I'm sorry

I'm sorry i said it,
I wish i hadn't,
I wish i could take it all back.

I know your not comfertable,
I know its weird,
But i swear to you i'm not diseased.

I'm having battles with myself,
I'm trying to hold on,
But i wish you would understand me.

I feel like i'm falling,
My hands are reaching,
But i'm grabbing nothing... seeing nothing.

I wish you were here,
I wish we could talk,
I wish you wouldnt ignore this.

I wish, i wish upon a star,
But what would wishing upon a star get me,
What would wishing period get me?

I'm sorry i'm like this,
I'm scared and afraid,
But please dont let me go.

Please dont look at me different,
Please just hear me out,
In this curcial time... i need you the most!

Maybe its nothing,
Maybe its just a scare,
But what if it isnt would you still be there?

I think....

i think that if Jenny, Sara, Angel, or Raven were to ever look at me differently or treat me differently i wouldnt be who i am. I think i'd lose myself along the way and i think that i wouldnt be able to hold my head up high. Jenny i'll be on webkinz tonight as long as i can and i'll try to sign onto yahoo later on to... i just need someone to talk to right now.

You know your a redneck when....

The only hang out is Wal mart.

You play hide and go seek in Wal mart.

You record it!!!!!!!!

That's what we did and we babysat Nikki's 7 yr. old neighbor and i hated it! I thought i was going to shoot myself! I'm sorry but she was sooo loud! We got yelled at cause of her! Ok seriously, i just dont want to have a 7 yr. old following us around! we acutally lost them about a good 7 times and each time was better than the last ok well i'm off for now good bye!

Good day!

Its been amazing! Yesterday Sara and Jenny spent the night with me and we had the best time! They showed me how to work Webkinz which i know offically own 2! My mom had a pink poodle one and i named her Alice and i bought my very own today and i named him Jasper i just have to get him set up! ^^ we went to the mall and if you've never done this you should! With friends play hide and go seek! I'm serious it was the best! You stay in a store for 3 mins and you can't leave until a.) 3 mins are up or b.) they come in your store! And you can't go to Home which for us was Hot topic until a.) there 3 1min calls are up, or b.) they see you or c.) they come in your store!

Lets see i just got home and tomorrow before Nikki leaves we're going to visit her which means i need to start on her present!!!!! Ok well i'm off! good bye!

Say it only once!

i'm in a pissy mood today and a lot of crap has just been going on. Such as people just being stupid also Jenny remember to bring your camera again and i'll make sure to bring mine k? ok well this isnt much of a post but ima go write some catch ya'll later!

Well...

i got a new ipod... ok mp3! theres a pic of it! aint it sooo cool? Its 4gb i'm tired now off to bed with me bye!

Its like this....

My ipod as i found out wont charge and probably because the case i used for it is magnitized, and so is the inside as Josh used my bracelet to figure out! anyway, my ipod seriously gets me so pissed off i cry! But i think its just the fact that if you add onto the stress i've got now, plus adding one more tiny thing just sends me off the brink of sanity into the pool of insanity! This is something i wrote a day or two ago!


The waters cold... cold and well... just cold... oh yeah and murky to. I guess that's how i'd describe what's really going on deep down. Just a bunch of crap and friends behind you making chicken noises in the background to get you to just dive in! But then there could be snakes, water snakes and bugs and well what if you drown? What if you forgot how to swim?!


Hmm seems like everyone but me is ready to dive into the water, in its unknown depths... but sometimes i think there's something waiting for me, just waiting for me to jump in so it can pounce on me and then something bad'll happen like usual! Or maybe i'm over reacting and the murky relfection of me isnt wearing that goofy grin that's just plastered there on her face, waiting for someone to rescue her!


Maybe the water's fine... and maybe we all every once and a while have to jump in and see what's really hidden beneath the nasty surface, there could be something good down there right? Maybe and maybe not so why not just jump on in.... i mean everyone says the waters fine right? They wouldnt lie to me would they?


(now to add more to it) People lie all the time! So the water could be alligator infested and they would probably lie to me just to get me in! And then the alligators would eat me and then i'd probably die! Can't it be enough that i'm standing here at the edge my toes barely touching the water? I mean why should i jump in? Change sucks.... so maybe the water represents change? I dont know but it seems like if i jump in then i'll drown... and no one will save me from the cold depths!


