Broken

With every beat of a Shattered heart,

She falls and cries,

She cries for you and for herself,

She cries because she is Broken.

No one can heal these Wounds,

Everyone that touches her Breaks her heart a little bit more,

She's Shattered.

These Scars left on her Heart grow each and every day,

With time passing its getting harder to breathe,

She struggles more until finally one day,

The Red flows and she smiles.

She knows its not right,

She's been told the horror stories,

But the Pain is released and she smiles and does it again,

Soon there will be Scars... beautiful pink little Scars.

Each one longer and thicker than the last,

She does it again and it doesnt hurt,

Her Pain is going and she thinks her Heart is beginning to mend,

Little does she know her Heart is being Shattered... Broken even more.

Pieces of it fall one by one to the ground,

She sees them and tries to collect them,

The wind flows and there all gone...

All gone?

"Goodbye." She whispers,

The Red flows and she looks at herself,

So many beautiful Scars... so beatiful...

What's left of her heart is Shattered, Torn, and Broken.

She lays on the ground to Drown in her Pain,

She cries and watches the Red flow from her Tattered arms,

"Goodbye Heart." She whispers,

How did it come to this... She promised... she wouldnt... She promised a friend once long ago.

Now for the first time she sees herself,

She continues to lie there,

She cries for her Broken Heart, for her Broken promise...

Alone she cries, "Goodbye Heart." She whispers one final time before the the Red takes her away.

There's not...

In so many words to really say what's been going on. Except for the fact that when I wrote that vent I was able to hold off the tears till I went to bed. I prayed to God to take away my pain and anger, becuase if I'm being honest with myself its not... its not about Chris anymore! There I said it! The wounds have healed but have left some pretty deep scars, I'm still afraid and I'm still scared that somehow the anger will find me again and the sadness with it, but whatever happiness I can get I'll take it! I'm not even sure why I was so mad... or depressed. I'm thankful to God for making me forget because I wouldn't be as happy as I am now! I must confide in this blog and say I still miss Chris, but not as much as I used to.

Well hmm I had a test today... 2 actually. And then in lunch Jess complained about why we couldn't seem to get over who we liked. It's harder for me to get emotionally close to guys now, afraid of course that I'll be broken again and that I'll let go of the happiness that I've been holding onto for sometime now. *Sigh* I'm confused on what to do now... live in the moment and wait for the return of the anger... or just wait for it?

I'm not quiet sure anymore, sorry if I'm boring you I forgot and left my homework at school! Well its due friday but still! If you get the chance listen to "Surrender" By: Barlow Girl. It's really good it should be on here I just added it, if its not http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi4kZJTbUsM go here. I'm off bye!

I'm...

Mad, angry, sad, and depressed!!!! I'm tired of everything going all happy and dandy and then blowing up in my face at the first chance of happiness! I'm tired of pretending and living in the world of make believe and really believing I'm going to get any better! Apparently I'm not! Whatever hopes and dreams I've had are pretty much crushed and are now being flushed down the toilet of despair! Normally I would find someone to tack my anger on and blame them for a couple days without them knowing but that would be wrong! Most of the time I blame Aaron, he's hardly here anyway.

I don't believe in telling someone your dating you love them the second day! How creepy and... just plain weird! I'm tired of everything just crashing down!!!!! Yes the closest thing right here, right now is the computer so I'm mad and venting BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! People really tick me off! Oohhh I'm ready to scream and just lash out, punch and just... ahhhh I don't even know I'm so flippin mad!!!!!! I feel like no one can crush my heart because lets face it, the heart I had has been ripped to shreds so many times I can barely recognize it!

Suppose once first semesters over I'll get over this... I sure hope so! It seems every things against me, one shred of happiness and I get it taken away as though I'm a child worrying her mother to death with playing with a piece of string she found on the floor! Ohhh People burn me up sometimes honestly!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to face tomorrow, I don't want to go to school! I'd rather fake sick but even that won't get me out of the on coming 'talk' that's supposedly going to take place! I'm mad and if anyone tries to talk to me...they'll be getting a mouthful!!!!!!!!!! Not my friends, just the people that are making me mad and I can count them all on one hand!!!!!!

