Just not so sure

I'm just not so sure as i used to be about my future... do you ever get that way? I mean i used to be so sure of what i was going to do now I'm getting funny feelings and I'm confused. Frankly i hate that, i spend more of my time in my room writing and thinking. I know that's not bad but still i used to be so sure of my course in life and now i don't know anymore and it pisses me off to no end!

Then just recently i did something pretty stupid, no i didn't cut my arm something else. Now I'm not so sure of my course anymore because of it. I guess i could start blaming myself again for being an idiot and bringing up a subject that should always be closed, and never reopened because it brings disaster to whom ever it touches! I'm so glad tomorrow is my last exam because i don't think i can take school much longer, well the first semester anyway! I just need to be alone for a while and even then that's not helping my problem.

I wish i could tell someone everything about this. Some random stranger that will just listen, well not really a stranger but someone who wont judge me who'll just shut up and listen, preferably a guy because i need some guy input on some of this. *sigh* Its just hard to deal with sometimes, but I'm getting better at it and I'm not as depressed as i once was when it happened which is good, it means something.

But the scars on my arm remind otherwise which in turn opens up the topic to talk about once more, and its in plain view so i can always see it forever and always, so i can explain to my friends what really happened to my arm instead of i just fell. Or a bike accident, well the ones i trust most anyway. Sometimes i think i really do need to be committed to a mental hospital i mean seriously! who does that?! grrr ahhhh! Ugh ok whatever i just need to get over it right? I just need to not think about it! But with three scars sittin on my there on my arm, one more pinker than the others, geez its not hard to see!

Ok soooo I'm totally insane! Maybe i should be committed, to..... where ever there's a good mental hospital. But i can't blame anyone but myself......... actually i could blame one other person! ahhh no must not open up the subject grrr! Once again my fault and I've been singing while venting so if you can't understand it well to bad!