But it couldnt be that bad right? It shouldnt matter should it? I should be able to do what i want and not be pressured into taking a dive into the water... but as everyone says its fine... i mean how could it not be? I guess i'll take the dive... what could it hurt anyway?

Song... i think?

What i want is for you to love me
What i need is for you to tell me the truth
Stop ripping my wings apart and let me fly!

The moon may shine and the sun may glow
But from the dark comes you
With pain you held high and love you smothered.

To early was i placed into a world i didnt know,
Where people shoved and kicked
Played mind games to destroy what was left of my insanity!

The moon may shine and the sun may glow
But from the dark come you
With pain you held high and love you smothered.


I'm not sure what it is... a small poem? Or a song.... you decide!

Does it even matter?!

One way or another i'm just going to screw something up!!!!!!! Today's agenda, how about ME SCREWING EVERYTHING UP LIKE ALWAYS!!!!!!!! I'm tired of it, tired of being the one who just screws it up! What does it matter anyway! My mom keeps saying i have to love myself for someone else to love me but i just... i can't love myself! When i look in the mirror i'm pointing out what's wrong with me! Or if i'm not doing that i'm beating myself up!

On a daily basis! Maybe that's why i'm so tired all the time? Or just so depressed because i'm always beating myself up! I dont know if it comes with just being a teenage girl or what sorry guys but i dont see many of you beating yourselves up and endulging in chocolate to make your problems go away... well to try and make them go away shall i say! Seems like everyday i always do something to screw someone over!

I sleep fine but i wake up tired and ill like always but Aaron's girlfriend Katie does the same thing as me so i'm assuming its age and the fact that all girls go through this? Now for those of you with some smart A comments here's to you! I know people have it worse than me! I know that, i know i may be throwing a pity party but you know what you can do with your comment?! SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT BECUASE I AINT LISTENING I'M HAVING A HORRIBLE DAY AND IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH ME GO AHEAD!!!!!!!! I DARE YA!!!!!!!!!! I'm pissed, i'm tired and if anyone messes with Jenny again i swear i'll take my water bottle and shove it so far up there butt it'll have to be surgically removed from their nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dont mess with her, if you do you mess with me! Remember that!!!!!!!!

Today sucks! I've been embarrassed and i'm ready to punch my ipod becuase its not charging and the fact that... ahhhhhhhhhhh why would you care anyway! Who even cares what does it matter, its just another day! It'll pass right?! Whatever! Who cares anway?!

I think....

I think its hard liking someone and being so afraid that if they said something to about changing how you looked you would do it. I think if i were ever put into that situation i would do just that change myself so he would like me better not just guys but anybody! My friends especially! I think its really sad that i've just now come to that conclusion! And the fact that i care so much about what people think i would change who i am just to make them happy! I think its sad and i dont know why that is.

I guess well i think because when i was in middle school, well more elementary to... about... hmm from 4th- 8th grade! 4 years i had no one but me and the occasional friends that moved, that were like me outcasts and i guess i've changed some appearance wise, when i was little i was pudgy i got taller so some of my pudginess has settled around my thighs so i'm more even! which is good but people loved teasing me! So i was willing to do anything to make them happy! I didnt have the best clothes like they did ya know but hey with a single mom its hard! Ok and 2 kids! Yeah dont make it any better!

Now i'm not dissing my dad in anyway but sometimes when i think about it he really didnt wanna help that much. And Aaron's tryin to see him... he's tryin to see him as he is now! Not who he was back when they were married! I dont know why i'm even bringing this up its sorta stupid but its true all the same and right now papers a couple feet from me and i guess i like having the comments because they remind me i'm not alone, and that i have friends who care about me. Yeah i know i'm gettin mushy on you guys i'm sorry but ya'll've helped me through a lot whether you know it or not!

Anyway i'm just sayin that if i did start to change because someone wants me to like in a bad way i want ya'll to slap me as hard as you can! Ronnie, Blade i mean you guys to! Ya'll are my friends to, but seriously i dont wanna change who i am but sometimes i'm afraid i'll slip up and show people the vunerable me! Today at church i almost slipped up about my arm and i had to make a quick fix but i dont think... i think he might've saw through me just a tiny bit. I was going to reveal something so... well so bad like that to him even though he showed me! I mean yeah we grew up in the same church together but... i'm not in any way ready to show any people!