School will be brutal tomorrow, prayer is welcome and needed! Ok well most of my anger has just burnt out at the expense of this sorta, kinda, not really long vent... they never last that long unless I'm sad then I could probably go on for days! Anyway enough of that. Please pray for me! Tomorrow is going to be an unpleasant day for some unlucky people! Oh well, I guess you learn the hard way. I'll say please once but you try and make me do something I don't want to do... you meet the anger I've held in for months and months! Don't start with me tomorrow or you'll be one of the unlucky ones!!! That's all I have to say! Good bye and Good night!

Homecoming

Was sooo much fun!!!!! I had my black dress on and my mom snapped a couple pictures of me before I left. When I got there I spied, Jenny, Megan and Morgan all on the dance floor dancing! The only ones! Of course they spied me and rushed over to drag me up there, "I can't dance!" I protested digging my heels into the floor.

They didn't care and shouted words of encouragement! "I can't dance either really but I don't care!" Jenny shouted. I sighed and began to dance, I stopped when I saw people looking so they turned my back to them and I began dancing again, laughing and smiling! It was great! Johnathon Wilson came up of his own free will during a rap song, took my hands and drug me to the middle sorta and danced with me for at least half the song. I protested at first scared, and then later when I went back, thinking someone had called on him to dance with me, I found out he came of his own free will!

Of course the floors were dirty but I didn't mind and I had the best time and even snagged me a boyfriend while I was there! hehe. Toward the end you could have found us all at the tables sucking in helium making our voices small until we were dizzy and ready to pass out! Poor Amber sucked in enough to make her voice small, but it stayed small for a good two minutes before it finally reverted back to its original tone! Jenny found her a balloon and did it, as did Julia and me and Josh.

It was fun and when I went home I found out Katie would be dinning with us today (Sunday) and we had to clean house. But I didn't mind I was in such a happy state you could have thrown a rabid cat on me! Ok well not a rabid one but a cat that's been drenched in water! That doesn't sound quiet as painful. Today is going to be sooo busy! I have the Crop Walk and in our group project I volunteered to write the one page essay we had to do. Crop Walk starts at 3 but we're meeting at the church at 2 and we have to be there by 2:30! Its insanity I tell ya! Oh well. Ok so I think lunch is about ready so I'm off! bye!

i think i need...

to calm down on the writing a bit! I'm bored and my leg hurts.... ok that's better! Hmmm.... well its like 12:10.... i have nothing to say except when Edward leaves Bella i'll hate him till he comes back! And then in Breaking Dawn.... well.... since i can't have Jacob i want Seth!!!!!! ^^ Team Jacob all the way! for those of you who've read the book... whose side are you on?! ooooohhhh POLL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i'm...

Going to bug you until Full Metal Alchemist episode 4 gets done loading! Lalalalala! *sigh* 5% this'll take a while... tomrrow is the homecoming dance! Its semi formal (ok who knows what that means?!) and i'm wearing my black dress with beads, Jenny and Amber were wanting me to go and Amber kept begging me until i finally said yes! So i'm going with them basically... lalalalalala.

i'll be bussling and hussling to get ready and all that good stuff... ok i'm going to go find a faster way to watch this episode! bye for now!

It's not helping

The music and books arent helping me in any way! I'm not supposed to be thinking that's the whole point but the closer I get to Edward's leaving Bella the giddier I get... as though she could feel the pain I feel and it seems to make me happy! A little weird I know but it feels like no one knows what I'm going through.... sometimes even I dont! Yes the Mask of Darkness is my blogger thing whatever it is... I like it!

In a way it sorta describes me... Oh well.... this is sorta a depressing post. I'm just going to write now a free write. Sorry about the depressing post of this well post! I think the rain has me down.

The rain softly pittered pattered aganist the window pane, it slid down in small little clear drops and I reached out my hand to touch the cool glass. I drew back before it even touched and let the silent tears that had built up flow. There was pain where there should be happiness and anger where there should be love!

I touched the window pane in silence and let the coolness numb my fingers. If only I could feel numb... if only... if only's swirled in my mind and I cried even harder my arms shook and the pain that I felt was even harder to let go of! Where there was pain... there was feeling! I was afraid.... to not feel.

