How is it...

How can you ever give up something... something that was everything you ever wanted! Something you would die for... who you would die for. Something that meant everything to you... and when its gone? What do you do when its gone? What can you do but assume it was never meant to be in the first place... you were never meant to have it. You would die for them, and yet there's nothing you can do because your standing behind that invisible wall pounding, crying out! Yet no one hears you. Its crippling to know that you can't do anything but watch as their life is taken away... so young... so innocent.

But what can you do? What's done is done right? You can't bring them back, no amount of wishing will ever make them return, no pleading, nothing can bring them back. When its everything you ever wanted... and it just seems to disappear how do you deal with the pain? How do you cope with that?! At night, do you cry... do you wonder, sit up in bed and try to convince yourself it never happened that when you wake up they'll be alive?! Do you wish upon a star, write it out, scream and rant at them, how do you deal with something so horrific that even you can't explain what happened.

When it was everything you ever wanted... ever needed... or ever had and you just killed it! When you knew the day would come, after all you have discussed this... haven't you?! It was everything i ever wanted... everything and here he was... dying because of me, because once again i couldn't control my anger. I could have done what Roydon said... could have been his mate and not Caleb's... but he was all i ever wanted... all i ever needed... and he was dying. I was the one to blame.

It was funny how i could stand there in that pool of blood, and look into his innocent beautiful green eyes and see sorrow for me. See the love he still held, and yet Roydon was screaming at me... could feel his hands wrap around my arm and his nails biting into my flesh. Could feel the blood that trickled down when slapped my cheek, slapped a wound that was trying to heal. I could feel it. Everything seemed enhanced and yet it was all going in slow motion.

I could see Rory from a far distance his eyes lingered on mine and hate filled his eyes not for me... never for me... but for Roydon. I could almost hear him now. "How dare he! He has no right to slap a woman! Or anybody!' Yet a restraining hand prevented him from coming to my rescue, Felix had his hand clapped on Rory's shoulder and he was glaring at me, almost smirking at what was happening to me.

If i was going to die i wanted to die and be with Caleb, Caleb my only love... Caleb... i wanted to call him back, beg and plead that he stay with me. If only... if only... that seemed to have been the story of my life, if only's pouring in my every thought my every sentence. If only i wasnt what i was, if only i could just die now, if only it were the full moon Caleb would be ok. So many if only's and yet none would ever come true, they would just float around until one day they just disappeared altogether. i wanted to giggle, hysteria was on the edge of breaking lose and the haze was beckoning me to come back.

My haze would take care of everything i needn't worry. But it was the haze that had killed my only love, the haze that destroyed my sister, and the haze that was taking over me. It was the haze... the haze.

Ok so not sure if i'll use this for Stray or not... let me know what you think!