Venting!

I just need some where to vent! Something to vent to and writing helps me, do not think i'm acutally going to do this, i'm not i just need some were to vent!!

Sometimes when i'm walking to my car, especially after a stressful day at school i wonder if i werent here any more who would miss me... would anyone? Then i feel like slapping myself of course my parents would, my friends to i guess. Sometimes it takes all the strength i have to just ignore that one annoying person, wether it be over something stupid or not! I just try and hold my self up high and remember there just trying to get their friends to laugh, maybe a joke out of me.

That's when i miss Aaron most, we used to pick and sometimes it takes all i have not to burst into tears in the middle of class. Sometimes it takes all i have not to cry for no reason at all, for me crying is a way to relieve stress and it helps clear my already crowded head. I try not to let some people in because i'm afraid of what they'll think of me. So i tend to clam up and stick to someone i know and if i cant, i'm lost in a millon faces each one bumping, pulling, dragging, me away from where my safe harbor is.

All i can do is swim back breathless and try to hold myself up high, square my shoulders back and show people that i'm alive... when all i really want is to crawl under a hole or become invisible... to those around me. I feel lost sometimes, and those are my weakest times where i struggle to for someone to understand me, i take three steps back and one step forward afraid each corner i turn will hold the ultimate humiliation for me. And i'll have to face it alone.

Three steps back, one step forward, eight steps back puts the corner farther back if only i could delay it, but unwillingly my feet march forward. Around the bend, nothing holds my interest only new faces staring at my rosy red cheeks, my head bent down and my feet shuffling forward breath caught.

Sometimes i wonder if i werent here who would remember me? Would life go on as it always has, would i be forgotten replaced? A figment of someones imagination, a none existing person... someone who just up and died? Of course i could be replaced so many others have my name, it wouldnt be that hard to find another me... another existing person! Someone alive, someone not so afraid of the world around her... someone who knows who she is! Someone with life...

Sometimes i dont feel like i'm me, i feel like i go through this world day by day searching for the real me! For the one who doesnt embarrass herself in front of others, whose confident and who knows what she's doing with her life, whose so sure of herself!

Somehow that's not me, i can look through the window pane and see her, waiting for me. But how can you get in a door that's locked, glass that wont break, no key to the door. How do i embrace the me i want to be?