Random thought!

Ok so in first period we were doing a project... wohoo! ugh yeah right think again! Anyway so we were talking about going trick or treating. Someone told this girl that you couldn't go trick or treating if you were 16 or older because you could get arrested for it! oh my gosh it was sooo funny! One of the guys Trevor was like, "Yeah and the police come and get you and ask, 'How old are you?' 16. 'Your under arrest for trick or treating.' and then you'd have to go in there with your costume on and the guys would be like, 'What are you in for?' Trick or Treating."

How funny would that be?! You get arrested for Trick or Treating! by the way i'm going to try and get a big group to go trick or treating with me this year! whose in?!

His Demons

Heart thumping, pulse racing

Is how he feels around you.

Staring is his only motive of ever dreaming to talk to you,

Scared... and feeling alone he know nows not the time...

To bring anyone into this misery he's created for himself.

If he brought you in like he's done to so many others,

He would be sad and afraid.

People keep trying to help him,

But it seems they only make it worse.

Why can't they just accept it,

He's not himself anymore!

He thinks he's starting to get used to the new him,

With his mask of shame and regret and all things that haunt him, he knows... he knows for sure it's not the time.

With things left unsaid and left undone he'll leave you just to protect you,

Protect you from the rage he feels about himself every night.

Protect you from the fright of who he truly is,

You can't save him now... no one ever could.

He's not one to be messed with,

He'll just blame it on you... so just leave him alone... its all you can do!

But he knows you'll come back,

So that's why he's waiting.

To scare you back off,

To show you he's protecting you from who he really is... from the demons that haunt him...

From the demons that haunt him and hold him so dear,

There his best friends... his only friends.

To the angels who have given up on him,

He knows you'll give up to... so that's why he's watiting.

Can't you see it?

He's waiting for you!

Wasted attempt (poem)

I take one step forward and three steps back,

I can't bear the pain this causes me.

I try to speak but you silence me and get angry,

You want me to talk but when I do you get mad.

I'll be talking to a total stranger,

With whitewashed walls pen and paper in hand,

Waiting for talk, but all I want is for this to end!

Needing someone anyone to hold me up,

I stumble and fall... and shut down.

I can't speak and I can't talk...

"I'm fine!" I'll shout but on the inside I bleed.

Cut me open and throw me away,

I'm useless and hated... its what they all say!

Being taunted and humiliated all my life,

Its a wonder I'm here... its a wonder I'm still fighting.

Only friends who care about me keep me in this place,

And a family who would be shamefaced and disgraced if I did it!

To cowardly to do it,

Yet not to cowardly to run I'm breathless and scared...

Alone and yet undone,

Not really here but not so far gone.

Maybe there is hope in saving me,

Or maybe its a wasted attempt!

poooooooooooster!!!!!!!!!

I have a flippin head ache yall! I'm talking to Jenny on MSN and she's talking to me on Yahoo ahahaha! and Des stopped talking so i'm assuming she's dead! hold on! Ok she's just informed me she's very much alive! Hmmm i just got an interesting e - mail some idiot thinks Christian broadcast on tv and radios should go away! idiots! if they get rid of that isnt that the violation of the 1st Amendment?! Freedom of RELIGION!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!! Gosh people make me sooo mad!

Whoever said this was a Christian country... liars! Anyway school was pretty good! I got an 85 (With test corrections) On my Physical Science test today! I was very happy and we have a work sheet due Wedesday that i'm trying to do but i can't seem to figure out... i have nothing really to say! Stray chapter... not sure will be up when i get done with it sorry for the delay lot been goin on ok i'm off and i blogged! happy Ronnie?! bye yall!

It's random time!

"No... I... I... didn't mean it.... that's not... you weren't supposed to find out!" I stammered. He just glared at me like I hadn't said a word. He held the gun in his hand inspecting it. I stepped back automatically, he looked back up at me again.

"So... if I shoot you... your not going to die?" He asked once again running his fingers over the barrel. I shook my head the last of a thousand times, Scar, at least that's what we called him since he had a lot of scars and no one knew his real name, stood behind me hand braced on my back. "Luna... how stupid do you think I am?!" He finally roared.

