Haven't...

Wrote that much, well since my blow up on here which is now below this post. Things have gotten better but now i'm not sure where i'm headed anymore. I dont like opening up very much because its hard for me. I should get over it, and my fears i'm trying to overcome them because i dont want fear holding me back. I dont like the unknown but i guess sometimes you just have to jump in the waters and let the current take you where its going.

Its hard doing that, i dont like the fear of the unknown i'm happy to be where i am now. Everyone wants me to change and someone told me to change because i want to not because i wanted to make them happy... is it possible to do both? Because i put people first before me is it possible to work on myself while making them happy that i'm doing so? I find comfort in the smiles my friends give me and i find that as my harbor, my lighthouse when i've lost my way. Cheesy to you but true for me.

In my friends smiles i see happiness and i see them truly happy! I guess i dont really feel so happy right now, i kinda feel alone even though i'm surrounded by my friends and family. I place my mask on everyday and i try to be something i'm not for them! I want to be happy and i find that in my friends and in others. But i dont know, i just sometimes feel alone like no one cares whether i live or die and those are the ones i try to please the most. I dont see why i'd even want to, or why i do!

I try to please everyone, i try to be superwoman and end up realizing i'm not. I'm human and i can only do what i've been given to work with. I hate being alone it allows for to much thinking with me, i'd rather be with my friends or family doing something i always take the last minute to think about things and pray things work out for the best.... not good i know. Sometimes i hate being me, i'd rather be someone who has everything under control!

Instead i'm spacy in 2nd and i'm carrying 2 C's and trying to get by in Geometry and not really doing my homework because half the time i dont even understand it! I dont like it, its not going to help me and yet i have to take it. Pisses me off! It's my rant for the day!

Sorry if i'm rantin to much let me know.... so i can apologize because i will as most people know about me i freak when someone is sad and mad and all that i start apologizing like crazy. Then come hugs and more freaking out, then more hugs and its just a big cycle.

There's a lot of advice i've been given and if i could remember it i'd probably... ok i wont lie i wouldnt take it because i'm stupid and very stubborn! I should, but this is who i am and frankly i'm getting tired of it. Maybe its me trying to break out of my shell, i dont want to be afraid it holds me back and i'm trying to get better at it believe me. As for the talking i just dont like talking about certain things so i tend to just shy away and change subjects. Hmmm no never mind i had a weird thought but ya'll'd think i'm really weird. Well ya'll do but weirder than normal how 'bout that?