It seems like...

Things are changing before my eyes and my work hours are depleting! Ugh its killing me! And now i'm on the phone and my friend is actin like such a total dork but that's why i love her so much! I'll be a senior this year! Wow its finally here and i never thought it would come! I always thought i'd be the dorky little freshman who depended on her bro to get her through high school, which he never did. Now he's gone to college and i'm a senior! It feels so weird, but at the same time i'm so excited! I'll be going to my very first prom this year! ^^ Oh yeah i'm one of the weird ones who waits till her senior year to go!

I'm nervous but so physched! I keep tellin Jenny if i dont have a date i'm draggin her with me. I so hope i have a date, i'm excited about going! I love dressing up and looking all fancy and havin somewhere to go, besides just goin to stores and tryin it on and tryin to figure out where i'd wear it to! I cant stop smiling, my thoughts are so jumbled it seems! I'm very happy to say thanks to Mrs. D i now have a Celtic Woman Cd and thanks to Confuzzy (that's what i call her) for one of my favorite songs!

Scarborough Fair! Its soooo beautiful! I'm strangely not tired, i'm trying to finish the cd and not change it to my now 3 favorite well 4 now 5 favorite songs ok so far i love the whole cd! My mind wont let me go to sleep now! Oh well i'll stay up late and go to bed whenever good night for now i'm off to do something not sure what... guess i'll watch tv.

Somethings are working...

Haruhi is starting to want to work again, now if only her screen would behave its like looking at it in negative. Anyway i've been waiting for a certain someone to ask something, and dropping hints isnt my specialty! My mind has been racing for the past couple days and i blame hormones for making me so darn crazy! I cant stop thinking about this one thing it just nags my mind and brings a smile to my face and i'm happy but then something else in the depths of my mind nags and i'm sad for even thinking it!

Most of you know the story of someone i really cared for passed away. I'm so terrified of letting the memory of him slip away i've shut everyone out and forgotten how fun dating is! I really like this guy and i finally got the courage and just told him then logged off yeah i know its soooo corny but with Jenny on the other line i was able to do it. I was so nervous i thought i was going to cry and that's never happened before! But anyway i've been terrified of letting the memory go and its become sort of a crutch i use to get people to stray away from me.

I lean heavily on it and i'm afraid to walk without it. I miss him dearly and i know i do at some point have to move on but it feels like no one in the world understands! They keep trying to help me and it just feels like i dont want to help myself. Sometimes i feel like i want to wallow in the misery, i keep searching for a way out and when someone provides the answer i run away scared tail tucked between my legs. This crutch is something i feel like i cant let go of.

My friends have all told me before, "Maybe he is watching over you. He would want you to be happy." And as much as i know that to more than likely be true i still find myself slipping back slowly towards the doubt. Over analyzing is what i do to protect myself from ever getting hurt again. I'm sure i've pretty much annoyed all my friends but they've managed to stick by me and helped me get out what i'm trying to get out.

Jenny and Sara have seen me at my lowest points, Sara and i even drowned ourselves in chocolate one time. Jenny's listened and always provided a shoulder as has Sara and she's quick with the advice, fluent in what she's talking about and i'm starting to follow some of it. I've started a journal where in my code i write letters i havent done it very often because everything i've wanted to scream i've done it in my head. Sometimes i feel so crazy for doing it but then i feel a little better each time i do.

This week has been a tough one, last week was to but i'm glad to be able to have reassurance that i know someone is watching over me. Even if i do screw up, its ok because that's what life is isnt it? Messing up, fixing it, loving others, just being who we are. Not sure where that last line came from something my mind is known to conjure up. So i'm done for now.

Slowly...

Going insane without my phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dropped Haruhi (my cell phone yes i named her!) In water yesterday and my mom says it might take a week or so to get her back to normal she says 9/10 times if you let it dry out for a week it'll be good as new. I MISS HER! Ugh i'm sooooo bored! Now i'll have to tell my boss if she wants me early for work she'll have to call the house................. i'm boooooored!

Is it worth it?

It feels like someone just stabbed a knife in my heart and is twisting it around until the pain becomes unbearable. My heart aches and the tears i've carefully hidden threaten to fall once again. So much is going through my head and yet no one seems to be out there. I'm falling apart at the seams and everyone thinks i'm ok. My heart is breaking into a million pieces and once again i ask myself why couldnt i be the coward i am and keep my mouth shut. I know i cant handle this right now. I'm breaking, and falling and i'm tearing at the seams. Nothing is working, no one is there. So why am i still here?

War

This is a poem written for my brother.