"Would you like me to show you! I'm a vampire! I... drink blood... not human but I still drink it! And Scar is a werewolf! Oh Vik, please believe me!" I just stood there my hands held up, for whatever reason Scar growled and walked away. "Viktor you have to believe me! Please... please believe me... I'm still the same girl you met ten years ago.... you'll always be my best friend you just have to believe me! Now are you going to shoot me or will I have to do it myself?!" I shouted holding my hand out for the gun.

He pulled back and seemed to craddle the gun. "No... Luna you'll hurt yourself." It was to much for him. I wanted to kill Scar! He shouldn't have interferred in the first place! I knew Bonnie could handle it but Vik... Vik could not.

"Vik... please." I whispered pleading. He handed over the gun, I pointed the gun at my heart and shot. Vik's eyes were wide as I first began to bend down and touch my toes, then scratch my head, I wiggled my fingers and hopped around. "I'm ok see?" I said.

I thought Vik would faint he was so white, but he didn't.

awww i thoughts it was cute!!!!!! Like it or i'll make my swarm of evil flying monkeys come after you!!!!!!! and just so we're clear, "I'll get you my pretty! and your little dog to!"

You what?!

"I'm sorry what?!" I was almost near hysteria. How in the world could Sara forget the most loudest people in her car?! Heather, and Nikki waited anxiously beside me, both were worried and fidigting.

"We left you. We forgot." Sara explained. "Just go to Belk's and we'll meet you there." Click! With that the phone went dead and I was left staring blankly at it.

"Well?" Nikki prompted.

"She really did leave us!" I cried my voice already going hoarse with the hooping and hollering and giggling that went on in the car.

"Are you serious?!" She shouted. Heather just stared off into the distance. I nodded.

"We're supposed to go to Belk's" I informed them. Off we went to Belk's well Sara called back and told us to go to the food court because that's where her car was parked and she didnt feel like driving around and getting lost again. As if our misadventure wasnt bad enough. We were supposed to go the movies, as far as our parents knew.... until Nikki and Jenny couldn't read the map they got off Google and the helpful car salseman wasnt so helpful at all!

Plus when we were on the right track we saw a fair! yep in hickory their Fall Festival thingy! We ended up at the mall. I couldnt believe now what i was hearing, we started back off into the direction of the food court.

There we found Sara and Jenny trying to keep it together when they finally broke down and told us they hadnt left us at all! In fact they had been chilling at the food court!!!!!! Yes evil i know! but it was kinda funny! We went to Starbucks and looked around until we had to leave the mall. Oh well no movie but i think what we did was better than some 'ol movie anyway! ok bye i'm ready for bed!

Faking? Probably so!

Ok so I may be totally out of line for saying this but honestly i dont care! Ok so it seems like in our school being gay and bi is sooo awesome! i honestly believe half the people are faking it! because seriously its like the fad and your cool if your gay or bi! i'm not saying everyone is i do believe there are people who are but i also believe there are fakers to!

It seems like our whole world is fake! I mean honestly, from bi, gay and lesbian to punk and people running around saying their Christians! yeah um ok! It seems like society says, "Your fake? Oh that's cool!" Ummm hello?! whatever happened to be your own person?! instead of people wanting to be cool they want to be fake! because of course if your fake your cool!

Honestly its stupid and pisses me off! sorry just my little rant for the day bye yall!

So it seems like... all is well right?

Wrong. I'm depressed and dizzy! In first I have a lot of time on my hands to think. And I have been thinking, I've been thinking about Muffin Man and I've been thinking about something else. I sometimes get depressed for no reason whatsoever... not a reason I can think of that's logical anyway. But I'm depressed again and I know why! And it sucks! And I know Ronnie will probably put some sarcastic remark like, "That's interesting. Sarcasm." Or whatever but right now I could really care less! If I dont write this down i'll explode!!!!!!!! What i hate most is thinking about what could have been and what should of been instead of living in the present!

