lalalala hyper!

"He's... gone." I whimpered. Sam stroked my hair and sighed, he held me close and didn't let go. "It's my fault." I continued.

"No... Kali... geez I don't know what to say to you! I'm not good at this crap and you know that!" He pulled me back and made me look in his eyes. I didn't see the compassionate brother that excused my faults and made me smile when I was down. I saw someone different, I saw someone determined, someone who just wanted his little brother back... who wanted things to be different... who like me wanted Papa.

"What are we going to do?" I asked wiping the tears away. Crying wasn't going to solve anything.

"We're... wait... we you don't seriously mean... No! Your not coming!" He shouted already grabbing daggers. Although what good it would do on a vampire I had yet to figure out. He grabbed a small dagger and slipped it in a sheath, he reached down and attached it to his foot, his pants covered it.

"I'm going to help you!" I shouted already grabbing a sword. I sheathed it and buckled it around my waist. Sam growled and snatched a sword, I reached and grabbed two daggers I attached those to my thighs. In just a couple of minutes we were ready to go, before we left I grabbed Mother's old bow and Papa's lucky arrows.

"Azazel you've met your match." I heard Sam say under his breath. He grabbed a band and pulled his smoky brown hair up. "Kali... get in... find Viktor and get out! You leave Azazel to me!" He said jerking his thumb to himself as if to make the point that much clearer.

"It's my fault Viktor was kidnapped in the first place... at least let me help fight!" I said.

Sam shook his head, "I'm experienced in vampires... after all I've been fighting them among other beasts since the time I left... since I transformed anyway." A wide grin stretched across his face.

"Congrats Sam... it took you a while but I'm happy. Means I'm not alone." I smiled glad to have Sam on board.

Sam opened the door and let the crisp night air blow in his face, tendrils of my hair swirled around me. It was unbearably cold for a October night, it reminded me of the night Azazel had smashed my leg. Azazel that name brung bile to my throat, I was about to growl but Sam placed a hand over my mouth. He shook his head, he was alert... he had heard something I missed.

The bushes rustled, we growled and out stepped a half alive Viktor! Blood covered his arms and legs, he stumbled forward drunkenly and I made a dash for him. "No!" I heard Sam cry. That was when I saw it... I felt the puncture of my skin and i gasped. I felt the blood being drawn, and the red eyes that greeted me were greedy... I had seen these eyes before... Azazel.

I smiled and gazed down at my now seventeen year old brother, "Viktor." I whispered and reached my hand out to stroke his cheek. He left go of my wrist and promptly bit me again, I wasn't sure what vampire venom would do to me. But I didn't care, Viktor was here.

He hissed at me and backed away. "Blood... I must have it." That voice... it wasn't Viktor's voice... it wasn't his voice! It belonged to Azazel.

Azazel stepped out then, still deep in the shadows. "Viktor? Ah there you are... I see you've found your sister and ah Sam? It's been to long!" He crooned. He stepped forward out into the pale moonlight. That was when I got my first real glimpse at his beauty. He was chalky white with black hair that was held up by a ribbon, his fingers were long and slender... soft to the touch. He was tall and lean, his eyes were blue but were beginning to turn red.

He had on a black shirt and a pair of black jeans, his leather jacket was draped over his arm. He wiped a trace of smeared blood off his lips and smiled at Sam. His comments were directed to me, "I've brought Viktor back as I promised... pay up!" He said and his eyes turned to me.

"I... don't... have... it." I said in a barely controlled voice I was ready to maim him!

"You don't? The deal was you give me Bloodless Flower and I give you Viktor!" He said.

"The deal was Viktor was to not be harmed!" I reminded him.

Azazel just smiled at me, "Oh he's not been harmed... changed maybe but not harmed. Oh no. And i never agreed to that anyway. You don't have what I want... you lost it you say? Well then you belong to me." He stated simply.

I stared at Sam, his mouth was wide open as he stared at me... I looked at Viktor so full of blood lust... he seemed to be able to gaze at me with that look... "I'm sorry." I whispered.

Azazel grabbed my wrist and jerked me forward. "Good bye." I whispered. I was dragged away into the forest, Sam's hand reached out as if he could grab me... grab me and run. Viktor was safe and that was all that mattered to me. 'Don't come after me... Sam tell Viktor I love him.' I could tell Sam had linked his mind with mine.

'I'll save you sister... I will.'

Today was.... well it was Monday! need i say more?

I got scared today... what's really bad is that i heard Ronnie call my name! It just didnt register with me i blame the day it is, its Monday! and then the next thing i knew he was right in front of me hand up for a high five... scared the ever livin outta me! Ok sooooo.... haha i'm not even here right now! i'm just out in my own little world! And Aaron says Bella's Lullby is stupid!!!!! its not stupid its beautiful! and he can take it and shove it!!!!!