I really wish you wouldnt do this,
Wish you'd just leave me out,
The truth i can handle,
The fire i cant put out.

I know this is your life,
You may do with it what you wish,
But for once i'm begging you,
Just dont do this!

You have your own rights,
I understand your growing up,
But please i'm still begging you,
Just dont do this!

Maybe its time i decide to stand up,
But I realize i'm just not ready yet,
I'll do this on my own time,
Maybe you'll forget.

I hate this war that goes on between you two,
What i really ask from you,
Is dont make me choose sides,
Its not something i can do.

Just promise me just this one thing,
Leave me out is all i want,
For peace from you two,
From this ever raging war.

Story Time!

I just wanna write and see where it goes!


He felt the zap almost like something had went through him but stopped just inside his gut. He felt the surge of power being pulled and dragged, thrashed around like a rag doll in a dogs mouth. He doubled over and Anjahli rushed towards him, "Muyami!" She cried shaking him. He rolled on his stomach and wrapped his arms securely around his middle as if it would fall apart with each tug and pull of power.

Ok this one stops i have somethin else that's nagging me.

"Stand down!" Skyler commaned his voice was strong and Ryane drove harder into Dark with her sword. "Stand down Ryane!" He commanded.

"No! I have to kill him! I have to!"She cried. Tears rolled there way down her cheeks and she pushed the sword in Dark's gut harder. "I can't do what he says anymore... can't owe him any more favors."

"Stand down!" Sky's voice echoed through the trees and Muyami gripped his middle tighter. The pain wouldnt let up and if Ryane didnt stop using her energy and his to they'd both be in serious trouble.

"No." Her voice was defiant.

"Trenton didnt die to have you do this! Now stand down!" Sky shouted.

Ryane stopped her eyes grew wide and she dropped to her knees. Dark pulled the sword out and the hole where it had once been sealed shut. Once he had left she got up as well and ran the opposite way of the house. "Your going to go get her right?" Leah asked hip cocked.

"Yeah... i am." Sky turned and ran after her.

"Muyami? You ok?" Tash bent down next to him. His breathing became regular again and with Anjahli's help he was up and ready to go. "Back to the house we go i guess."

Sky's heart raced, not from the run but for fear of the place he knew Ryane would go. He found the lights on in the storage house they, all but Ryane, called. He walked in and found her on the couch surronded by photo albums, glass littered the floor. He had forgotten how fast she could run and how fast she could destory things when her emotions raged. "He left.... me." She whispered looking up at Skyler.

Sky walked over and dropped down beside her. "You know why he let you go so easy? Trenton i mean." Sky started.

Ryane shook her head. "Because he knew you loved me at the time, and i loved you." Past tense. It rang in Ryane's ear making her next sentence hard to force out.

"What... am i... to you?" She choked out not able to find her legs.

"You are everything to me Ryane. Everything. And its not because you keep me alive, which you dont do very well. You could have gotten killed. But not the point Ryane your my everything." He said pulling her close.

"So where does that leave us?" She pulled back out of his grasp and finding her legs began to pick up the broken glass and ripped up pictures.

Skyler gently grabbed her shoulders and forced her to meet his gaze. "I dont know. I really dont Ryane. I wish i did but i dont and.... i really do love you." He said and she realized how close he was.

Her face turned a crimson red and she didnt fight or try and pull away. "I... I love you to." She whispered. He brought her close and touched his lips to hers, this time she didnt hesitate she kissed him back. She pulled away when a sharp sensation pierced her skin, "Ow!" She looked down and realized she had glass in her hands.

"Same old Ryane." He said getting up to get some towels. He came back and pressed them against her palm where the bleeding had started. She got on the couch and when Sky was settled she placed her head on his chest her eyes slowly closing.

"Lets stay here tonight. We'll go home tomorrow." She whispered.

"Yeah, ok. I love you Ryane." He said pulling the cover off the back of the couch and gently placing it on her.

"Love you to Sky." She said and then like a blanket covering her she was asleep.

"Trenton. You really did love her, probably more than me you gave her up so we could be together. I'll never forget that." Sky said as darkness over took him.

"Skyler... take care of her for me please. Take care of her." Trenton said.

"I will you know i will. I love her she's everything to me." Skyler replied not sure where the conversation was leading.

"I'm not going to be here forever. Something's going to happen to us, she'll be all you have left. She's not exactly good at keeping anyone alive but she can do it... just be good to her. She'll need someone." He looked up into the night sky and laughed.

"What do you mean? What's going on?" Sky asked.

