Welcome...

Welcome, welcome again i might add. For some reason i think i have another date with doom, another date where my heart gets shattered... once again. Even though i keep saying I'll be ok and fine Jazz seems to point out to me that last time, and the last after that! Even though i see her point, its not changing anything I'll be fine and the more i say it the more i believe it! So I'm a little screwed up from last time, doesn't matter my hearts not whole anyway and time and patience just isn't my thing! The more i say it the more i believe that i really will be fine, but seriously what's wrong with me?

After calling out my faults i felt so venerable! "You said you'd give him one more chance! You did and now your doing it again." She said... and then i heard it... the gasp... no not that the break down and i knew she was crying... for me! But why for me?! I'm not that special, really I'm not really worth that much yet she was crying for me... for my safety? "The red stuff that drips from your wrist... yeah that's called blood!"

"Haha that's funny Jazz." I stated.

"It's not meant to be funny." And i knew what she meant right then and there.

"Does God want you to ruin your own happiness just to make someone else happy? I don't think he does! Why are you always so selfless! You need to be a little selfish once in a while!" She stated.

I was selfish, i could be at times but this time was different and no matter what I'm just so confused. On the one hand i would destroy my own happiness to make him happy, and on the other i know God doesn't want me to do that... but how do i stop? I kept saying one more chance to her, that seemed to be the magic number... or was it 5?! "Maybe i should stop jumping to conclusions." I said and heard her sigh on the other end of the line.

I did jump to conclusions easy and i was ready for her stop pestering me about him... and i knew and still do... that what I'm doing is probably the most idiotic thing but what happens when the one who broke you is the only one who can repair you?! Its hard to give up anything I've ever wanted and dreamed of having and until someone comes up and accuses me of my fraud... and who lets me yell and scream and cry and doesn't give me advice who actually just listens and pats me on the back or just holds me and lets me cry... that'll be the day they hear about my life and about how I'm screwing it up! Because apparently i do that all to well! I'm sorry if i want him to be happy! I'm sorry if i would demise my own happiness for his but i care about him so much and would do anything for him and he knows that!!! But is Jazz right? Is she right when she says he using that to his advantage? So much to think about.... so little time.