Yes i'm so evil, but he's my brother so the sibling fights must go on!!!!!! Now i'm listening to Here I Am by Vic Mignogna which is also piano! and very beautiful! so... yeah... shouldnt i be saying this to Aaron... *sigh* ok well maybe i should but i'm not sooooooo hahaha O's. Ok ima go now!

Sam, Kali, Viktor... names!

Red dirt and dried blood caked my hands and knees, it all smelled the same to me but there was a different smell in the air. Something stirred and i cautiously turned around, i heard the rustle of leaves, and a branch was broken. I growled, and heard the answering snarl that ripped from the throat of the predator. "Back again?" The voice was behind me.

I didn't turn around as i answered, no need to be rude and speed up my death. "I have a proposition for you." I whispered. There was silence and i felt claws run across my cheek, my breath was caught in my throat. Even a good scream couldnt get me out of this one.


"Hmm... you do... do you?" At any moment he could chose to snap my neck like a twig, instead his finger gently lifted my head up and i stared into bright red eyes. "Now, that's better isnt it?" He asked, i stared forward not saying a word knowing if i did he would do something. He let go of me and backed up into the shadows as the pale moon shone down, he never was one for the light.


"I was hoping that you would do something for me, you know i scratch your back you scratch mine?" I asked. My heart thudded in my chest, i was sure he could hear it.


"Hmm... yes? What was your... proposition?" He asked now, he was annoyed... starting to get very angry.


"You know what i want!" My voice came out thick with malice.


"I do?" He mocked shockingly. "Well, now that you mention it... i think i do know what you want. You also know what i want. So if you ever want to see him again... you'll get me what i want." His finger glided under my chin and he lifted it up so i was staring into cruel and unmerciless red eyes.


"I dont have it... i lost it." I whispered.


"To who?!" He struck me across the cheek and i was sent flying until i hit a tree. He jumped so that he was only inches from me, his leg hovered over mine threatning to crush the bone in it at any second.

"I'm not sure..." I knew as soon as it escaped my lips i should not have said that. His leg came crashing down onto mine. I screamed in pain as i heard the sickening crunch, hot tears rolled down my cheeks.

He lifted me up, his face at least an inch away from mine. "I said who!" He growled. He wasn't playing anymore. I whimpered and he threw me across the ground, my leg skidded along with my body. It was in so much pain, i knew if i didnt answer him soon i would die. Sam's earlier words rung in my head.

'You dont mess with a vampire... not Azazel Darkmoon anyway! He kills for fun... Kali vampires arent anything to play around with.'

"No they arent." I whispered.

"Arent what? What are you talking about?" Azazel asked, he crept forward curious.

"Azazel... I just want Viktor back! Please." I begged.

"I want a lot of things that i dont get... oh wait yes i do! You have to have power dear Kali. Your brother Sam can't save you this time, he's to far away. And once he finds out what happened to your littlest brother Viktor... oh my then what?" Azazel asked he laughed and began to disappear.

"Azazel no! I'll kill you if you hurt him! I'll kill you!" Azazel disappeared. I was outside alone screaming into the night. My body ached, if Azazel had changed Viktor... i wouldnt be responsible for what i was going to do once i found him. Sam and Viktor were only humans... unless Azazel had already changed that.

I sat there unmoving for the longest while, if i could get out of the canopy the trees had made my leg would heal... it was the full moon after all! I sighed... and cralwed to the middle of the clearing my leg thumping the whole way there, i looked down at my leg the healing had begun already the swelling was going down. The bones were fixing themselves i watched once again in amazement. Viktor... i would save him... Sam would help me, right now i was wishing Sam and Viktor were here.

It's offical!

My ipod hates me! It's being very picky again about charging, yes! my ipod is spoiled rotten therefore it has a mind of its own! I'm thinking about yelling at it then chunking it across the room! Dont believe me here are a few examples! One time my ipod died, so i pluged it up to the computer, wouldnt charge! I have a charger i can plug into an outlet and do it like that, didnt want to charge! So i kept switching it back forth still wouldnt! next day plug it up, charges!!!!!

Today its charging for about 5 minutes and then stopping! now i have it plugged into the wall! One time at my dads i put the charger in the outlet in my room and it wouldnt charge, bathroom outlet nope, went to the hall (which is pretty big and has 2 sections to it) went past the first section where the ping pong table is, and into the second section where the bird Ozzie is... plug it in... it charges!

Ok it just checked it and it stopped, so i plugged it back in and its good now... *sigh* I'm tired still oh well ok i'm going to go do something... not sure what yet.

Before i leave for my room... and the work that awaits!

Ok i think I've visited every blog and I've only commented on one... now I'm going to write something random because if i don't I'll forget it!

I was lying there on the bed tossing and turning, dreaming... yet somehow my mind was still intact with my body. I could feel Scar move with every twitch I made and every groan that escaped my lips. Finally with one heave of my leg I sat blot right up, Scar whimpered and curled up against my side. The door eased open and I thought about just lying back down but I was up and the dream that seemed to forever haunt me was about to start... I didn't want to wake up poor Alex anymore even if he was the youngest... well next to youngest he deserved his rest just like everyone else.

