Sooooo...

It goes a little something like this! Just had to say that, lately i've been... hmmm well i guess distant. I've been venturing out on my own with other friends... just Andie and BlAde and work has been singing the same tune that if i dont show up they'll fire me so i must go in. But apparently in a former life when i was Bulma i dated Jeremy (Yamcha) and married Bobby (Vageta) and had a kid with him, praying its Matt, (Trunks). So my life is nothing special i go in the 28th for placement testing at 2. Friday i'm scampering off with Andie to the lake and if its ok with her BlAde will join us and we'll pack us a nice picnic.

I dont know really what else to say except everything on here seems to be like really depressing. I can't believe i'm going to college i'm so scared. I wanna meet new people and branch out and finally experience life! I just want to spread my wings and fly, but i'm a shy person so the chances of me making new friends right off the bat will be 0-0! Oh well, lately its like i've been... i dont know it feels like ditching my old friends but i just have no desire to hang out with them i have my reasons why but i wont say them on here.

My only question is what if i give them up? ... What if we never speak again? Then what if i want to spend time with them, would they welcome me back or shun me? Lately i've been dealing with those questions, and many more some are outspoken and some i just sit there and play nice wishing to get away. I feel like the Plague, eh just me being i dont know paranoid or is it because i'm tired? Sometimes i dont know if i really wanna go into the medical field... i feel the passion of writing which is so strong and i just want to write for the rest of my life but i dont know anymore! I cant just all of sudden say hey i cant do this! I want to do writing not the medical field but i can't and won't say anything because even i dont know if that's what i truly want to do but even as i write this its something i'll always want to do.

I'll always want to write and i'm passionate about it, i want that to be my job i want to write books to be an author but i'll be a good girl and get my medical degree since when did writing ever earn any money anyway?

Goodbye forever?

I dont know maybe it was the food that made me dream what i did, or maybe i was in need of a good nightmare. As if i had been sleeping to soundly and to good these days i needed a nightmare to make my world more balanced. Either way i dreamed, i dreamed that i was in school and for whatever reason Mrs. Dellinger the libary teacher i think is her name was teaching our class not Mrs. Atchely either that or she was watching us.

Blade came in and sat beside and started showing me his newest city he had drawn up and i looked to Kaitlin Nagle and asked her if i was the only one who could hear Blade and see him and she looked at me kinda funny and said yes. I knew he was dead, it started to eat at me, my heart compeltely broke and i was going insane. I couldnt cry no tears came from my eyes, maybe i had cried them all out but i do rememeber my heart outside my dream having a hard time beating because i felt like i couldn't breathe.

My mom was more worried about a potential job i had to get more hours and my dad kept saying, "I know, i know." she didnt want me to mess up this interveiw but inside slowly i was dying and no one cared. He was gone and no one but me was greiving.

Finally i woke up and heard my mom ruslting around in the kitchen, i got up went to the bathroom went to my room, unplugged my phone and cried waiting for her to leave for work because i truly believed Blade wasnt alive. I called him around 5:10 and he answered but that didnt convince me as i tried to ask if i could come get him and take him back with me because i just had to make sure! He misunderstood me and asked his mom if i could come over, he told her that i called and was freaking out about a dream and what he thought had to do with my mom and that i was hyperventaliting and i was.

I couldnt hardly get control of myself. I rushed over when i had everything done, parked my car and out popped Blade from his house. I got out of my car walked then ran up the steps and hugged him. He was alive and breathing and i cried with relief because i needed someone to tell me it was all going to be ok. The two previous nights we didnt really get to talk on the phone, first night i had to study for a test and i needed all the time i could get, and last night he was dog tired.

It was good we went into the house and snuggled on his bed till about 6:30 when we went to my house and i finished packing my lunch and got my things together and we headed off to school. I got up an hour early and he got up 30 mins early but it was worth it to me, i just had to know. I didnt believe him over the phone yeah i know its stupid but i didnt, i just needed to make sure! To really make sure he was still here with me. I'm not crazy am i for doing that?

I'm sorry!

I havent been here a while and i'm sorry, life has just gotten in the way and plus i just havent really wanted to get on here anyway. I just dont seem to wanna get on the computer much not even Webkinz will hold my interest i just wanna sit down and read and write and draw right now. Grrr sorry i've been away i miss Jenny and Sara tons right now cause they arent at school with me but oh well i guess i'll live! ^^

Clinicals

I'm so excited for them! If i'm not wrong my dad paid for my scrubs so now they have to come in and i have to get my immunization to Mrs. Wright! I now know how to massage and oh man i need to give you one Jenny and Sara i plan on giving Blade one tomorrow if he'll hold still! Grrr i have a TB test on the 22nd and i'm not going to be to fond of that i hate needles but i'm sooooo excited!!!!! Weeeeeee! ^^

Poem

i've been feeling sorta moody today, so here's what i've come up with!



I see you on your pedstal,
The mighty you proclaim,
You want yourself to be seen so you may condem us all.

What happened to you,
You blame me for the path i chose,
You refuse to talk or even look at me now.

Did you begin to like me,
Did you start when i stopped liking you,
All these thoughts in my head confuse me making the path more hard to see.

I will forever stumble blindly,
Holding on to the rope that's broken,
And finding a message straight from you.

You dont want to be my friend anymore,
Because of how i changed,
Did anyone not tell you we all change?

You seem to think your so perfect,
But the things you cannot tell me you tell others,
And instead you hurt me more than you ever have before.

You glare at me and wont even speak to me,
So i guess that's my punishment for being myself,
I'll gladly take it as long as i dont see you again.

The pain will be sore and fester,
It may turn into hatred,
But now i hope you fall off your precious pedstal... join us on the ground.

I've been thinking.

I've been thinking a lot these past couple days. I've been thinking that maybe i'll just have Jenny and Sara over for the Apple Festival that night i have to work friday from 5-8 then on Saturday the day of i told Matt i'd work for him from 4-8 which i dont mind he hasnt had a break since Joe was there so i understand he wants some time off plus he works another job to. So much has been happening lately that i just dont know what to do anymore! Aaron's getting a motorcycle and i dont have a good feeling about it!

I love him to death he's the best brother in the world and i dont want to see him get hurt! So many other things have been going on to but i wont go into those, i'm tired of my work place so i need to go out and job hunt soon, i like when me and mom go cause she drives and we talk and i go in and fill out papers and all that good stuff but i'm just worried so much about him!

Why fight now?

So today was amazing! I got to play my very first game of D&D i had so much fun! It was awesome and i love it, Blade mostly set up my character ok well he did set up my character i just put input of weapons and armor. Well as we were about to leave the church my car wouldnt start up! I thought that was the worst of my problems! No its minor to when i got home and my mom told me Katie had broken up with Aaron. She told me not to fight with him and not to call him names. I felt horrible because they always seemed so happy together! But then again not even all relationships last, she told him she just didnt feel that spark.

He's at dads now cause he wants to be alone. I can understand that but i totally miss him and Reaper's still down at the church. Oh well so i guess we'll have to adjust now, Aaron's not gonna be textin her probably and he'll probably wanna spend maybe some time with us or with his friends you can never tell with him. I know he's sad he has to be! I miss him though, i miss him real bad but what can you do?