loner

i feel... i feel alone, i've always felt this way whether the places i'm at or the people who seem to try and act like they care about me. I know, i'm ranting about my life but i need someone.... no not someone.... just... i need confirmation that i'm being heard! i feel like an outsider looking in! i've always been like that.

For most of my life i've tried to keep quiet afraid if i said anything i would be looked at like i have four eyes. yet i dont know why people even bother talking to me and asking what's wrong when there eyes tell me they could care less! i feel alone in two of my classes alienated from the world, i dont feel like i have friends there just people who talk to me and notice me when i'm down.... i dont feel whole in those classes i feel afraid and scared that if my voice is heard they'll turn to stare at me as though i've got three eyes!

and they do, so i try to keep quiet not say anything but sometimes my voice gets the better of me.... people say i'm not who i used to be in middle school i've changed... now to the better or worse i dont know... but somehow i think its both, when i'm with my friends i feel a sense of peace and i feel totally accepted i can say the dumbest things and they dont stare at me like i have four eyes they joke back and pick with me!

I miss that and i feel a sense of longing for it, i feel like if there not right there with me i'll hypervenalte and go into convoulsions.... i hate being alone... it makes me scared and unhappy... sometimes i feel like i'm going to wake from this dream and i'm going to realize i'm a loner and i have no friends, i feel like that a lot... sometimes the lonliness is good but its becoming more of a habit that i shy away from people now even my best friends, i keep my mouth shut more often and a smile planted on my face.... my mask.....

i wake up every morning and realize if i'm having a bad day i'll put my mask on, i've wore it for years and i thought i threw it away when i hit High School but i've kept it, hidden in my mind, my heart waiting to put it back on saying, "I'm fine! Dont worry." And smiling, but on the inside i'm crumbling and waiting for someone to say, "Your lying... what's really going on?" i'm waiting for a savior to grab me and pull me back up and sit me on the ground.... i want someone to cry when i cry, and to tell me its ok even when i dont think i can get through this!

i dont want it sugar coated! i dont want someone to act like they care about me when i know they dont!!!!! i want someone real! i want someone to understand me! but the more people try to do that the more i close up! the more i shy away and act like nothings wrong! i dont want sympathy! i want someone to tell me the truth and help me!!!! i dont want your stupid sympathy and i dont want your stupid, "i'm sorry is there anything i can do?" or "are you ok?" NO I'M NOT OK!!!!!! i'm not!

So they leave me.... leave me to myself when i really want them to follow me! call me out! tell me i'm lying!!! i want someone more than ever to help me break free from myself! to long have i been wearing this mask of smiles and cheerfulness! to long! you want to see the real me?! the real me is afraid of herself! she's afraid that people hate her, she's afraid of yelling and of people looking at her like she's a freak!

I have it good at home i do! but... at school i'm no more than a loner walking by and wearing the mask i thought i threw away.... my friends.... my friends have stuck with me but sometimes i feel like they dont even know the real me.... do they?

i'm not me anymore.... but i wish i was.... i wish i was