The shadow moved into my room slowly and silently until they perched on my bed. It was Caleb without a shirt and just a pair of shorts. He was the only one to sleep shirtless, he put his hand to my forehead and nodded. "Your dream was about to start I assume?" He whispered his hand trailing down and searching for mine.

"Yeah." I whispered back intertwining our fingers. He smiled up at me and laughed a soft laugh, "What?" I asked.

"Nothing, I was just thinking about Alex is all. He's going to be so happy he got sleep." Caleb said.

"Oh... yeah... well... what's up with him and dreams anyway? It's not like he knows what I'm dreaming!" I countered, maybe some good sleep medicine would knock him out.

"Oh? He doesn't now does he?" Caleb asked suddenly serious. His back stiffened for a minute and for just an instant he was angry. "Alex is... unsual... usually vampires are the ones with the supernatural powers... well Alex is a werewolf with an interesting... power... gift whatever you call it. You see when someone dreams... he can see it if he wants to, he can be apart of it or stand on the sidelines and just watch.

"For some reason your dreams they call to him... and he watches over and over how you... what you..." He paused and stared at me, he let the sentence hang because he knew if he said it.. I would go over the edge. The last attempts were feeble compared to this last attempt... Felix. "Anyway, every night he suffers with you and he gets less sleep, while every night at the same time I'm supposed to come in here with you."

"Why?" I questioned it was sorta nice to have Caleb in my room... but it wasnt so nice when it wasn't of his own freewill, I wanted Caleb to like me... for me not the monster I was.

"They seem to think I have a weird gift... that also deals with dreams. That first night you had it... that first night you screamed, we found Alex thrashing in his bed holding onto the covers for dear life. He looked like he was in so much pain, well we linked our minds with his and saw that you were the one... and so we left and we tried to wake you. But when I touched your cheek you stopped screaming and you smiled... Alphonse stayed with Alex and said he was fine." Caleb concluded.

"But... your a pack... so wouldn't Roydon and Alphonse have a gift to? I mean you are brothers aren't you?" I was confused and tired and ready to go back to bed, but I wouldn't rest until I knew for certain why I was the cause of Alex's dreams.

"Not by blood, we were... born in different time eras... but we are a pack. And were as close to brothers as you can get." Caleb confirmed. "Time for bed your tired and so am I, schools tomrrow." Caleb climbed under the covers and pulled me down beside him.

"But... but... and... why..." I started. He only kissed my cheek and promised to explain more tomrrow.

I don't know if he thought I was asleep, or half, or if he knew I was awake but it made me smile when he wrapped his arm around my waist and whispered, "I'll protect you... forever."

I turned over and buried my head in the crook of his neck, "Forever." I agreed.

Caleb put his finger under my chin and tilted my head up, he pressed his lips to mine. "Forever." Scar curled up at the foot of the bed, a small rain started... later I would realize those words to be true... so very true.

Exploring other blogs

So i went to Jenny's blog because after i changed my background i had to repost everything up again and i'm not doing that again! I went from one blog to another of our... well most were our classmates until they graduated... no one but a couple of us even seem to be attempting to keep up our blogs! I guess it makes me sad in a way that we made these to share thoughts and feelings and to have a good time and yet only a couple have survived and are still being used. Some of the dates went back to March for pete's sake! April, May, June... didnt see any July's. *sigh* well for one i'm happy to have this and my myspace blog.

i'm able to vent and i love venting! Wether it be to people or writing anyway is fine with me as long as i dont carry the weight on my shoulders any longer. Some blogs had good sized paragraphs and others had the journals we used to do. Hmmm... i wanted to leave a comment but i dont think they'll ever get it so i didnt.

Some that looked recent i just wasnt sure... June and its now September! Maybe 3 months? I understand that college/school gets in the way and work... oh well i dont know i guess when we got these people were excited honestly when i first got it i thought, 'What's the point in this? So we write down things and answer questions. As soon as school ends i'll never keep it up i mean come on!' But here it is September and this blog has made it along this far! That's pretty good.

I've vented on this thing countless times, i've wrote short stories and made 2 more devoted to my little projects! Some i clicked on were taken down, made me sad. But what can i do? I love this blog so much honestly i thank Mrs. D for makin us get one of these, saved my butt from a bunch of crap. Mostly yelling at friends, this is one sure way to vent! Well... i sorta thought that people would ya know enjoy it and keep blogging. Oh well, guess not. But that's fine... i dont think i've finished searching through all the blogs and i'll continue till i find one besides the ones i normally read that's been updated at least and read it! Wish me luck.