"Chaos is going to try something. I dont know when, how or what. We're going to be killed, you and Ryane won't. And man seriously dont let her think its her fault i know she will, dont let her! I dont want her in pain and end up doing something stupid! Ok you got me?" Trenton said serious again.

"Yeah, yeah i understand. I will." Skyler looked up at the sky and shook his head.

Wondering?

Well for those of you wondering where i ran off to here's the play by play, i've mostly been grounded and at a work, i just got off groundence and back here the 5th and now i've mostly been at work and just sometimes getting on here! Ugh yeah i know i need to check things more often sorry i do love you guys really i do! Ok now i have to go again because i have to do yardwork love ya bye!

Just because...

Just because i felt like writing yet another blog, i'm tired. The mall was pretty good today, yesterday Sara and i dined on chocolate hahaha it was quiet good. I dont really know i'm just bored and wanting to do something with my hands as i'm waiting patiently for Chapter 4: Gone to be in my head so i may write down more things for it because i have like a page and that's it! Oh wait yeah Jenny and Sara know about it but some of you dont. I dont really wanna talk about it so i'll just say this, its a story with my friends in it.... Ronnie, Blade your in chapter 3! Hahahaha it was Alice and Wonderland themed! I'll let you guys guess who you were and what you were doing!

You'd get what you were doing right but who you were i doubt it! ^^ Have fun with that and now if you'll excuse me i'm tired. Bye!

I dont know!

I feel so confused, scared and just worried! I'm getting ahead of myself let me start by saying this week has not been good! I'm just tired and i'm depressed and i dont really want to talk about it but then again i want nothing more than to vent and rant and yell and scream! Of course i do rant and yell and scream but sometimes that doesnt help. Sometimes i feel better keeping it in, placing a smile on my face and shoving it into the depths of my mind. I'm happier with friends most people know this, alone i feel sometimes like a train wreck.

I feel very lonely right now, like no one in the world understands me. Sometimes i can sit for a while and just stare blankly at nothing. I get so caught up in that one thing i lose track of time and i have nothing to worry about. Just staring blankly at work doing dishes was enough to make me forget about everything but what i was doing at that point and time! Sometimes i just want to scream and rave and rant but that's not really going to help anything it just gets out in the open and makes it the topic of discussion at the time!

Not something i really want either. I feel like i'm slowly losing my mind, just one day at a time i'm slowly forgetting.... and slowly i'm forgetting what i was going to say. I feel like theres this giant hole in my heart that needs to be plugged so no more.... well so nothing can seep out so no one can see and know what i really feel.

I feel awful and just plain worn out, i can sleep for hours on end and still wake up tired! There are some days when i'm truly happy and other days i'm just forcing the smile, see a pattern? I do, its not a good one i'll admit but its the one i've been traveling and the one i'm not ready to give up. The one that's worn with my feet trecking over it time and time again yet i still dont want to give it up because if i do i'll be forced down a new path, one i have yet to travel.

Sometimes i feel like i'm stepping into my own depth of fears, there like waves coming in and playing around the edges of your feet. The ocean is so clear from a far distance and you can see everything in it, but once you've stepped in only then do you realize how dark and murky it is and how far you really are. Its then i realize all the things i've forced back into the depth of my mind have found there way to the surface and are ready to come spewing out.

So biting my tounge i say nothing else. I'm so confused right now it just seems there is one person who can make it all better, who can just listen and let me talk. But even then sometimes i dont want to tell them, i dont want them to think of me as weird, or horrible, or whiny but then again would it ever matter?

Sometimes i wonder if it would matter to anyone else besides my friends if i slowly stopped talking and just shut everyone one out and became the person i most fear.

Back... for now

Yeah i've been grounded sorry i havent said anything. A lot has been going on this past month, somethings i want to talk about others i just keep in my head. Its always nice to see a friend you havent seen since Vacation started... well its nice until the point their friend comes over and they completly ignore you. I will say this now i may be back off again soon and i'd rather not explain. I'm tired i've been up since 5:30 this mornin and i see no sign of me going back to bed anytime soon! i've had so much on my mind lately that at work one of the twins scared me half to death! Oh yeah i have a job now! Haha.



I wish for once i was able to let the past be the past and not keep poking and prodding it. But for whatever reason i can never leave it alone, i just want to get hurt again it seems. Ugh, well i'll deal with that bridge when it comes to it. Hopefully Monday Sara and i will be off to the mall lookin at cute guys! There is one guy i do like that does go to our school, wait 2 sorry i forgot one that's bad but oh well. Any way i'm gone i need to get a shower and start gettin ready or at least sleep a little before church! Bye now!