Ok so anyway i'm just going from one high to another arent i? I just need to release some steam so sorry!

Excited much?!

Ok sooo i get excited over the most random things ever!!!!! I went to The Family Christain Book Store today and you'll never guess what i got!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 PLUMB CDS FOR $10!!!!!!!!! how cool is that?! i have yet to unstick them because ya know when you have to take that wrapper off of 'em yeah they stuck woooooooooooo!!!!! Ok and last night i had another weird dream! This time my dad had oodles of 8gb ipods in the freezer, and he was going to give them to the homeless peoples to sell so they could have some money!

The answer to the question everyone has asked me! I dont know why he didnt just sell them and give them the money! and then Jenny popped up and just grabbed one and the reason they were in the freezer was because he didnt want them to over heat!

Yeah i'm not sure either! today i didnt get yelled at!!!! wooooo!!!!!! i have yet to finish chapter 2 but i shall get on that tonight if i can. well i feel disappointed... i'm not sure why but i feel well i do know why but i'm mad at Aaron... and sad. he's sad so i'm sad... i dont know its a lot right now to deal with but i dont think paradise is going to be paradise for much longer... i just wonder how much more they can survive before one just gives up and ends it for the rest of them....

Love it?! Heck yes!

I love Three Days Grace! Never to Late! If you havent seen the video i'll hunt you down and kill you! not before i force you to watch the video! ^^ Violent yes today in first we had to write 5 things that stress us and all that crap... it stressed me out! I'm not even kidding! It really did i thought i was going to have to shoot myself! In second i got yelled at a lot! hahaha Blade and Donna are my witnesses i wouldnt stop talking! ^^ hey i do my homework unlike some people! *shifty eyes to Blade* 0.o hahaha ok well whatever.... i posted a new video up on here no not Three Days Grace.... its got me and Sara in it... chip racing contest! 0.o hahahaha V.V' ok i'm off to try and finish chapter 2 of my story oh yeah go to the link posted at your right and read it and let me know what ya think please?

Dreams!

Ok so i had 3 freaky dreams! one was about me trying to be killed in a trailer park! ok no idea from the Wife Swap guy (one of the husbands) the second i was bein raped! me and mom were about to by 2 extremely fat guys and the other was at my church and if i didnt eat a sandwhich which i knew had something in it i was going to be rebuked! i thought he was going to kill me but then Sara popped up and we were saved and this guy was talkin to the sandwhich one about going to the Brian Center and i threw my sandwhich at him! ok please help me if you can tell me what the heck it means i'm all for it! i should also mention that God was talking to me in the first one! he told me something along these lines, "Your going to be ok and i'll be here with you." and then something about makin it out alive of 09 i have no clue!

http://www.newagedirectory.com/dream/dictionary.htm told me this!
gun - Self with gun: Ready to assert one's will over the subject. Gun threatening you: Others wishing to assert their will over you. You are encouraged to take action about something and not remain complacent. (ok i didnt see the gun but when i was waking up i knew he was pulling it out does that count?)

kill & murder - You kill: You are fighting back against your fear or desire to eliminate something from your life. You are killed: You are removed from your emotions and feelings caused by the situation you are in. (i was the one trying to be killed!)

voice - May be a message for you. The Higher Self is getting your attention. (still 1st one)

onto 2nd dream! that turned into 3rd!

rape - You feel used or your integrity violated by someone or circumstances that was forced upon you. (my mom and i were tryin to be raped but i told the guy to lay down and spread his legs so i jumped up and down on his balls like a trampoline and we escaped plus my ankle hurt in the dream! and its still swollen and hurts some)

now the 3rd one!
Food: Did you ever notice that when you take a nap after you’ve eaten lunch that you can have some crazy images go through your mind. The same thing happens at night too, because food can trigger some wild and wacky dreams. If you enjoy these psychedelic excursions, then take note of what you had to eat before hand and repeat the process. On the other hand, if you’re not interested, then take note of what you ate and make certain to avoid eating whatever it was. Food is one of the generators of dreams, which are not worth interpreting. (i didnt this morning before i left my dads to go to my moms the very last thing i had was a small Mr. Goodbar bite sized!)

Waiting? Wait no more!

Here is the sight to get to my story!

http://gaurdianofwriting.blogspot.com/

Ok that's the exert i posted on here so go check it out and let me know what you think! the link is also on the right if you dont feel like scrolling down! ^^