I never noticed that... 4 points is better than nothing i suppose

Hmm well last test i got a 62 this test 66, Physical Science will be the death of me! Anyway, we have test corrections but still! Did you know that some schools acutally have sites where you can go and see your grade? And you can see if they were late to class or not, and how late they were? And they keep your grades and stuff like that updated so the parents (who acutally care) can see?! Think it sucks but who am i? Anyway, i've noticed something! Ok when we started blogging back in 4th Creative Writing we did it in class some, and now that the class is over we still keep it up! How awesome is that?!

Wonder who else keeps theirs up! i should go and see, i will later but i thought that was sorta interesting. Oh today Mr. Freeman evlauted my 4th per. well as soon as he left, pocketbooks, and bookbags opened and people were going after their ipods, drinks, and munchies! And conversations were going left and right, and so were fights. it seems our class likes to fight sorta like our tribe in 3rd. well its calmer now, i have a test tomrrow vocab test, becuase Crucible test is Friday which means i gots some homework to do.

So hows life for you guys? Anything interesting? Well, i've been thinking a lot lately yeah i finally realized i'm supposed to use that thing God gave me, my brain ya'll. Hmm i'm just so happy! not about my Physical Science grade, i'm always tired in that class! well its first and my brain barely works in there so its like ugh!

Its Wed. and i'm hungry! wow i sound like i'm fasting, i love food to much to give it up i'd freak out. Unlike Rachel i'm not insanely hyper just hyper. You know what would be awesome?! If someone ran outside and ran around the school screaming, "I'm a pretty pony princess." Ok guys look outside your classrooms that'll be me! hahaha i'm kidding i would never do that, you'd have to pay me big even then!

You know whats a fun game? Truth or Dare! Or Dare cause no one tells the Truth anymore.... well its true!!!! My Team Jacob shirt came... ok its Large and i can barely fit into it! so not this week but my mom says next maybe we can go and exchange it, we got it offline and i had no idea it'd be that small! Geez it dont look like a large i'll tell ya that. ok well i'm off

(:D)-l--<

Really is it that noticeable?!

Honestly the titles of these blogs dont mean a thing! Just whatever random thing pops into my head! I have really nothing to write about... *sigh* its a boring life... very boring. Today at school i stayed after for like 5 minutes to get some help and then well i wont talk about what happened when i was waiting for my ride. Yeah i know i dont drive myself anymore and no! i didnt get grounded and have my license taken away! Geez, i left my car lights on for about an 1 1/2 and my battery went dead. (yeah i know my fault so sue me already! story of my life) anyway now the whatever it is isnt as high as it should be. I wanna say arbotraitor but i'm afraid that's not even in a car oh yeah i can't spell so have fun figuring that out!

I saw this guy today who everyone and by everyone i mean my friends at the lunch table keep saying is a Freshie... i dont think he is! Cause i think i seen him last year, if i see him carrying around a Earth Environmental book... well either he A.) is a Freshie or B.) didnt pass Freshie year or whatever anyway i think i did see him last year not sure. But we have a code name for him... Muffin Man. hahaha yeah i know we call this other guy Surfer even though we do know his name its just fun to use code names... that sounds weird.

My voice sounds funny. Cause i have a cold! You know what would be fun that i would never ever, ever do?! Go on Fearfactor!!!!!!! That would be wicked! Unless you had to eat spiders or something eck! Oh if your taking U.S. History and you know John Brown well this will be interesting. We had to pick 3 things that we thought caused the Civil War date our papers 1853 and write a Journal Entry or to someone about what we saw. Rachel did John Brown... if you know Rachel, Jenny i know you do and i think Ronnie you do to.

Then you know some of her stories are pretty gruesome! Oh and if you dont know John Brown he chopped people up well white slave owners, he went to Harper's Ferry i think it was and was about to steal guns to give to the slaves but he was caught and hanged. Thank goodness! But it was pretty gruesome. I was the only one to read it with a disgusted face! Yuck! Hmmm so far school isnt so bad its just the test! Oh this will probably never happen again but listen to this!

Ok last U.S. History test i got an 80 ok and we could turn in notecards for 20 extra points but i keep forgettin to do them, guess what i got on this test? that's right an 80! Its a C not bad but it'll do and i get to do corrections so that's good, oh yeah and Rachel got a 90 with 20 extra points and this time she got another 90 without the 20 points! Talk about unfair but i thought that test was easier than the last one... apparently not haha.

I wont say what Jess got, hmm lunch is good! i'm making an A+ in there haha! English III i'm carrying a 92 well i was... dont ask! Ok so that's about the oh wait i forgot Physical Science i'm as confused as ever... *sigh* and Bio Med Tech we're doing Medical Math and we have a test on that tomrrow. Oh yeah we code named another guy, the one that we said if he ever saw his pic on Nikki's camera he would think she's a stalker well we named him Awww! hahaha ok i think i've bored you enough... and Ronnie your scaring me!

So in other words what your saying is....

