Yep i think i'm finally going through it, i will Drabble just not right now. I have a lot on my mind and seeing everyone so down today has finally, i think made me crack! I'm down, so very down right now that i dont even think Jazz's cheery words can bring me up from my slums! I mean seriously, i knew this would happen. I knew i would get attatched, i knew i would believe every lie he told me, i knew i would fall for him once again, i knew that he would stop texting and i would alone to face this once again, i knew it all and yet i pushed it to the depths of my mind so i could focus on now! So i could focus on him, and him alone!
My mind was screaming for me to not do this, reminding me of all the times as my friends had and yet my heart was pounding whole and with such joy i couldnt refuse. Saying something is so much easier than having to act upon it. And of course like a spoil sport Jazz reminded of what i was supposed to do, he's gone and as predicted i'm going through detox, acutually i thought it would have happened sooner like on Saturday and i had Jess to cheer me up if i needed her, but it held off until now.
I thought maybe it wont, but it was waiting for the right time to spring up on me and shout every thing about him that i love, and i know with everything, every broken part of me i have to move on and i have to forget... but i have to remember first, i have to remember and i have to deal with it in a healthy way and that's going to be so hard for me. I'm terrified of letting go because i have an excuse with him now, why i'm afraid to love, i can blame on him and why i'm just afraid of even the word i can blame on him! Why would i want to give all that up?! Why?!
It's so much easier to pin the blame on him then to have to relearn love and relearn trusting someone you cared for that has shattered until you resemble nothing! How can i trust again? How can i realize not all guys are like that? And as people say there are plenty of fish in the sea, what if they're all like that? What if i dont want a fish? What if instead i want a prince? I dont want to love some slimy creature that can't remember anything but what he wants and thinks he needs and when he doesnt get it swims away! i want someone to pull me out of this pond and to make me theirs.
To heal this broken heart and to not break it again because i'm afraid! I'm afraid to love and i'm afraid to date, i want someone who will mend me and not break me who will just be there for me. Wether he come now (that would be nice) or later but who will be there for me when i can't be there for myself. When i can no longer stand and i'm tired someone who will pick me back up, i want that and instead i'm in a pond infested with disgusting nasty fish! I want to be out of here, my clothes are soggy, my hearts broken, and i'm pretty sure the fish know my motives! And they seem to be pulling me downwards making it harder for them to reach... making it harder for my prince. But like i said, there are no happy endings.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Detox 101
Posted by Rosebud at 1:21 PM
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42 Wolves:
DO you want to hear my honest opinion?
Even if you don't I'm going to say it. I think you waste your time an thinking about this stuff. You'll be much happier if you base your happiness on your self than on others.
if you can tolty heal your heart you are a beter than me. :( once broken i only have pieces left and i wont git another broken heart for i stop things like. :l
:(
put that at the end
Somehow you make sense, look i'm so used to making everyone be happy i forgot somewhere how to make myself happy! So if someone's having a bad day i'm spending my energy helping them to recover! I dont know how to not do that, its how i am! and he made me happy and now i dont know what to do without him because i'm so used to having him here! and he's gone and he only keeps in touch whenever he wants to and i still love him to death! so try dealing with that everday!!!!
Trust few, and when those few break that trust, forgive, and if you can't forgive, forget. Friendship is a better bond than "love".
look i get attatched to easy ok! i'm sorry if i'm a sucker for lies! sorry that i trust every person i happen to come across! yes i trust you and Blade so i'm sorry! you may be right about the friendship but i believe love is just as strong. i love Jazz like a sis and our bond is pretty strong!
I didn't mean love. I meant "love".
and it well take years to even dull the love and i think you and me feed of other moods you git more out of makeing some one else feel something than you gist feeling it.:)
If that makes sense.
by your self 'at end'
yes it does and Blade your exactly right! i cant make myself be happy if i know Jazz is sad or Jess is upset or Aaron or you guys for that matter! yes i care about you guys! your nice to me and i get attatched easy!
it dos i sould konw
by yourself 'at end' what's that mean?
Everyone has different ways of dealing with crap. I strictly control my emotions. Unfortunately, I can lose control. (Think of Hurricane Katrina)
dang it i miss spell a lot
Yeah, you do :)-BlAde-did you put some Gangsta' Rap on my playlist?
end of last post
i can put more:)
Jerk. But I guess it's fair. :)
yes but i get the general idea of what your saying - Blade (that's for you)
Now Ronnie on to your comment, Hurricane Katrina was bad... i've never seen you anything other than insanely happy! maybe mad once or twice but that's about it.
i have 21 comments well i did and at first i thought you guys comment spammed me!
Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him?
Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him?
think of M.D.W. the one who destord my life:( and still loveing her x(
.......? I'm going to go take a bath! if i come back and there are spams i'll killing the buck who done it!!!!!!!!!!!
M.D.W? who is that?
gandalf off fighting a balor
Actually, I try to keep it so that I don't feel any emotion. I can't remember the last time I felt anger, and I try suppress the Extremes (because they can cloud judgment). I just play the part of jester.
And Chelsey, if we spammed you the number would be closer to 200. :)
megan d. wonder real name of my only love that dident love me my obbsion or how aver you spell the word
so that means Thursday when i come i'm going to have to kill not only you but Blade as well.... 1st per. might not see him! hahaha!
*is trying very hard not to correct spelling* ahhhh but i must! obession, ohhh well its ok *pats you on the back and hands you a teddy bear* guess where i got the teddy bear from Ronnie! think about 4th per. last year!!!! ahahahahaaha!!!!!
kill? hummm
ps this is the most emotion in comment we left
ps lets ceep it that way
ronnie i have your jackit and lets go to you bolg
this is like our little heart to heart! so i'm not allowed to randomly hug you guys when i see you tomorrow? i just like giving hugs to people!
":l
Not big on the physical contact. Never know when a knife'll end up in your back.
Oh sorry-didn't change profiles-and the new Gambini's up.
hummmmmmm
ronnie look at you blogs comment the last ones
They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!
so i can't hug you? *is sad*
It's nothing personal.:) and i never said you couldent
very nice copying my little comment thing! haha!
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