I'm here, he's here and he's going to die and there's nothing i can do about it! he has a girlfriend so why was it that at the Apple Festival i was on a high of depression and anger! Was it because it seemed like he was flauting her in front of me, because he had messaged me saying he had a girlfriend! i figured out he was a player and it seemed like everyone knew but me! It was like they were waiting for me to realize it or afraid to make me cry again! It was like i was complete... free when i saw him and her together... well cuffed together anyway! but it seems like now i think about it and i'm not supposed to!

I swore i would never shed another tear for him and yet i'm on the verge of tears! Why is it so hard to let go of something you thought was everything you ever wanted? Commitment is hard for me now. i feel like if i ever let another guy in he'll just destory what my friends and i have already repaired! i'm so terrified and Jazz keeps saying that i want him back because i dont think i deserve better! you want the truth here it is! i feel like that! i feel like i have to meet a certain quota! I have to be this height, my boobs have to be huge and yet i have to be super skinny! Its making my go insane!!!!!!!

I feel like i will never meet a guy who likes me for me, and who isnt a player after one thing! so i settle for what i think i deserve and that's crap! I dont know why i feel like that, i really dont. But somehow i can't stop the sadness that envolpes me and holds me tighter squeezing the life out of me till i'm wondering why i even bother with anything!

the truth is, if i'm going to be honest with myself, is that i miss him and i care about him and as much as i wish i were a big part of his life like he was mine i know it wont ever happen again! so why do i even tourtre myself with it? I have no idea, and i'm afraid to sit down and think about it because if i do i'll cry and i wont cry for him not again! I hate for my friends to see me like this, hate for anybody to see like this cause then i feel weak! sorry i just needed to vent really bad... sorta helps but not really. whatever ya know?

Second day!

He's stared at me in lunch!!!!! It was insane our eyes met and i blushed and realized excatly what i was doing! Jazz and i were swaying back and forth and every time we hit i'd say, "Boop!" He looked straight at me as i said Boop, i blushed crimson and went into a fit of laughter and just stared ahead of me! It was embarrasing! he always seems to look over when i'm doing something incredibly stupid or insane! Ugh! Yesterday i was looking for the black head of Josh because our class was supposed to meet in the libary and as Jazz informed me Muffin Man looked at me!

And it also looked like i was a Meerkat! Well i have to go, i'm off to Hottopic with me mom! i'll blog later bye!

It's a matter of opinion my dear ones!

Contrary to what my friends say I think Muffin Man is cute! But apparently I need to get my glasses changed because he's so totally is ugly! Now he looks like one of the people from Who Ville! (You know the tv special you watch every year for Christmas? The Grinch that Stole Christmas) Yes my friends always think the guy I have a crush on is ugly, and as I keep reminding them its a matter of opinion! Today we talked about his nose for about 5 minutes discussing the cuteness of it and Jazz making her point about the Who Ville's noses! *sigh* It seems like the guys I like are to my friends not hot, not cute either!

My parents haven't seen him, I'm afraid they'll say the same thing but really I don't care what they think! All the guys I've dated have sorta come from a rough background and I seem to attract those kinds of guys. And they're really sweet! My friends say they are but it seems like I can never attract the normal guys that everyone finds so darn cute! Because most of the guys my friends like are preppy! No I don't go after preppy they're jerks most of 'em.

Oh well what can you do? Be strong. I turned around looking for Jess because i forgot to ask her if she was going through the lunch line and I spotted him! Of course my heart thumps and I walk slowly but diligently, each movement had to be just right! Today in first I tripped over myself and twisted my ankle a little its fine now. But here's the weird part, coming back from lunch we were close to the guy I like who we've code named Muffin Man, and I had my music in one ear and every one's voice just carried over mine so speaking a little louder was necessary.

I was telling her what idiotic thing I did in first and I kept getting tongue tied! "I tripped over my ankle!" I exclaimed loudly and blushed with embarrassment as I stumbled over what just wouldn't come out the right way! Stammering, blushing and walking right beside my crush almost... yeah I think I know what he thinks of me! Worst thing is I don't even know his name! Jess tried to help me with that yesterday by shouting, "Hey dude!" at him.

He must have not known we were calling for him because he didn't turn around thank goodness. Even though I kept telling them I could live without his name! I mean I'm shy so how would I be able to talk to him anyway?! I'm no good at that! Well that's about it I'm off to take a bath!