I have 2 test tomrrow! How cruel and unusal punishement! One in 1st and the other in 4th! CRUEL!!!!! Physical Science then in Bio Med Tech, i'm dreading it! Ima have to study tonight or else ima fail the Physical Science test again with worse than a 62! mmm yummy pear! Now the pear is gone and i've forgotten what i wanna write.... ok i'm off for now bye!!!

Yesterday was....

The Apple Festival, it was pretty good. I saw Jenny, Rachel, Heather and her sis Ally, Jazz and Jess came with me and we all hung out with each other. Anyway, it was pretty fun. Lets see hmmm... oh yeah i got a Candy Apple and it was amazing! Jenny got a chocolate covered banana yuck! i hate banana's but love chocolate. Just about everyone met my mom and aunt... well the peeps that were with us did!

Hmm i was gonna say something but i forgot. Well i saw Nikki's ex and he was cute!!!! He had this baby face and green eyes... he was adorable! Oh yeah first off Jess, me and Jazz went and helped out at the Soup Kitchen if you've never done it its sooo much fun!!!!!!! Robert was there he usually helps me with the drinks but he was in the kitchen this time! Robert's pretty funny! But Jess was like, "Do they serve soup at the Soup Kitchen?"

"No! They serve food like pizza or whatever there having for the day.... you didn't know that?" I asked.

"Oh... no..." Jess started.

Well Soup Kitchen you immediately think soup... also i have a question if we're supposedly descended from monkey's then why don't we look like them?!

How is it...

How can you ever give up something... something that was everything you ever wanted! Something you would die for... who you would die for. Something that meant everything to you... and when its gone? What do you do when its gone? What can you do but assume it was never meant to be in the first place... you were never meant to have it. You would die for them, and yet there's nothing you can do because your standing behind that invisible wall pounding, crying out! Yet no one hears you. Its crippling to know that you can't do anything but watch as their life is taken away... so young... so innocent.

But what can you do? What's done is done right? You can't bring them back, no amount of wishing will ever make them return, no pleading, nothing can bring them back. When its everything you ever wanted... and it just seems to disappear how do you deal with the pain? How do you cope with that?! At night, do you cry... do you wonder, sit up in bed and try to convince yourself it never happened that when you wake up they'll be alive?! Do you wish upon a star, write it out, scream and rant at them, how do you deal with something so horrific that even you can't explain what happened.

When it was everything you ever wanted... ever needed... or ever had and you just killed it! When you knew the day would come, after all you have discussed this... haven't you?! It was everything i ever wanted... everything and here he was... dying because of me, because once again i couldn't control my anger. I could have done what Roydon said... could have been his mate and not Caleb's... but he was all i ever wanted... all i ever needed... and he was dying. I was the one to blame.

It was funny how i could stand there in that pool of blood, and look into his innocent beautiful green eyes and see sorrow for me. See the love he still held, and yet Roydon was screaming at me... could feel his hands wrap around my arm and his nails biting into my flesh. Could feel the blood that trickled down when slapped my cheek, slapped a wound that was trying to heal. I could feel it. Everything seemed enhanced and yet it was all going in slow motion.

I could see Rory from a far distance his eyes lingered on mine and hate filled his eyes not for me... never for me... but for Roydon. I could almost hear him now. "How dare he! He has no right to slap a woman! Or anybody!' Yet a restraining hand prevented him from coming to my rescue, Felix had his hand clapped on Rory's shoulder and he was glaring at me, almost smirking at what was happening to me.

If i was going to die i wanted to die and be with Caleb, Caleb my only love... Caleb... i wanted to call him back, beg and plead that he stay with me. If only... if only... that seemed to have been the story of my life, if only's pouring in my every thought my every sentence. If only i wasnt what i was, if only i could just die now, if only it were the full moon Caleb would be ok. So many if only's and yet none would ever come true, they would just float around until one day they just disappeared altogether. i wanted to giggle, hysteria was on the edge of breaking lose and the haze was beckoning me to come back.

My haze would take care of everything i needn't worry. But it was the haze that had killed my only love, the haze that destroyed my sister, and the haze that was taking over me. It was the haze... the haze.

Ok so not sure if i'll use this for Stray or not... let me know what you think!

Hello! Hi!

Hiii everyone! i should be blogging today! hmm i havent done that... oh sorry for the delay on Stray... hey that rhymes! i've been stressed lately so i get annoyed easier so i havent even attempted at writing more of it for fear i'd rip it up. As you can plainly see i gots a new default pic and if you can't read what it says, it says Anime drugs would be cheaper. Which is true! anyway i got 3 new books yesterday! 3:16 The Numbers of Hope A John 3:16 book for teens by Max Lucado. A chicken soup book and a Women's Daily devotional. i think i understand the MSG and NLT better than i do the NIV.

Anyway i've been reading from 3:16 first. I was trying to show my mom but she wouldnt come until i said Max Lucado then she rushed right over! "Max? That's all you had to say, he's a good writer." She said following me over. I showed her and she looked at it, then handed it back to me and picked up the Chicken Soup book while i was reading from 3:16. "Look at this one." She said and handed me the book.

