Dead!

He died! Why? Why would he have to die! What do i have to show for it? I'm pissed because he's not alive and i feel like a shell just empty and missing him! I didnt believe him, i was the only that did but then i stopped... he wouldnt lie to me like that... its just not him. So what do i do now?

Sleepy!

I havent really had that much time to blog, i went to Jenny's friday where we took bunches of pictures 87 to be exact and i think ima just let her onto my myspace and put 'em up there for me cause there on her camera. Also i'm super tired and tomorrow i can finally sleep in without the baby waking me! I'm also very exicted about tomorrow to! But i'll bore you with the details later on like.... say Wedesday? Hmmm yes! hahaha! Ok.... well i just had a weird conversation, one of my friends just typed K and sent it to me, and it was on MSN and it said she was offline but now she's talkin to Jenny!

This is all to much for my tiny brain to handle! I'm tired! I feel so awake yet i feel like i could just curl in a ball on the floor and be comfy and go out like a light! I think Jenny's light is a little confuzzled, when she turns it on it'll turn on then dim then slowly make itself brighter.... haha. yeah i'm tired so anything is funny to me! I'm so ready to just jump around and run and have a giggle fit! Ok well i'm done i'm tired and i'm gone so peace! ^^

Haven't...

Wrote that much, well since my blow up on here which is now below this post. Things have gotten better but now i'm not sure where i'm headed anymore. I dont like opening up very much because its hard for me. I should get over it, and my fears i'm trying to overcome them because i dont want fear holding me back. I dont like the unknown but i guess sometimes you just have to jump in the waters and let the current take you where its going.

Its hard doing that, i dont like the fear of the unknown i'm happy to be where i am now. Everyone wants me to change and someone told me to change because i want to not because i wanted to make them happy... is it possible to do both? Because i put people first before me is it possible to work on myself while making them happy that i'm doing so? I find comfort in the smiles my friends give me and i find that as my harbor, my lighthouse when i've lost my way. Cheesy to you but true for me.

In my friends smiles i see happiness and i see them truly happy! I guess i dont really feel so happy right now, i kinda feel alone even though i'm surrounded by my friends and family. I place my mask on everyday and i try to be something i'm not for them! I want to be happy and i find that in my friends and in others. But i dont know, i just sometimes feel alone like no one cares whether i live or die and those are the ones i try to please the most. I dont see why i'd even want to, or why i do!

I try to please everyone, i try to be superwoman and end up realizing i'm not. I'm human and i can only do what i've been given to work with. I hate being alone it allows for to much thinking with me, i'd rather be with my friends or family doing something i always take the last minute to think about things and pray things work out for the best.... not good i know. Sometimes i hate being me, i'd rather be someone who has everything under control!

Instead i'm spacy in 2nd and i'm carrying 2 C's and trying to get by in Geometry and not really doing my homework because half the time i dont even understand it! I dont like it, its not going to help me and yet i have to take it. Pisses me off! It's my rant for the day!

Sorry if i'm rantin to much let me know.... so i can apologize because i will as most people know about me i freak when someone is sad and mad and all that i start apologizing like crazy. Then come hugs and more freaking out, then more hugs and its just a big cycle.

There's a lot of advice i've been given and if i could remember it i'd probably... ok i wont lie i wouldnt take it because i'm stupid and very stubborn! I should, but this is who i am and frankly i'm getting tired of it. Maybe its me trying to break out of my shell, i dont want to be afraid it holds me back and i'm trying to get better at it believe me. As for the talking i just dont like talking about certain things so i tend to just shy away and change subjects. Hmmm no never mind i had a weird thought but ya'll'd think i'm really weird. Well ya'll do but weirder than normal how 'bout that?

Don't!

Dont tell me everything is going to be ok when its not! Stop telling me i'm sorry, i dont care that you are so stop! Stop telling me you posted something new on your blog, i'm a follower for a reason!!!! Stop saying i hope you feel better, i'm not going to so shut up! I wish people would think before posting a comment, i hate when someone tells me they have something new on their blog it makes me think you dont even care about me. I'm a follower for a reason think about it, if i dont read it at first i will i have other things to do in my life besides cater to you and your blogs! The only thing it will however do is piss me off the more!

I hate when people say its going to be ok, they lie its not! I sit here and tell everyone what's wrong with me because they get mad if i dont! I do and no one cares, yet when i'm having a horrible day they get pissed because i'm not smiling! Why do you think?! I want someone who doesnt say anything, who probably wants to know but is waiting till i'm comfertable with talking to them, Amber is a prime example! She only asks what's wrong and if i dont wanna talk about it she says ok and doesnt bug me anymore about it!

I cant stand being bugged about it, it pisses me off! And another thing chain letters are stupid! No one cares that theres a boy named Teddy whose got no eyes and is bleeding and if you dont send it someone he'll kill you! How does he even know me? How does he even know i didnt send it? He has no eyes how's he gonna kill me again?! I know some people are really stupid but can we seriously grow up and stop thinking your going to be killed by a kid with no eyes! Ok yeah i'm guilty of it to but thanks to Jazz i've stopped sending them! She reads them and laughs then exits out of them she would have been killed way before i have and i stopped sending them and i'm still alive!

Exactly how does he know where i live? Is he stalking me? What about the millions of people who dont send it? He got clones? Idiots.

He has...

Altizmers and i wish he didnt. My grandpa does and i wish so bad he didnt because i dont want him to forget me! I know if he does he wont be able to help it but i love him i really do! We not have the best relationship going but whatever ya know? I mean he's still my family and when i told my mom she asked if my grandma knew, she probably does. He said he forgets sometimes where he lives and yesterday him and dad were measuring something and as soon as he did it he'd forget it.

I just dont want him to forget me, i've always favored him over my grandma 'cause he's cooler to me. He's 72 and no matter how close we are it still hurts because he's the last living of my grandparents him and my grandma are, the ones on my moms side i never even knew because they died shortly after i was born! Its not fair! You think you have all the time in the world with them and then you realize that you dont.

Well i've already had 2 emotional break downs one in 4th, and then today after school on Sara. I'm about to have a 3rd and i really dont want to because i hate crying in front of people and it sucks and i'm having a bad day and my car locked me out this morning and i cried because of that and i'm so weak! No wonder why people run! I would to if i could but i cant!

Famous words by Jacob Black

Life sucks and then you die.