I dont know!

I feel so confused, scared and just worried! I'm getting ahead of myself let me start by saying this week has not been good! I'm just tired and i'm depressed and i dont really want to talk about it but then again i want nothing more than to vent and rant and yell and scream! Of course i do rant and yell and scream but sometimes that doesnt help. Sometimes i feel better keeping it in, placing a smile on my face and shoving it into the depths of my mind. I'm happier with friends most people know this, alone i feel sometimes like a train wreck.

I feel very lonely right now, like no one in the world understands me. Sometimes i can sit for a while and just stare blankly at nothing. I get so caught up in that one thing i lose track of time and i have nothing to worry about. Just staring blankly at work doing dishes was enough to make me forget about everything but what i was doing at that point and time! Sometimes i just want to scream and rave and rant but that's not really going to help anything it just gets out in the open and makes it the topic of discussion at the time!

Not something i really want either. I feel like i'm slowly losing my mind, just one day at a time i'm slowly forgetting.... and slowly i'm forgetting what i was going to say. I feel like theres this giant hole in my heart that needs to be plugged so no more.... well so nothing can seep out so no one can see and know what i really feel.

I feel awful and just plain worn out, i can sleep for hours on end and still wake up tired! There are some days when i'm truly happy and other days i'm just forcing the smile, see a pattern? I do, its not a good one i'll admit but its the one i've been traveling and the one i'm not ready to give up. The one that's worn with my feet trecking over it time and time again yet i still dont want to give it up because if i do i'll be forced down a new path, one i have yet to travel.

Sometimes i feel like i'm stepping into my own depth of fears, there like waves coming in and playing around the edges of your feet. The ocean is so clear from a far distance and you can see everything in it, but once you've stepped in only then do you realize how dark and murky it is and how far you really are. Its then i realize all the things i've forced back into the depth of my mind have found there way to the surface and are ready to come spewing out.

So biting my tounge i say nothing else. I'm so confused right now it just seems there is one person who can make it all better, who can just listen and let me talk. But even then sometimes i dont want to tell them, i dont want them to think of me as weird, or horrible, or whiny but then again would it ever matter?

Sometimes i wonder if it would matter to anyone else besides my friends if i slowly stopped talking and just shut everyone one out and became the person i most fear.

Back... for now

Yeah i've been grounded sorry i havent said anything. A lot has been going on this past month, somethings i want to talk about others i just keep in my head. Its always nice to see a friend you havent seen since Vacation started... well its nice until the point their friend comes over and they completly ignore you. I will say this now i may be back off again soon and i'd rather not explain. I'm tired i've been up since 5:30 this mornin and i see no sign of me going back to bed anytime soon! i've had so much on my mind lately that at work one of the twins scared me half to death! Oh yeah i have a job now! Haha.



I wish for once i was able to let the past be the past and not keep poking and prodding it. But for whatever reason i can never leave it alone, i just want to get hurt again it seems. Ugh, well i'll deal with that bridge when it comes to it. Hopefully Monday Sara and i will be off to the mall lookin at cute guys! There is one guy i do like that does go to our school, wait 2 sorry i forgot one that's bad but oh well. Any way i'm gone i need to get a shower and start gettin ready or at least sleep a little before church! Bye now!

Life's....

Not how it used to be. Made an 82 on the Geomerty exam i'm glad but i wonder sometimes how life will pan out. Mom and i had an interesting discussion yesterday which was Friday. We fought i cried, but in the end i think it'll make me a stronger person... help me to rely on my family... or maybe it'll just break me. Either way something will change but for the worst or for the good?

Guess i'm back

For who knows how long! This little saying is very true for me right now.



So what who cares i'm just a rag doll to people why not treat me like you want i feel no pain right?! Wrong, i'm human and i'm tired of being this person i am the one that i hate! You want to know how i feel this is how i feel! i'm the person i most despise and i despise my own self i can find nothing good about myself! What's wrong with me?!

Not sure

I'm not sure why i'm here or where i'm going, all i'm aware of is that things are harder than they once were and i'm growing into someone i'm afraid of.

Sermon

My day started off good now its just sorta went downhill from there. I went from being up beat to just plain out depressed again. I know i shouldnt be mad at him for dying like Jazz said he didnt exactly sign up for it but i still miss him terribly. There were things in Aaron (not my bro the other one) that he did that made me think of him. The way he laughed for one and picked with me i mean it just reminded me of him so bad! And i liked feeling like i had a part of my old love back i mean it was nice but things cant last forever.

Everyone says and i do believe this that things happen for a reason. God does things to show us things and by him dying i wonder what he was trying to show me! That i shouldnt talk to him, that he wasnt right for me? I want to know but i guess i wont find out, maybe it was just his time to go. I've been listening to Pieces, Already Over, and Shadows by Red so maybe this is what has me down even though i doubt it.

Normally i feel so full of life, its only when i'm alone do i feel like this. I dont really think i wanna go eat lunch anymore or 3rd because whenever i have a bad day Josh and Rachel dont really make it any better and sometimes i just wanna be alone. Maybe one day i'll get the courage to tell people i'd rather be alone for a day to just think. To just let everything settle and these feelings to pass. Its not like i have to have someone with me everywhere i go and hold my hand because i have a problem! I suppose that's where my independence of my feelings comes in.

I'd rather deal with it alone, i'd rather sort it out alone! I dont like having help from people showing me how i feel and what else i discover about myself because it never equals to my expections and it never equals the worlds i shouldnt worry about what the world thinks! God should always matter he should always come first in not only my life but in everyone else's as well. I'm not shoving anything down ya'lls throat so dont lie and say i am!

I went to revival last week and it was amazing, he stepped on all our toes with his sermon but it was what i needed. I dont feel like i'm glorifying God in some things that i do, my youth teacher this morning told us that when God gives us a gift that we're supposed to use it for his Kingdom, i think my gift would be caring for others but i'm never sure if i'm using it for the Kingdom of God. I dont know if and how to do that i guess is what i'm trying to say. In church i dont really understand what Pastor J (or as i say PJ) talks about.

But at revival it was everything i needed to hear and he was fun and he was good! But with PJ its just sorta.... eh ok yeah. I'm not sure how to witness either i'm always afraid i'll be made of and i dont know what to say, i try to help my friends by giving them Godly advice. I mean because everyone's like "Ok ima just go out and have sex with this guy whose had sex with 4 other girls" yeah ew! Your basically having sex with all the people he's slept with!

And dont lie to yourselves and say he dont have an STD when he might! If he says he dont, please dont be stupid and take his word! I wouldn't trust a man if he ever said that to me, i'd punch him for even asking me to have sex with him, or like some guys and expect me to! If i'm married to ya sure if i'm not dont expect anything from me cause its a definite no! Ok well i'm done with my sermon!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWQa5_6djQg Red - Pieces (its a really good song if you wanna go check it out!)

Ok....

I'm alive for those of you just wondering, i got grounded from the computer for 2 weeks for not doing my chores before spending the night with Jazz...... sooooo now i'm off to do my chores i shall return whenever!