"Oooohhh i like this one to!" I complimented.

"Geez Chelsey just push it on me!" She said.

"I didn't push it on you! Just the 3:16 one you pushed the Chicken Soup on me!" I declared. She shrugged and balanced her Bibles as she grabbed the other book. My aunt found the Women's devotional and immediately thought of Megan when i read a passage from it. How we sometimes look in the mirror and judge ourselves i was taken back to the 7th grade when Megan constantly compared herself to the skinny super models, while i on the other hand cared less how much i weighed.

It was never a problem with me and as my mom reminded me in the store, "We have to first love ourselves and be happy with us before we can love others."

"Yeah i know." I whispered. "Can we get it... for her?"

"Yeah, you know her better than we do... hope it helps her she's a good girl." Mom pointed out. "Isn't she the one who spent the night with you?" She asked.

I nodded, "Yep the very one whose now afraid of Alvin and the Chipmunks." with that being said mom gave me a funny look. "Well she is!" I said and proceeded to explain to her the movie we went and saw.

"That does explain a lot." She laughed. All in all yesterday was a good day. Today though as luck would have it i left my car lights on. I'm just about to write myself a note although its not going to help me in the least since Aaron will probably be taking me to school and my aunt picking me up, for the simple fact the cars acting up again... and has always! Ok i think i've bored you poor, poor people enough! I'll stop now and go do homework bye!

bored and have nothing better to do

1. What's your fondest memory of Muffin Man?
He gave me a muffin..... then we got married yay! haha

2. Can Jazz be bad influence?
No never.... where do you think i got my mind from?!

3. Who would be a better superhero sidekick between Jazz and Ronnie, and why?
Ummm Ronnie, if Jazz were my sidekick we'd get nothing accomplished besides playing Who, What When/Where and Why.... and with Ronnie... well... ok we'd get nothing accomplished either because one of us would be dead probably me because Ronnie would be off eating cheese or using Black Magic.

4. What was your first impression of Jazz?
Oh she looks lonely.... think i'll go talk to her!

5. What would you do if Jazz and Jenny were going out?
0.o oh my... to each their own i guess!

6. What would you do without Jenny?
Eat caramel brownies with nuts in them with whip cream and then eat cheese out of the can in honor of her memory haha

7. What's your fondest memory of Bob the Builder?
He's not really who we think he is!!!!!! He's....he's...... HE'S THE MUFFIN MAN IN DISGUISE I TELL YA!

8. Matt just got vaporized in a freak accident. Now what?
*calls someone to come and bring Matt back to life* lalalallalalala

9. If Jenny were to be mistaken for a celebrity, who would it be?
ummm hmmm the girl who plays Bella on the Twilight movie i dont know many actresses

10. What is one thing Muffin Man isn't exactly made for?
Baking pancakes... that's the Pancakes Man's job!

Fuzzy butt

hahaha Jenny has a picture of a spider with a fuzzy butt as Kaitlin pointed out.... i hate spiders. Anyway i'm feeling tons better, i've finally let all this stress out and talked to one of my friends, so now i think this week and these 2 months will get better. If not then i have my friends to lean on for support. Ok who has the computer game 'Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?' i'm playing it... well i was! It took me forever to get the plumbing fixed on there, if you've ever played it when you go to Rome you have Ivan Idea.... when i was little i used to think he was so cute! Dont ask, it was a computer game i know and i was crushing on of the computer characters haha!

Anyway i heard it was supposed to rain tomorrow, crap! Lets see, i have to do homework well my test corrections anyway that are due tomorrow. And i have to finish my U.S. History corrections before the 17th. Oh whose going to the Apple Festival? I am, and i'm bringing Jazz with me. Ok now i'm going to write random stuff! Pears, Apples, Kiwitoes, Blue Frog Eating Vampires, Sexy Spiders....... hahaha!!! FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

The question generator thing its really fun you put the names of 10 friends and it gives you 10 questions.

1. What do you think about Andrea?
She's completely insane.....

2. What's Andrea's opinion on cheese?
Ummm she likes it? i'm not sure

3. Will Ronnie eat those green eggs and ham?
Yes, yes he will because if he doesnt they will haunt his dreams for all enternity!

4. Wyatt got turned into an animal! What animal is it?
A spider, now i'm going to squishy him mwahahahahaha!

5. If Jazz were to be mistaken for a celebrity, who would it be?
Lindsey Lohan? hahahahahahaha she's going to kill me if i tell her that

6. Ronnie just got vaporized in a freak accident. Now what?
I'm going to guess he's not dead because of black magic? i dont know *hits play on a boom box* ♫ ♪Celebrate good times come on!♪ kidding! or am i?

7. Matt is actually Wyatt in disguise, you know.
Wow no way! Matt's like really tall, taller than Wyatt.... how'd he do that?

