I think....

I think its hard liking someone and being so afraid that if they said something to about changing how you looked you would do it. I think if i were ever put into that situation i would do just that change myself so he would like me better not just guys but anybody! My friends especially! I think its really sad that i've just now come to that conclusion! And the fact that i care so much about what people think i would change who i am just to make them happy! I think its sad and i dont know why that is.

I guess well i think because when i was in middle school, well more elementary to... about... hmm from 4th- 8th grade! 4 years i had no one but me and the occasional friends that moved, that were like me outcasts and i guess i've changed some appearance wise, when i was little i was pudgy i got taller so some of my pudginess has settled around my thighs so i'm more even! which is good but people loved teasing me! So i was willing to do anything to make them happy! I didnt have the best clothes like they did ya know but hey with a single mom its hard! Ok and 2 kids! Yeah dont make it any better!

Now i'm not dissing my dad in anyway but sometimes when i think about it he really didnt wanna help that much. And Aaron's tryin to see him... he's tryin to see him as he is now! Not who he was back when they were married! I dont know why i'm even bringing this up its sorta stupid but its true all the same and right now papers a couple feet from me and i guess i like having the comments because they remind me i'm not alone, and that i have friends who care about me. Yeah i know i'm gettin mushy on you guys i'm sorry but ya'll've helped me through a lot whether you know it or not!

Anyway i'm just sayin that if i did start to change because someone wants me to like in a bad way i want ya'll to slap me as hard as you can! Ronnie, Blade i mean you guys to! Ya'll are my friends to, but seriously i dont wanna change who i am but sometimes i'm afraid i'll slip up and show people the vunerable me! Today at church i almost slipped up about my arm and i had to make a quick fix but i dont think... i think he might've saw through me just a tiny bit. I was going to reveal something so... well so bad like that to him even though he showed me! I mean yeah we grew up in the same church together but... i'm not in any way ready to show any people!

Ok so anyway i'm just going from one high to another arent i? I just need to release some steam so sorry!