8. Describe Woods in five words.
Pervert, pervert, pervet, handsy, handsy you said 5 words you never said i couldnt use the same ones over!

9. Does Megan make you hot?
Ok... no! that was a random question... very creepy!

10. If Amber and Woods teamed up, what would they most likely accomplish?
Ummm besides the fact that in about 10 minutes would either be dead or wishing he were i'm not really sure? i mean you know it just depends on how bad he pisses her off.

http://mct421.deviantart.com/art/Question-Meme-Generator-69266481 if you wanna do it its fun!

Not a great week

This week has turned out to be horrible! Wether its the rain that has me down, or constant cold i'm not really sure. I find myself sitting in class wondering, why i'm even taking Physical Science, i'm no good at it! First test i got back, 62! I'm probably already failing, i dont know why i even have to take the stupid class! A couple of my friends told me you have to take it to graduate! Honestly i feel like an idiot in there, i'm probably the only one who doesnt get it!!!! I'm great at Biology but when it comes to learning speed, acceleration, velocity i'm at a loss wondering why i'm even in here.

Its hard and i'm always confused, i just sit there and act like i understand when i know i shouldnt do that. i know i should ask the teacher, or at least go after school and get some help but i'm afraid because i dont want people to make fun of me. I'm usually good, well i thought i was, at stuff like this. i knew i was going to fail the test anyway, but that's not the point when i took it i was in such a depressed state. I had been crying all morning when Jazz broke the news to me, nothing about her but someone we knew.

"No... no." I said backing up. "He can't." He was supposed to be the strong one out of all of us. Its not like we hadnt talked about death before, it was just this time seemed different. And some people well one girl in pitcular has been putting her nose where it shouldnt be, and i'm frankly getting tired of it! I'm tired, and i'm stressed, and i'm failing Physical Secience probably. I dont understand anything in there it feels like.

Today was ok, i've had worse... yesterday was probably the worst. Jess and Jazz were super worried about me, telling me to just go home if i couldnt handle school anymore. Everyone was at work so there was no way i was able to get home, unless i snuck out of the school building and rushed to my car. Even then i'm not sure if i would have made it home without bursting into tears.

Today Mr. Pederson hit his hand with a hammer, well he had a huge rock on top of his hand then he used the hammer and hit it. He said it didnt hurt, but i sorta understood mass but not by much so far my favorite subjects are all but Physical Science because unlike in there i understand pretty much what i'm doing. In English III we're reading The Cruicible, or however you spell that if i spelled it wrong. I'm Elizabeth Proctor, U.S. History we're taking notes, watching the Animaniacs song to learn the presidents, and having fun, lunch well you eat in there... funny story to go with that. and in Bio Med Tech we're taking notes and listening to music and watching House.

Ok back to lunch. Today Nikki had her camera out, Jess hid from the camera and i tried, i like getting photos of me but if i look like crap i dont! Anyway there's this guy who as Jazz mentioned has his legs shaved.... or was it Nikki? anyway we either think he's on the swim team or he hasnt quiet hit puberty yet. But he's adorable!!!!! 9th grader who looks like a 5th grader! so Nikki got a picture of him! and she zoomed it on him and showed us and of course our whole table was like, "Awwwwww!" and we kept passing it around and saying how cute he looked and how much we just wanted to hug him and pinch his cheeks!

And then Jazz was like, "What if he sees us looking at that? I didnt do anything!"

"We'll just tell him your stalking him Nikki!" I laughed.

"I knew that shadow was following me!" Jazz said imatating what he might do. We laughed and then the bell rang and we had to go to class. But other than Physical Science everything's pretty cool.

Dont know why

I dont know why i'm writing this but i just am, i've been thinking about this for a while and i just feel like writing it. Ok well you know how parents get when you decide to "date" i put date in quotations because my aunt doesnt believe we teens today are acutally dating becuase if we were we'd be out of the house and acutally doing something! And as i've reminded her we do things differently if not the same, we arent from the Stone Age!

But whenever i date a guy and i mention how long i've known him the first question is always this, "Does he have his license? Does he have a job, can he drive, where does he work, how old is he, what grade?" Why i even bother telling her i'm dating a guy is beyond me at this point now! But if i've known the guy for a year and i accidently forget to tell her i wasnt close friends but i've heard about him, exchanged a few hi's, and admired him from far away, then i'm supposed to know every detail about his life!

Because if i dont, Heaven forbid he come to meet my Mother! I love her to death but she's not afraid to ask you what you do, and about yourself! That's why i admire her but please dont scare him away! I've always told her i'd take my boyfriend to meet Dad but not her because i'm afraid one day her joking will turn real and i'll be outside with her waiting for my date to come pick me up and she'll be sitting in a chair shotgun in hand!

I've often joked to her that i'd see her on an episode of Cops or CNN, with the picture of my ex she killed for trying something with me (i think you know what i mean) and the pictures of her, my aunt and my mom's friend Lisa on there. My dad has often told me if he's 18 he'll get Aaron to make him disappear. Now while i know i wont see my mom, aunt or Lisa on an episode of Cops or CNN i'm not to sure about Dad.... or Mom.

But i sorta understand where there coming from, i am a girl after all. But still, while i feel compelled to not answer these questions of doom and dread that are sure to be in the future my demise as she reminds what i've said versus what i'm saying now, i dont think i'm ready to date again! Well i am, but its like she's stacking question after question on me, and i'm sinking further down holding the questions until they topple down on me and i'm left finding my way out plus searching for the first question so i can get an answer! Now i love my mom and dad to death but shouldnt there be a rule on bombarding someone with so many questions at once?

Or is it just me? Oh well that's just my ramble of the day.

I'm happy!

I'm happy again! i feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders! I've dealt with this pain for to long! He's no longer apart of my life, i could care less what he does but he's not bringing me down again!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!! i thought all this time i would be hurt and sad but really i'm so happy i can barely contain myself i feel ready to run around hugging people, and even ones i dont know! i'm sooo happy!!!!!!!!!

Venting!

I just need some where to vent! Something to vent to and writing helps me, do not think i'm acutally going to do this, i'm not i just need some were to vent!!

Sometimes when i'm walking to my car, especially after a stressful day at school i wonder if i werent here any more who would miss me... would anyone? Then i feel like slapping myself of course my parents would, my friends to i guess. Sometimes it takes all the strength i have to just ignore that one annoying person, wether it be over something stupid or not! I just try and hold my self up high and remember there just trying to get their friends to laugh, maybe a joke out of me.

That's when i miss Aaron most, we used to pick and sometimes it takes all i have not to burst into tears in the middle of class. Sometimes it takes all i have not to cry for no reason at all, for me crying is a way to relieve stress and it helps clear my already crowded head. I try not to let some people in because i'm afraid of what they'll think of me. So i tend to clam up and stick to someone i know and if i cant, i'm lost in a millon faces each one bumping, pulling, dragging, me away from where my safe harbor is.

All i can do is swim back breathless and try to hold myself up high, square my shoulders back and show people that i'm alive... when all i really want is to crawl under a hole or become invisible... to those around me. I feel lost sometimes, and those are my weakest times where i struggle to for someone to understand me, i take three steps back and one step forward afraid each corner i turn will hold the ultimate humiliation for me. And i'll have to face it alone.

Three steps back, one step forward, eight steps back puts the corner farther back if only i could delay it, but unwillingly my feet march forward. Around the bend, nothing holds my interest only new faces staring at my rosy red cheeks, my head bent down and my feet shuffling forward breath caught.

Sometimes i wonder if i werent here who would remember me? Would life go on as it always has, would i be forgotten replaced? A figment of someones imagination, a none existing person... someone who just up and died? Of course i could be replaced so many others have my name, it wouldnt be that hard to find another me... another existing person! Someone alive, someone not so afraid of the world around her... someone who knows who she is! Someone with life...

Sometimes i dont feel like i'm me, i feel like i go through this world day by day searching for the real me! For the one who doesnt embarrass herself in front of others, whose confident and who knows what she's doing with her life, whose so sure of herself!

Somehow that's not me, i can look through the window pane and see her, waiting for me. But how can you get in a door that's locked, glass that wont break, no key to the door. How do i embrace the me i want to be?

Ready Set Let Go!

They say once you love someone it really never goes away,
But they dont know me... they dont about that fateful day.

Where you swept me off my feet and held me high,
Honestly i thought i was queen of the world!

You made me feel important, you made me feel loved,
But i guess i didnt see it... i knew it was to come.

I held onto my little fantasy world, my life was pretend,
Until one day it all came crashing in.

My world was shattered,
Broken apart.

But yet i held on so dearly,
Till death do us part.

You promised me forever,
You promised me skies of blue.

Who knew that forever really meant a week,
Maybe two.

When you said i love you that first and beautiful day,
I really believed you and i thought we could be.

But then it turned out that you were very wrong for me,
And so i cried and hid... all of my fears.

I lied to my friends, telling them "I'm fine... I'm ok,"
When in truth i was dying.

I reached out and struggeled and held onto you,
But you just let go of my hands and let me fall through.

"Good bye." You whispered your eyes they didnt shine,
"I love you." I said and the darkness held me.

So here i am my heart once beating now a broken mess,
But before you leave i have but one request.

My request to you... my final wish,
I want you to know i'm done with you take this heart that no longer beats.

Here please take its all i have left,
And stitched inside it should be a picture of you.

I can't bear the thought of you still being in my heart,
It pains me to say it but in truth i miss you.

No i wont be waiting for your return, i wont go back to you,
I'll just wait on the sidelines until my numbers called and my fairy tale can start again.